I know I'm old, but is this how things work?

[Anonymous]

I'm a boomer. I have a friend who is 40. I knew her as a teenager. She has always been very sweet and a sort of fundamentally innocent person, teaches in a Catholic school (Catholic but hates the MAGA-ness of the parents and also believes that all religions are aimed at the same thing), but one who has experienced a lot of trauma in her life including some horrific partner abuse (not physical but very, very nasty). She'd met a guy on Tindr long distance but the relationship recently ended shortly before she was to travel to his city. She was very upset about it all and called me a couple of nights in a row, she gets very invested emotionally fairly easily when she meets someone who seems to share her interests in life.

I was surprised to learn that according to her sexting and phone sex is basically expected in online dating these days. She said you never show your face to protect yourself. Is this really the case? I did a little dating after becoming widowed but never met anyone who I found emotionally attractive, even though some were very decent guys and conventionally attractive, and have really lost interest in trying anymore, and no online dating at all. My friend no longer has family and not a lot of people she can talk to, and I'm one of a few people she reaches out to for support. I've also never understood the attraction of sexting to begin with, but she says if you don't do it you won't get anywhere at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a boomer. I have a friend who is 40. I knew her as a teenager. She has always been very sweet and a sort of fundamentally innocent person, teaches in a Catholic school (Catholic but hates the MAGA-ness of the parents and also believes that all religions are aimed at the same thing), but one who has experienced a lot of trauma in her life including some horrific partner abuse (not physical but very, very nasty). She'd met a guy on Tindr long distance but the relationship recently ended shortly before she was to travel to his city. She was very upset about it all and called me a couple of nights in a row, she gets very invested emotionally fairly easily when she meets someone who seems to share her interests in life.

I was surprised to learn that according to her sexting and phone sex is basically expected in online dating these days. She said you never show your face to protect yourself. Is this really the case? I did a little dating after becoming widowed but never met anyone who I found emotionally attractive, even though some were very decent guys and conventionally attractive, and have really lost interest in trying anymore, and no online dating at all. My friend no longer has family and not a lot of people she can talk to, and I'm one of a few people she reaches out to for support. I've also never understood the attraction of sexting to begin with, but she says if you don't do it you won't get anywhere at all.

No, she's just been roped into it, because she's not that bright. I am in my 40s and no, I would never do that. Exception perhaps for the long-distance part of a stable relationship. But casual dating? Not on your life.

[Anonymous]

No. But also who cares what's "expected" she doesn't have to do it.

[Anonymous]

I’m 40. I love sexting, phone sex, and FaceTime sex, but only after I’ve been dating someone for awhile and trust them.

[Anonymous]

Sexting is very common in LDR because otherwise it is just two penpals.

But sexting before you have even met the person is just more of a fantasy game people play. You don't even know each other but it lets you pretend to be whoever you want to be.

If you are on the apps, long distance makes no sense. It is snap judgments based on pictures. The average person spends less than a second on a picture before swiping. Then maybe they look at a profile - most of which are pretty generic.

Your friend can sex random stangers if she wants to. But she certainly isn't required to nor does she need to match with people who don't live locally to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a boomer. I have a friend who is 40. I knew her as a teenager. She has always been very sweet and a sort of fundamentally innocent person, teaches in a Catholic school (Catholic but hates the MAGA-ness of the parents and also believes that all religions are aimed at the same thing), but one who has experienced a lot of trauma in her life including some horrific partner abuse (not physical but very, very nasty). She'd met a guy on Tindr long distance but the relationship recently ended shortly before she was to travel to his city. She was very upset about it all and called me a couple of nights in a row, she gets very invested emotionally fairly easily when she meets someone who seems to share her interests in life.

I was surprised to learn that according to her sexting and phone sex is basically expected in online dating these days. She said you never show your face to protect yourself. Is this really the case? I did a little dating after becoming widowed but never met anyone who I found emotionally attractive, even though some were very decent guys and conventionally attractive, and have really lost interest in trying anymore, and no online dating at all. My friend no longer has family and not a lot of people she can talk to, and I'm one of a few people she reaches out to for support. I've also never understood the attraction of sexting to begin with, but she says if you don't do it you won't get anywhere at all.

