Need advice: How to want or get more for myself?

[Anonymous]

Just as the title states. How can I want more for myself when it wasn't a reality most of my life but is now? I know where this stems from my childhood I never had what I needed mostly safety, serviceable clothes that fit me, food... I don't want to get into my whole background but I had a horrible childhood with physically and sexually abusive addicts so I never had much, never wanted much and as I age I realize I always just "make due," with what I have like a roof over my head, running water and lights but in reality I haven't upgraded anything. My apartment while it used to be nice is run down now, area isn't the same but I stay. I think I don't "deserve" more? How do I make myself want more for myself? And how do I get it since I'm not pushy? I guess I would like to hear from people who want and go after things they want. What drives you? How do you do it?

And please save the "get therapy" responses. I want real world first hand experiences or advice about this and I have already been in therapy and don't find it helpful. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Make do

[Anonymous]

Are you depressed? That may be why fixing up your apartment or moving seems impossible, too hard, etc.

[Anonymous]

You sound depressed and yes, therapy and an SSRI will help. Better living through pharmaceuticals!

[Anonymous]

You can't really manufacture want.

[Anonymous]

It helps to stop thinking and start doing. Write a list of things you DO want (without thinking about limitations, why you can't or shouldn't or it's a bad idea, I can't do it...) and then get going on the list.

Assuming you do have the budget for a better place, just go visit some. Find a realtor people like, call and get the ball rolling. There is absolutely no harm/consequence in doing this but a lot of upside.

[Anonymous]

I didn't even have clothes that fit. Neither did anyone else in the country. It wasn't a big deal.
It's hard not to send you to therapy if your childhood runs your life now.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever tried AlAnon or ACOA? Addict parents make one feel that anything good can be taken away at a moment's notice and it's even more painful to look forward to anything.

[Anonymous]

making a "wishlist'- make it as out there as you want I'd say. then look at it again and think about what is feasible for you and then research the steps to get there.

I'd also advise you to strengthen your "joy" and want muscles- go to the National gallery and explore art that makes you feel good, listen to music that make you feel good- take walks outside and visit places in your area that are beautiful. Read comforting books, watch comforting shows.

its getting warmer- go to a bougie neighborhood & walk into a made well or a j crew or universal stander or whatever random nice shop in a nice neighborhood and force yourself to buy something , made of natural materials like cotton or linen or silk- that you like that makes you feel happy when you wear it and then wear it.

just go to bougie boutique neighborhoods and browse- dont buy anything, just enjoy the goods and ambiance. it will develop your taste.

go to the farmers market and just enjoy the atmosphere

I really recommend immersing yourself in art and nature b/c beauty is healing.

go and get some nice - 100% linen or cotton-bedsheets and new supportive pillows and a lovely quilt that you can warp around yourself when you sleep.

buy yourself a 100 % cotton pajamas, throw away clothes & shoes that pinch or poke or scratch.

go to the library- check out a book, or download an audiobook for free from libby and go to one of the lovely free spaces in your area- like the conservatory, the National portrait gallery atrium - and just spend time there, enjoying the book/story.

do you cook or bake? pick up a cook book (library again!) that you love and teach yourself all the recipes you like and only eat meals that actually make your mouth water, that taste good- not food that just fills your stomach

put on classical music or jazz (basically instrumental "high art music) while you are doing boring things like cleaning, laundry, cooking.

buy an olive oil soap that smells good.

always moisturize before sleep, and check your hands, if they feel dry- moisturize!

get flowers or plant something, nurture it, help it to grow. maybe something that smells good like jasmine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:making a "wishlist'- make it as out there as you want I'd say. then look at it again and think about what is feasible for you and then research the steps to get there.

I'd also advise you to strengthen your "joy" and want muscles- go to the National gallery and explore art that makes you feel good, listen to music that make you feel good- take walks outside and visit places in your area that are beautiful. Read comforting books, watch comforting shows.

its getting warmer- go to a bougie neighborhood & walk into a made well or a j crew or universal stander or whatever random nice shop in a nice neighborhood and force yourself to buy something , made of natural materials like cotton or linen or silk- that you like that makes you feel happy when you wear it and then wear it.

just go to bougie boutique neighborhoods and browse- dont buy anything, just enjoy the goods and ambiance. it will develop your taste.

go to the farmers market and just enjoy the atmosphere

I really recommend immersing yourself in art and nature b/c beauty is healing.

go and get some nice - 100% linen or cotton-bedsheets and new supportive pillows and a lovely quilt that you can warp around yourself when you sleep.

buy yourself a 100 % cotton pajamas, throw away clothes & shoes that pinch or poke or scratch.

go to the library- check out a book, or download an audiobook for free from libby and go to one of the lovely free spaces in your area- like the conservatory, the National portrait gallery atrium - and just spend time there, enjoying the book/story.

do you cook or bake? pick up a cook book (library again!) that you love and teach yourself all the recipes you like and only eat meals that actually make your mouth water, that taste good- not food that just fills your stomach

put on classical music or jazz (basically instrumental "high art music) while you are doing boring things like cleaning, laundry, cooking.

buy an olive oil soap that smells good.

always moisturize before sleep, and check your hands, if they feel dry- moisturize!

get flowers or plant something, nurture it, help it to grow. maybe something that smells good like jasmine.

Wow, I love this list.

Not op but with similar problems figuring out what I want because of a tendency to put others' desires first. I recently had a free day all to myself that I wasted half of because it was so hard to figure out what I wanted when there was no one else to placate or compromise with.