What would you do in this situation

[Anonymous]

We have two events to which we are invited over Memorial Day.

The first one, which we originally planned to go to is a wedding for my husband's side of the family. We got the invitation today with a handwritten note asking that our son hang out in the kids' room during the ceremony. He can come to the reception. My son is 9 not 2. If he were 6 or under I wouldn't have a problem with this but he can sit for 20 minutes and not be disruptive to the ceremony. Ultimately, I know people are entitled to have the wedding they want and I get not wanting kids, but then don't invite them at all. It just rubbed me the wrong way. It rubbed my husband the wrong way too but we don't know what to do about it. I'm not going to say anything. This event is relatively local.

The other event is for my family a 90th birthday party for my dad's cousin. My dad passed away about 7 years ago and this cousin was very close to him. I haven't seen that side of the family in a long time and would like to go. When I realized the events were on the same weekend, I was bummed, but figured there was nothing I could do. With the new information, I/we are reconsidering. This event requires a plane ride or a 10 hour car ride. This side of the family wants to see my son.

What would you do in this situation.

Suck it up and go to the wedding?
Go to the birthday party?
Take my son to the birthday party and have my husband go to the wedding? (I'm pretty sure my husband would say no to this option)

Am I wrong for having this reaction?

[Anonymous]

Does your son even care about this? They probably just made a blanket rule for all kids so nobody feels treated differently.

It sounds like you want to go to the other event, which is fine. Discuss with your DH and either both attend the same event or divide and conquer.

[Anonymous]

Whose wedding is it? You said your husband's side but is it a sibling, a cousin, etc?

[Anonymous]

Go to the wedding. I cannot believe you are upset that they want your kid to stay in the kids' room during the ceremony. I'm sure your son would prefer it.

[Anonymous]

Did you already RSVP to the wedding? If so, you go. If not, I’d take your son to the birthday and send your husband to the wedding. But the kids room thing is not a big deal at all— that wouldn’t influence my deviation.

[Anonymous]

What I would do is attend the party with your son and send your husband alone to the wedding.

Why does your husband not want this? He could reconnect with his family and enjoy the rest of the weekend to relax.

[Anonymous]

Some weddings are way longer than 20 minutes. Regardless, I think it's a dumb thing to be upset about unless for some reason it's important to your son to attend the actual ceremony. But, unless it's a sibling or a close family member getting married, just go to the event you prefer.

[Anonymous]

90th birthday party assuming the wedding isn’t a first wedding for a sibling. If it’s a cousin, niece, nephew or second/thrid/fourth wedding for anyone then just decline the invitation.

You won’t get another chance to go to a 90 year olds birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whose wedding is it? You said your husband's side but is it a sibling, a cousin, etc?

Yes, this is important information! If it’s a sibling you absolutely have to go to the wedding. If it’s a cousin, aunt/uncle or other extended family, it’s absolutely fine for you to go to the party with your son and your husband attend the wedding alone.

[Anonymous]

If the ceremony is definitely only 20 mins, would your child be upset? Ceremonies are often quite boring for kids. They may be seated behind others and not be able to see or hear anything anyway. The reception and mixing with other family and friends is the fun part.

What if the ceremony is actually 40 mins? Can easily happen, especially if people are waiting for the ceremony to start.

What if there are 10 kids aged 4 to 10yrs? Can you understand what a can of worms the bride and groom would open if they start including and excluding different kids? What if there is four 9-year-olds going and two are sweet kids but often fidgety or not well behaved? Should they tell those parents their kids can’t attend and then wait for the fallout when they realise other nine-year-olds are at the ceremony?

[Anonymous]

Op here.

The wedding is the daughter of one of my husband's first cousins. Part of the reason I'm annoyed is that I know my son will want to be with his first cousins(my husband's sibling's kids) who are all teens/young adults. They dote on him and he loves them. My son won't know any kids in the kids room and I suspect that he will be the oldest kid in there. Based on the ages of the bride and groom, (20's) it will be filled with the kids of their friends, who I'm certain are toddlers, if their friends have kids at all.

My husband doesn't like a lot of his family but the one family member he really likes is his aunt, who is the grandmother of the bride. I like the bride's parents a lot. He isn't necessarily itching to go, but his siblings and their kids are going.

[Anonymous]

My answer depends on whether you’ve already rsvp’d to the wedding. If not, I would probably go to the birthday party with DS since you haven’t seen that side of the family in a long time. DH could decide whether to go with you all or to the wedding.

If you’ve already rspv’d yes, then it’s kind of rude to change it. Although honestly, they haven’t called in final numbers so you could get away with saying you need to be out of town for an elderly relative.

[Anonymous]

If they don’t want your son, they don’t want your son. All of you should go to the birthday party.

[Anonymous]

OP your bias is really strong here, and that's ok.

Your kid would be fine in the kid's room. He wants to spend time with his older cousins, which he will get to do at the reception; he CAN'T do that at the ceremony. But he will get the chance to spend time with younger cousins, who might look up to him like he does to his older cousins soon. It sounds like a total win-win, objectively.


Elderly cousins bday party: I agree this is an important event. But if the pull here is that he means something to you and you want to spend time with him, I'd use this as the impetus to schedule a trip to actually spend time with him. A big family party will get you a short conversation or two and an appearance, not actual quality time.

[Anonymous]

If you are 110% sure your son won't make a peep or distraction during the ceremony, I am pretty sure no one will care if he attends it. Just arrive right before it starts and bring him in.