Is it within the realm of normal/fine for a teacher to pay for tickets for a student & her friends

[Anonymous]

Would you see red flags around a male teacher (50-55) giving a female student (16-17, my daughter) money for her to attend a school event (tickeys for movie, candy, popcorn etc) and giving her extra money to pay for 6 or so of her friends too? Somewhere around $60-100. All of the students involved are from well off families.

Money was given in front of other students, not privately. Teacher quite likes daughter's creativity, ideas, participation in class. Teacher is slightly eccentric, AP English department head. Not in DC.

This happened some time ago, dd is 19 now but in listening to her end her friends talk about inappropriate male high school teachers I remembered this (students thought it was great at the time, not weird, they didn't mention this teacher, just other ones).

I met the teacher once, and he acted standoffish toward me, and I tend to second guess things based on how I grew up, but my therapist has told me if it feels like something is weird/off, it probably is. But just curious how other parents would see this. DD did enjoy the praise of this teacher but overall was a high achiever in school, and that was not particularly unusual for her. She did blush one time when I said something about the treacher.

The reason I'm asking is because one of the things mentioned by two of the girls is alarming, and I am going to be informing someone at the school. Felt a bit shocked to hear the way they described their experiences overall with looks/male gaze.

[Anonymous]

Just so I make sure I understand correctly - the complaints that the kids were making recently were about OTHER teachers, not this one? It just made you remember this incident that they had no problem with and went nowhere?

I wouldn't worry about it. This seems pretty minor, especially since it happened publicly and you know that nothing came of it.

If this happened last week, or if they had other problematic interactions with this teacher, I'd have a different answer.

[Anonymous]

You need to report this.

[Anonymous]

No, not at all. Report it.

[Anonymous]

No its not ok. you should have reported it at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just so I make sure I understand correctly - the complaints that the kids were making recently were about OTHER teachers, not this one? It just made you remember this incident that they had no problem with and went nowhere?

I wouldn't worry about it. This seems pretty minor, especially since it happened publicly and you know that nothing came of it.

If this happened last week, or if they had other problematic interactions with this teacher, I'd have a different answer.

The conversation was about male teachers that they enjoyed and thought were great teachers, who then ended up doing things that made them feel very uncomfortable. About how disappointing this was to realize just how many men are like this, even ones that initially seem good, and how gross it felt to have adult men looking at them like this and saying and doing things they were saying and doing.

Which reminded me about this teacher whose behavior made ME uncomfortable (as an adult with understanding of the importance of boundaries, especially between authority and kids). I think at this age DD would be able to see that maybe some of the interactions with this teacher weren't in her best interest, but I haven't about the conversation up with her again yet, she's been busy with midterms at Uni.

I'm just wanting to gauge my own reaction a bit first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No its not ok. you should have reported it at the time.

I've reported many things about teachers over the years (often not involving my own children, but their friends or situations they see happening) and nothing happens other than the teacher gets spoken to and there's some steps taken behind the scenes and sometimes there's a short leave of absence.

My thoughts in this is just shock at how commonly these girls were experiencing things and letting the school know which teachers were perpetrating the behaviors for the sake of past predicts future & any future families or girls who report. When again, some of these are top-level teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No its not ok. you should have reported it at the time.

I've reported many things about teachers over the years (often not involving my own children, but their friends or situations they see happening) and nothing happens other than the teacher gets spoken to and there's some steps taken behind the scenes and sometimes there's a short leave of absence.

My thoughts in this is just shock at how commonly these girls were experiencing things and letting the school know which teachers were perpetrating the behaviors for the sake of past predicts future & any future families or girls who report. When again, some of these are top-level teachers.

You need to report it to not just the school, but school system and state education board. Not ok at all and how do the parents not know its happening?

[Anonymous]

So the other girls said things about this same teacher that gave your DD $ for the movies and snacks. That alone seems inappropriate though not illegal. If others had uncomfortable experiences, it might be a pattern then that you should at least report for info sake to the proper school person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just so I make sure I understand correctly - the complaints that the kids were making recently were about OTHER teachers, not this one? It just made you remember this incident that they had no problem with and went nowhere?

I wouldn't worry about it. This seems pretty minor, especially since it happened publicly and you know that nothing came of it.

If this happened last week, or if they had other problematic interactions with this teacher, I'd have a different answer.

