endowed scholarship drama

[Anonymous]

I recently learned that my brother and sister-in-law are annoyed with me for not contributing more to the scholarship fund they've established in memory of their son who passed away two years ago. They're mad in general that people aren't contributing what they believe people should, but specifically, my $250 when they created the fund and $50 on birthdays is insufficient. They need to raise $25K in five years, and today, two years in, they have around $11K (so, they're on track for success).

I know everyone grieves in their own way, but... this is presumptuous, right?

I haven't said anything to them because I'm not supposed to know; a different trouble-making relative decided to stir the pot and report to me. All things considered, it has the ring of truth. Today they published a social media post leaning on friends and family to contribute, so I'm feeling indignant again after months of successfully swallowing my emotions.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is so tough, and they clearly are still grieving - as they will be their whole lives. I would give them a big heap of grace.

Can you afford to contribute more? $250 seems a little light in this circumstance. This scholarship endowment is the last money or gift anyone will make on this kid's behalf forever.

[Anonymous]

Can’t believe folks get annoyed w what others choose to do w their money.

Anyway why didn’t you contribute ?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The $250 I gave to the scholarship isn't the only financial contribution I made after the tragedy, which is part of the reason why it's a little galling to learn it wasn't "enough." (And I hate feeling galled by this because I know it's petty.) I had always planned to make sure they got over the $25K hump if it needed a boost close to the finish line. I guess I can up my contributions, but urrrrgh, if I hear back that they're still displeased, family holidays are definitely going to require a lot more wine to keep a smile on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Can’t believe folks get annoyed w what others choose to do w their money.

Anyway why didn’t you contribute ?

In this circumstance, these are grieving parents who probably think the monetary value of the scholarship contributions are equivalent to the affection family and friends had for their late son. It's not, but they are going through the very worst loss of their lives. I would have ponied up more for my brother's kid, but I don't know OP's financial circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I guess a way to think about it is that you should continue to give birthday gifts like however you would have if he were still alive.

[Anonymous]

They are wrong, but also, you know, their son is dead, so, show some grace.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, it sounds difficult. It doesn't necessarily sound like they're specifically upset at you. It just sounds like their spiraling because this thing represents their son and they would somehow feel if they don't reach their goals that their son wasn't treasured enough or something. And I get that you intended to help push them down the finish line, which is really sweet, and that they still have two year and are technically on track. It probably doesn't feel that way to them, though, because in their minds even if it's a 5 year timeline they will probably feel anxious until it's done. And maybe they figure the more time that passes, the less people will remember their son or care, so they don't feel halfway there but feel really far away from the goal. I'm not saying it's rational, but they probably see this as an expression of how much people loved their son, and it's really embarrassing and hurtful for them to not be close to the goal. They probably in the back of their minds imagined themselves telling people something like "we wanted to raise 25k for our son in 5 years, but there was such an outpouring of love and grief for him that it only took 2!" (not saying this is reasonable)

[Anonymous]

I'm sure both the grief of their loss and the stress of wanting that memory established makes it hard to see with clear eyes. They are clouded by emotion and grief.

Also, I do think that $250 for a cause that memorializes the death of your nephew seems light. And remember, it's easier to raise money when the death is fresh in people's minds, than later when people have moved on with their lives. And of course, your brother and SIL will never fully move on. All to say that I don't think raising 14K in the next 3 years is a guarantee.

I have a sibling and two good friends who lost a child. Their grief is incredibly painful, and I see how setting up scholarships and in one case a foundation helps them. As a family, we do whatever we need to do to help them feel supported and that their child is not forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Well Op, don't trust info you get third hand. You should just have a standing rule for yourself that you don't pay attention to info spread third hand. And Brother and SIL aren't upset enough to say it to you.

I would do this, though, anyway you can give a larger lump sum and indicate, "that's it". I have done that. Seeded a noticeable amount in the beginning, once.

[Anonymous]

12:20 poster again. I remember lost loved ones, it's not like "that's it" applies to my memory of them

[Anonymous]

I’d watch out for that pot-stirrer. You don’t know what they actually said, or what their emotions were when they said. That person had no business saying anything to you.

[Anonymous]

^ agree

[Anonymous]

I suspect they're worried that interest in the scholarship fund will diminish as time passes. (Of course, this is a stand-in for whether or not people remember their son.)

In this circumstance, I'd make a generous donation (whatever that is for you—whatever you would have given to get it over the hump) to make your love and concern concrete for them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently learned that my brother and sister-in-law are annoyed with me for not contributing more to the scholarship fund they've established in memory of their son who passed away two years ago. They're mad in general that people aren't contributing what they believe people should, but specifically, my $250 when they created the fund and $50 on birthdays is insufficient. They need to raise $25K in five years, and today, two years in, they have around $11K (so, they're on track for success).

I know everyone grieves in their own way, but... this is presumptuous, right?

I haven't said anything to them because I'm not supposed to know; a different trouble-making relative decided to stir the pot and report to me. All things considered, it has the ring of truth. Today they published a social media post leaning on friends and family to contribute, so I'm feeling indignant again after months of successfully swallowing my emotions.

Yes.

If you aren’t rich enough to endow a scholarship yourself, don’t do it.