Do friendship groups go through quiet phases in midlife?

[Anonymous]

I am fortunate to have three friends that I made in town from adulthood -- not childhood or college friends -- and in our 30s, we'd often go out - dinners, drinks, impromptu hangs, and we'd get together a lot with spouses and kids too (our kids are friends).

Now, I feel like every hangout has morphed into a scheduling nightmare that requires two months to plan. When I do see these people, its as delightful as ever, but the execution has begun to feel so hard and I cannot put my finger on why. We have the same careers/kids/aging parents as a few years ago.

[Anonymous]

I would try for a predictable date to get together: the first Thursday of every month at 6pm, dinner out. Something like that. Everyone weighs-in, a decision is made, and then you make the best of it.

Going forward, people know it, it's every month. They know to schedule other things around it.

No date will be perfect for everybody all the time. But generally, getting together, it's either important to them or it isn't.

[Anonymous]

It just isn't as important to them anymore. As you get older, you get tired. And as you get tired, you make different choices about how you spend your time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just isn't as important to them anymore. As you get older, you get tired. And as you get tired, you make different choices about how you spend your time and energy.

I have found its way easier as I get older to meet friends for walks and coffee because I'm TIRED, but it has nothing to do with the importance of the friendships. It's a function of age. Geez.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone is hunkering down rn. The state of the world and economy, on top of the sandwich generation. I have a lot of friends and seeking connection, but it feels a bit like pulling teeth.

[Anonymous]

Some of them will be "I just want to spend time with my hubby and my kids for the rest of my life. I don't really care about meeting anyone else anymore. I don't need friends. I need my hubbydubdub."

Some of them will want to meet up.
Good advice from 18:29.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just isn't as important to them anymore. As you get older, you get tired. And as you get tired, you make different choices about how you spend your time and energy.

I have found its way easier as I get older to meet friends for walks and coffee because I'm TIRED, but it has nothing to do with the importance of the friendships. It's a function of age. Geez.

How does being tired make it easier to spend time with friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just isn't as important to them anymore. As you get older, you get tired. And as you get tired, you make different choices about how you spend your time and energy.

Good point. Lots of people don't want to admit it, but it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just isn't as important to them anymore. As you get older, you get tired. And as you get tired, you make different choices about how you spend your time and energy.

I have found its way easier as I get older to meet friends for walks and coffee because I'm TIRED, but it has nothing to do with the importance of the friendships. It's a function of age. Geez.

I didn't say that OP's friendships aren't important. I said they weren't AS important ANYMORE.

OP is very specifically asking about whether adult friendships go through phases. They do -- and a lot of it has to do with how younger people prioritize them, and how older people who are a little more tired than they were 10 years before do not. We prioritize the things that are the most important to us, and as we get older and only have so much energy, that changes one's social life. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Being tired is part of it for sure. I have found that parenting teens is even more intense in a way so I am still very much actively parenting and although I have one driver and one non driver, I am still giving rides, attending games, and in general, overseeing the logistics. This makes weeknights very challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just isn't as important to them anymore. As you get older, you get tired. And as you get tired, you make different choices about how you spend your time and energy.

I have found its way easier as I get older to meet friends for walks and coffee because I'm TIRED, but it has nothing to do with the importance of the friendships. It's a function of age. Geez.

I didn't say that OP's friendships aren't important. I said they weren't AS important ANYMORE.

OP is very specifically asking about whether adult friendships go through phases. They do -- and a lot of it has to do with how younger people prioritize them, and how older people who are a little more tired than they were 10 years before do not. We prioritize the things that are the most important to us, and as we get older and only have so much energy, that changes one's social life. Geez.

I still prioritize connection, just at a different time of day. "Want to come over for a drink" is more likely to be "want to go for a walk". Same priority, different timing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fortunate to have three friends that I made in town from adulthood -- not childhood or college friends -- and in our 30s, we'd often go out - dinners, drinks, impromptu hangs, and we'd get together a lot with spouses and kids too (our kids are friends).

Now, I feel like every hangout has morphed into a scheduling nightmare that requires two months to plan. When I do see these people, its as delightful as ever, but the execution has begun to feel so hard and I cannot put my finger on why. We have the same careers/kids/aging parents as a few years ago.

Also, I think if you have teens who play sports, especially club sports, your weekends become eaten by tournaments. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids involved? I know you say your commitments haven’t changed, but when my kids hit middle school and high school the logistics got much harder. Heck, DH and I are like ships passing in the night half the time and we share a bedroom! Add into that kids who might no longer relish hanging out with your friends kids like they all did when they were younger and things fall apart a bit.

On the flip side though I found myself really reconnecting with old college and grad school friends in my early 40s when I had more freedom to go away for weekends or otherwise make independent plans. I actually see that a lot with my local friends now - they’re going away on girls weekends with out of town friends, or saying yes to more business trips, or doing that marathon in Maine they never could do when kids were little (and committing to weekends of training leading up to it). That leaves a little less room/need for local friendships.

I like the suggestion of planning a standing commitment with one or more friends. Some of my local friendships got stronger in mid-life when we started going to the gym together or started volunteering at the same place.

[Anonymous]

Like most things in life - - aging slows people down.

Not saying you are old > it’s just that as we age, things that used to be done easily just take a little longer that is all.

Just an organic progression of L-I-F-E I suppose. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Anonymous]

The OP is only in her 30’s. This is a busy time of life so even if the get togethers are rare, keep trying. I am almost 70 years old and still meet up with my college roommates. Maybe we only see each other 3-4 times a year, but we still have a wonderful connection. I knew these ladies years before I met my husband.