Adult Children of Alcoholics - Experience ppp

[Anonymous]

I was listening to a podcast and this designation came up, and my father was a semi-functional alcoholic. He couldn’t hold down a job, and slept till noon, but he cleaned the house and cooked dinner sometimes (usually I was a latchkey kid though making frozen dinners — I honestly don’t know where he was most afternoons — I doubt bars because he was very cheap but who knows), so almost like a SAHD.

He never got physically violent, but I do remember worrying about waking him, and nervous about his temper, and my mom and him fighting sometimes. We rarely had people over because of his social anxiety, and maybe my mom was self conscious? She had her own issues of bulemia and dieting obsession which she passed on to my sister, but at least had a steady job.

Life was comfortable, my grandparents had left us their house and some money and basically my parents supplemented their lifestyle as the spent down the inheritance. So we had long beach vacations every summer, nice late model cars, which was easy to do because we moved to a LCOL area where houses cost $40k as recently as 2012.

I thought my childhood was pretty typical but definitely had it own challenges, but hearing about ACOA it is striking how much of the stereotypes apply to me, like almost to the point I feel like I don’t even have any identity outside of the traits.

The ones that really hit home: hero child, caretaker, perfectionist, hyper vigilance, intellectualization, people pleaser, fearful of authority figures. For a long time in relationships I had zero opinions, I was totally absorbed in my partners happiness— it wasn’t like I was bottling it up, I was just blank. It’s chilling.

My sister is disabled from mental health, with BPD, so I actually came out way ahead.

I guess I’m wondering about other people’s experiences with dysfunctional families. Are these traits too broad and the ACOA designation kind of kooky? Or is there a real trend here, and how do I work past them and make sure I help my own kids. For the record I don’t drink or use drugs.

[Anonymous]

My parents have enabled one another all my life. One is “the problem” and the other one enables and covers up. They got better as they got older, and even though my siblings and I all agree they are alcoholics, no one outside of us would probably know what to look for and what is happening.

As a result of their constant lies, cover-ups, gaslighting and my dad driving drunk on more than one occasion and even joking about it, I have never and will never leave my kids with them. My aunts and uncles and cousins all think it’s weird; my sister and brother 100% support me. The wheedling and whining for overnight visits and “leave them with us for a week in the summer” will never stop, but I will never leave my children solely in their care.

It’s really comforting to me that my siblings and I are on the same page. We all have hyper vigilance, people pleasing, caretaker and trust issues, but we’re all on the same page. Even though the world sees my parents as perfect, we know the truth. And we have the belt beating memories to prove it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have enabled one another all my life. One is “the problem” and the other one enables and covers up. They got better as they got older, and even though my siblings and I all agree they are alcoholics, no one outside of us would probably know what to look for and what is happening.

As a result of their constant lies, cover-ups, gaslighting and my dad driving drunk on more than one occasion and even joking about it, I have never and will never leave my kids with them. My aunts and uncles and cousins all think it’s weird; my sister and brother 100% support me. The wheedling and whining for overnight visits and “leave them with us for a week in the summer” will never stop, but I will never leave my children solely in their care.

It’s really comforting to me that my siblings and I are on the same page. We all have hyper vigilance, people pleasing, caretaker and trust issues, but we’re all on the same page. Even though the world sees my parents as perfect, we know the truth. And we have the belt beating memories to prove it.

OP here. Absolutely right decision. We never leave our kids along with either of my parents. Their who nature is chaotic, on top of the drinking and driving (oh the accident my dad had, no idea how he survived).

I am so sorry for the physical violence.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a dry drunk. My father was an enabler. I was a people pleaser and afraid of authority. The lies my mom told were interesting. I didn’t realize how damaging this was to me until I was older. I am very independent and resilient. I’m proud of the person I am today and I work really hard to make sure my child has a positive role model.

[Anonymous]

Al-anon has been hugely helpful for me, and you might find it helpful too.

There’s a lot of literature and resources out there, I encourage you to do some research.

Take care internet stranger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a dry drunk. My father was an enabler. I was a people pleaser and afraid of authority. The lies my mom told were interesting. I didn’t realize how damaging this was to me until I was older. I am very independent and resilient. I’m proud of the person I am today and I work really hard to make sure my child has a positive role model.

Yeah, independence is a hallmark, but I take it too far where I don’t trust anyone — like I always double check my spouse on things like directions which drives them crazy. And I’m not even conscious of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Al-anon has been hugely helpful for me, and you might find it helpful too.

There’s a lot of literature and resources out there, I encourage you to do some research.

Take care internet stranger

There are ACOA groups too — how do they compare to al-anon if anyone knows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was listening to a podcast and this designation came up, and my father was a semi-functional alcoholic. He couldn’t hold down a job, and slept till noon, but he cleaned the house and cooked dinner sometimes (usually I was a latchkey kid though making frozen dinners — I honestly don’t know where he was most afternoons — I doubt bars because he was very cheap but who knows), so almost like a SAHD.

He never got physically violent, but I do remember worrying about waking him, and nervous about his temper, and my mom and him fighting sometimes. We rarely had people over because of his social anxiety, and maybe my mom was self conscious? She had her own issues of bulemia and dieting obsession which she passed on to my sister, but at least had a steady job.