The conversation was about male teachers that they enjoyed and thought were great teachers, who then ended up doing things that made them feel very uncomfortable. About how disappointing this was to realize just how many men are like this, even ones that initially seem good, and how gross it felt to have adult men looking at them like this and saying and doing things they were saying and doing.

Which reminded me about this teacher whose behavior made ME uncomfortable (as an adult with understanding of the importance of boundaries, especially between authority and kids). I think at this age DD would be able to see that maybe some of the interactions with this teacher weren't in her best interest, but I haven't about the conversation up with her again yet, she's been busy with midterms at Uni.

I'm just wanting to gauge my own reaction a bit first.

PP here. So she had no problem with his behavior (either that incident or at any other time with this particular teacher), it didn't even come up with her and her friends in a discussion about teachers being inappropriate, and this is the only incident you know of with this particular teacher that raised a red flag to you? None of the other things they were talking about were about this particular teacher?

If this is all it was (borderline, IMHO) and it was 2 years ago, and thus you have the benefit of hindsight to know that this doesn't escalate, there's nothing else inappropriate ever, and now she's not even in high school anymore?

I do not think this is worth reporting at this stage, and that's even more true given that you have a situation your daughter just informed you about that you KNOW crossed a line and you do want to report. Coming in with a laundry-list of stuff, some of which is borderline, two years after the fact, increases the risk that you're going to get a "yes, thanks for letting us know, ma'am" and no action or follow up. If you're reporting, focus on the case that you know was unequivocally inappropriate.

Whether you should have said something at the time, that's a tougher question, because something like this (a big unexpected gift) could be the beginning of grooming behavior, so that's more concerning. But again, with hindsight, you know that's where it stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you see red flags around a male teacher (50-55) giving a female student (16-17, my daughter) money for her to attend a school event (tickeys for movie, candy, popcorn etc) and giving her extra money to pay for 6 or so of her friends too? Somewhere around $60-100. All of the students involved are from well off families.

Money was given in front of other students, not privately. Teacher quite likes daughter's creativity, ideas, participation in class. Teacher is slightly eccentric, AP English department head. Not in DC.

This happened some time ago, dd is 19 now but in listening to her end her friends talk about inappropriate male high school teachers I remembered this (students thought it was great at the time, not weird, they didn't mention this teacher, just other ones).

I met the teacher once, and he acted standoffish toward me, and I tend to second guess things based on how I grew up, but my therapist has told me if it feels like something is weird/off, it probably is. But just curious how other parents would see this. DD did enjoy the praise of this teacher but overall was a high achiever in school, and that was not particularly unusual for her. She did blush one time when I said something about the treacher.

The reason I'm asking is because one of the things mentioned by two of the girls is alarming, and I am going to be informing someone at the school. Felt a bit shocked to hear the way they described their experiences overall with looks/male gaze.

Need more detail, OP. Are you asking if the teacher giving a student money is a problem? Or this other thing you say was shocking and alarming? Need more detail on both to answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just so I make sure I understand correctly - the complaints that the kids were making recently were about OTHER teachers, not this one? It just made you remember this incident that they had no problem with and went nowhere?

I wouldn't worry about it. This seems pretty minor, especially since it happened publicly and you know that nothing came of it.

If this happened last week, or if they had other problematic interactions with this teacher, I'd have a different answer.

The conversation was about male teachers that they enjoyed and thought were great teachers, who then ended up doing things that made them feel very uncomfortable. About how disappointing this was to realize just how many men are like this, even ones that initially seem good, and how gross it felt to have adult men looking at them like this and saying and doing things they were saying and doing.

Which reminded me about this teacher whose behavior made ME uncomfortable (as an adult with understanding of the importance of boundaries, especially between authority and kids). I think at this age DD would be able to see that maybe some of the interactions with this teacher weren't in her best interest, but I haven't about the conversation up with her again yet, she's been busy with midterms at Uni.

I'm just wanting to gauge my own reaction a bit first.

Nothing here sounds worthy of reporting. Unless you are going to report all their male teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the other girls said things about this same teacher that gave your DD $ for the movies and snacks. That alone seems inappropriate though not illegal. If others had uncomfortable experiences, it might be a pattern then that you should at least report for info sake to the proper school person.

Looking for clarity from the OP - but I don't think any other instances were discussed with THIS particular teacher, either from OPs daughter or her friends. So, no, no pattern.