Red flag. Maybe they're recording her and selling her videos. Tell her that if she has to hide her face, she is not in a safe activity. This is exploitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a boomer. I have a friend who is 40. I knew her as a teenager. She has always been very sweet and a sort of fundamentally innocent person, teaches in a Catholic school (Catholic but hates the MAGA-ness of the parents and also believes that all religions are aimed at the same thing), but one who has experienced a lot of trauma in her life including some horrific partner abuse (not physical but very, very nasty). She'd met a guy on Tindr long distance but the relationship recently ended shortly before she was to travel to his city. She was very upset about it all and called me a couple of nights in a row, she gets very invested emotionally fairly easily when she meets someone who seems to share her interests in life.

I was surprised to learn that according to her sexting and phone sex is basically expected in online dating these days. She said you never show your face to protect yourself. Is this really the case? I did a little dating after becoming widowed but never met anyone who I found emotionally attractive, even though some were very decent guys and conventionally attractive, and have really lost interest in trying anymore, and no online dating at all. My friend no longer has family and not a lot of people she can talk to, and I'm one of a few people she reaches out to for support. I've also never understood the attraction of sexting to begin with, but she says if you don't do it you won't get anywhere at all.

Not if you’re looking for a serious relationship. Sounds like she’s only swiping on f#%^ boys.

She needs to block any men who immediately request this. They aren’t serious. Move on quickly and discard the garbage.

[Anonymous]

Yes we now live in a hybrid world. Sexting and phone sex are natural parts of online dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a boomer. I have a friend who is 40. I knew her as a teenager. She has always been very sweet and a sort of fundamentally innocent person, teaches in a Catholic school (Catholic but hates the MAGA-ness of the parents and also believes that all religions are aimed at the same thing), but one who has experienced a lot of trauma in her life including some horrific partner abuse (not physical but very, very nasty). She'd met a guy on Tindr long distance but the relationship recently ended shortly before she was to travel to his city. She was very upset about it all and called me a couple of nights in a row, she gets very invested emotionally fairly easily when she meets someone who seems to share her interests in life.

I was surprised to learn that according to her sexting and phone sex is basically expected in online dating these days. She said you never show your face to protect yourself. Is this really the case? I did a little dating after becoming widowed but never met anyone who I found emotionally attractive, even though some were very decent guys and conventionally attractive, and have really lost interest in trying anymore, and no online dating at all. My friend no longer has family and not a lot of people she can talk to, and I'm one of a few people she reaches out to for support. I've also never understood the attraction of sexting to begin with, but she says if you don't do it you won't get anywhere at all.

Yes.

Well, I don't know about "expected," but it's definitely normal and commonplace.

[Anonymous]

It’s common, but not expected.

I’m a man and have never initiated in a relationship (doesn’t do much for me), but maybe half of the women I’ve dated since 2019 have surprised me with a photos like that. Usually after we’ve been intimate but it has happened before a first date a few times.

[Anonymous]

Sh is a moron if she is doing this with men she has never met in person and has zero face to face relationship. And come on boomer, you aren’t this dumb either. You know she has terrible judgment. Why on earth would you think she has a good sense of how to behave?

[Anonymous]

Tell her to meet people online who live near her, then they can meet first before any sexting.

[Anonymous]

What? No.

If you friend was actually living to Catholic teachings, she would not be engaging in this nonsense.

Honestly your friend sounds a bit dim and naive and an easy target for manipulation by predatory males.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the help. This came up in the second time she called me. No, this is not someone who looks for "f*&$able" guys. Far from it. The first time she called, she was sobbing uncontrollably over having lost someone she was convinced was the love of her life. She desperately wants to marry and have children but she has had very, very few relationships in her life. The second time she called, she was emotionally in a better state, I was encouraging her to think more practically going forward, and suggested next time don't send intimate photos, even without her face, to someone she has never spent time with in person. That's when she told me this is "expected."

She mentioned a counselor, she'd gone through Rape and Abuse counseling in the past and not sure if she has seen them or someone recently, but I think I should encourage her to consider that and also do what I cna to reinforce her NOT having to meet "expectations." She gets real despairing at times over never having had anyone to really care for her in a solid romantic relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm a man. In five or so years I've been dating, I've met several women in their thirties, forties and fifties who asked to do something like this. Some women really love it. They initiate. They either start a video call wearing a loose fitting robe or in a bathtub filled with bubbles or under just a sheet or something like that, or they say something like "Is it OK if I send you a nice picture?" Some of them also have ask "can you tell me what you want to do to me?" This is not a majority of women but this kind of thing is not unusual either.