Life was comfortable, my grandparents had left us their house and some money and basically my parents supplemented their lifestyle as the spent down the inheritance. So we had long beach vacations every summer, nice late model cars, which was easy to do because we moved to a LCOL area where houses cost $40k as recently as 2012.

I thought my childhood was pretty typical but definitely had it own challenges, but hearing about ACOA it is striking how much of the stereotypes apply to me, like almost to the point I feel like I don’t even have any identity outside of the traits.

The ones that really hit home: hero child, caretaker, perfectionist, hyper vigilance, intellectualization, people pleaser, fearful of authority figures. For a long time in relationships I had zero opinions, I was totally absorbed in my partners happiness— it wasn’t like I was bottling it up, I was just blank. It’s chilling.

My sister is disabled from mental health, with BPD, so I actually came out way ahead.

I guess I’m wondering about other people’s experiences with dysfunctional families. Are these traits too broad and the ACOA designation kind of kooky? Or is there a real trend here, and how do I work past them and make sure I help my own kids. For the record I don’t drink or use drugs.

I've never heard of this, but all of those things apply to me. I have an alcoholic father.

[Anonymous]

... hero child, caretaker, perfectionist, hyper vigilance, intellectualization, people pleaser, fearful of authority figures.

Yes to all of this.

Also:

Believing myself to be unlovable and undeserving of love for who I am, vs how I am useful.
Settling for crumbs in relationships, believing my feelings don't matter.
Never having and certainly not showing any vulnerabilities.
Never trusting anyone to care for me.
Avoiding true emotional intimacy.
Having Plans B, C, and D available at all times.
Taking full responsibility for and trying to exert control over others' thoughts and actions.
Feeling frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
Well-developed, very high tolerance for abuse, discomfort, and neglect.

I feel so sad for my childhood self.

[Anonymous]

My mom is an ACOA and has these traits. It’s why alcoholism impacts family for three generations.

Therapy and groups like Al-Anon help. My mom can mostly keep it within normal limits.

[Anonymous]

My sister is an alcoholic, has been for 35 years. It’s gotten so bad the last 10 years that she can’t drive anymore or go out alone due to anxiety. She has two adult children, both females. My mother was there for the children a lot. The girls witnessed their mother get arrested for public drunkenness, fall down stairs, pass out a lot. One example is when they were elementary school age they would call my mother because they couldn’t wake their mother up. That had to be tough.

Currently my mother, their grandmother, is sick and needs a lot of help. There’s three daughters and six grandchildren. The only ones not there for her are my alcoholic daughter and her two children. No cards, no calls, nothing. I can’t understand it.

[Anonymous]

This conversation is interesting. My parents are not alcoholics but both of my maternal grandparents and one of my paternal grandparents were, and my parents grew up in very abusive, volatile homes. My parents were also abusive and neglectful towards my siblings and I, but without the alcoholism. My therapist has told me this is not uncommon, and there is even a book about it (Grandchildren of Alcoholics: Another Generation of Co-Dependency). Basically my parents imposed the same dysfunctional dynamics from their own homes growing up on our home, even though they didn't have an alcohol dependency.

I have most of the traits discussed in this thread, except for the thing about always have a Plan B, C or D. I sort of do that (huge worrier, always trying to anticipate problems) but because "freeze" is my main trauma response, when I am really struggling I tend to do nothing at all, and then later beat myself up for failing to act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is an alcoholic, has been for 35 years. It’s gotten so bad the last 10 years that she can’t drive anymore or go out alone due to anxiety. She has two adult children, both females. My mother was there for the children a lot. The girls witnessed their mother get arrested for public drunkenness, fall down stairs, pass out a lot. One example is when they were elementary school age they would call my mother because they couldn’t wake their mother up. That had to be tough.

Currently my mother, their grandmother, is sick and needs a lot of help. There’s three daughters and six grandchildren. The only ones not there for her are my alcoholic daughter and her two children. No cards, no calls, nothing. I can’t understand it.

It’s not really the grandchildren’s job to care for their grandparents. Sorry their mother isn’t stepping up, but would you really expect her to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Al-anon has been hugely helpful for me, and you might find it helpful too.

There’s a lot of literature and resources out there, I encourage you to do some research.

Take care internet stranger

There are ACOA groups too — how do they compare to al-anon if anyone knows?

ACOA helps us with the emotional and psychological aftermath of growing up with alcoholics. Al anon helps those who are still in it or currently affected by the alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This conversation is interesting. My parents are not alcoholics but both of my maternal grandparents and one of my paternal grandparents were, and my parents grew up in very abusive, volatile homes. My parents were also abusive and neglectful towards my siblings and I, but without the alcoholism. My therapist has told me this is not uncommon, and there is even a book about it (Grandchildren of Alcoholics: Another Generation of Co-Dependency). Basically my parents imposed the same dysfunctional dynamics from their own homes growing up on our home, even though they didn't have an alcohol dependency.

I have most of the traits discussed in this thread, except for the thing about always have a Plan B, C or D. I sort of do that (huge worrier, always trying to anticipate problems) but because "freeze" is my main trauma response, when I am really struggling I tend to do nothing at all, and then later beat myself up for failing to act.

PP who posted that here, and I can relate to this.

I think in terms of backup plans because of my childhood history of not being able to count on anyone to help me.