Do friendship groups go through quiet phases in midlife?

[Anonymous]

Not in my experience. It sounds like they ditched you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in my experience. It sounds like they ditched you.

Oh, honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is only in her 30’s. This is a busy time of life so even if the get togethers are rare, keep trying. I am almost 70 years old and still meet up with my college roommates. Maybe we only see each other 3-4 times a year, but we still have a wonderful connection. I knew these ladies years before I met my husband.

OP isn’t in her 30s. She is contrasting friendships in her 30s to friendships now but doesn’t tell us how old she is. We just know she’s older than her 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids involved? I know you say your commitments haven’t changed, but when my kids hit middle school and high school the logistics got much harder. Heck, DH and I are like ships passing in the night half the time and we share a bedroom! Add into that kids who might no longer relish hanging out with your friends kids like they all did when they were younger and things fall apart a bit.

On the flip side though I found myself really reconnecting with old college and grad school friends in my early 40s when I had more freedom to go away for weekends or otherwise make independent plans. I actually see that a lot with my local friends now - they’re going away on girls weekends with out of town friends, or saying yes to more business trips, or doing that marathon in Maine they never could do when kids were little (and committing to weekends of training leading up to it). That leaves a little less room/need for local friendships.

I like the suggestion of planning a standing commitment with one or more friends. Some of my local friendships got stronger in mid-life when we started going to the gym together or started volunteering at the same place.

Wow this is my life and I like that suggestion too!

[Anonymous]

I think yes this happens due to time constraints (kids and commutes) and distance (my friends don't all live on campus or downtown like in my 20s, they're spread over suburbs from Howard Co to Waldorf, or around the country in the case of my college friends).

My mom is turning 70 and in the last few years she's reconnected with her best friend from college and does a lot of traveling with them. It gives me hope. And of course I'm happy for her!

[Anonymous]

Scheduling friend groups became a PITA. Too many flaky people committing and then canceling or being difficult in scheduling. It's overrated.

[Anonymous]

Normal. Ticks back up in your 50s when kids are gone.

[Anonymous]

Of course, all seasons of life have "proximity friends." Tending to those friendships after proximity ends takes a lot of work. Some people are really good at it and some aren't.

We expect that for childhood and college, but everything else is the same. IMO just invest in the proximity friendships when they're happening. That's how you get the friends you can fall back in with even though it's been ages. And then try to be good about checking in.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my friends right now are dealing with empty nests and job layoffs. It is rough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scheduling friend groups became a PITA. Too many flaky people committing and then canceling or being difficult in scheduling. It's overrated.

This happened to a group I used to socialize with. One’s career took off and she had much less time in general, another one is always over scheduled so she kept wanting to change the time and was either late or needed to leave early, and so on. The group gatherings turned into a pain. So now I focus on one on one time with the ones I enjoy spending time with the most.