Nanny Left

[Anonymous]

My four YO son had a regular nanny come 4 days/week since he was six mos.

She unexpectedly had a family emergency overseas and left abruptly.
Today she notified us that she likely will be out indefinitely as she has family that needs her now and she thinks may need her there for quite a bit longer.

My son is very distraught.
She didn’t get an opportunity to say goodbye to him and I explained to him why (as good as I could explain what an emergency is.)
I have had a back up nanny watch him and think it is likely that she may be able to take over the days that I need care up until this summer.

Every. single. morning….my son asks for his old nanny. When I remind him that she is gone, he begins to cry. When the other nanny arrives he begins to throw a huge tantrum making mornings hectic/chaotic.
He and his other nanny had formed a strong bond I do admit.
How long will it take before he gets over this?
And at his age could this possibly have lasting emotional damage?
(Considering she was a constant and reliable present for 3.5 years.)

[Anonymous]

* other nanny = the one who left overseas

I think FaceTiming or video chatting with her may bring some comfort but my husband strongly disagrees.
He thinks it will make everything worse.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, that sounds so hard! I also have a 4.5 year old (and 2 year old) and a nanny who’s been with us for 4 years. My 4 year old is much less emotionally dependent on her nanny since starting preschool a year ago, but I know my 2 year old would be devastated in this situation.

I would 100% FaceTime! Is your husband concerned that your son will want to do this so frequently it’ll be burdensome to your nanny? You can explain that she’s busy, so it can’t be often and maybe even this will be the only time. But it’ll give him the opportunity to see she’s ok and she still loves him.

I would consider putting him in preschool part of the day so he isn’t missing her at home or the same places they went together because it’s a constant reminder of her. Or even just having the new nanny take him to some new experiences.

[Anonymous]

facetime - he needs closure - dont understand why she couldnt say goodbuy.

[Anonymous]

Facetime or see if she can write him a letter that you can read to him?
I was a Nanny years ago and with a family 7 years. I totally would have done this. I stayed in touch with both kids when I left.

[Anonymous]

That’s so sad. It can be very hard for young children to lose a main caregiver like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:facetime - he needs closure - dont understand why she couldnt say goodbuy.

OP Here, she found out about the family emergency on her day off & flew out soon afterward.

My nanny has agreed to do FaceTime, my husband thinks it will just make my son yearn for his Nanny more, I think he believes “outta sight, outta mind,” which doesn’t appear to be the case here.

[Anonymous]

He will be less sad as time goes on. The first days are always the hardest. In week 3 or 4 he will pretty much have forgotten he misses her and will then be attached to his new caregiver I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will be less sad as time goes on. The first days are always the hardest. In week 3 or 4 he will pretty much have forgotten he misses her and will then be attached to his new caregiver I promise.

^^ At his age, it is likely that in a few months, definitely by the time fall rolls around, he may have little to no recollection of his time with this nanny.
He may remember her name, may even recognize her by sight but will not remember her enough to miss spending time with her.

Kids at 4 typically experience a multitude of life changes like going to preschool/Transitional/Kindergarten.

I don’t remember any of my own childhood at that age.
I wouldn’t facetime the nanny because then your child will begin asking for her and may be prone to temper tantrums if he cannot speak to her.
GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He will be less sad as time goes on. The first days are always the hardest. In week 3 or 4 he will pretty much have forgotten he misses her and will then be attached to his new caregiver I promise.

^^ At his age, it is likely that in a few months, definitely by the time fall rolls around, he may have little to no recollection of his time with this nanny.
He may remember her name, may even recognize her by sight but will not remember her enough to miss spending time with her.

Kids at 4 typically experience a multitude of life changes like going to preschool/Transitional/Kindergarten.

I don’t remember any of my own childhood at that age.
I wouldn’t facetime the nanny because then your child will begin asking for her and may be prone to temper tantrums if he cannot speak to her.
GL.

-1

[Anonymous]

Is your son already used to FaceTiming people that he doesn’t see regularly? If so, then I’d do it — after talking with the nanny and arranging a mutually convenient time. If not, I’d go with the letter option — since it’s something he can read and reread if he wants to,and it’s a little more distanced and controllable than FaceTime. Also, once you’ve FaceTimed once, it’s harder to explain why he can’t do so again if he wants to. I agree with the recommendations to build some new experiences into his life — that he doesn’t associate with his nanny. I’d also suggest telling him gently if it’s likely that the backup nanny will be less available or not available at all in the summer. (So if there are plans for him to go to summer camp instead of being with a nanny, I’d mention that occasionally and have the nanny do so as well.)

[Anonymous]

This is hard. Can they facetime and say goodbye? I'm sure she loves him too.

[Anonymous]

Facetime

[Anonymous]

You should definitely video chat with her. He feels abandoned. At least let her say good bye

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely video chat with her. He feels abandoned. At least let her say good bye

This really depends on the kid- mine cannot facetime me when I travel for work, they get much more upset and take a while to settle after.

A letter might be a better idea for some kids.

We had a nanny for four years also, tho in the last year my son was in preschool. He was so wholly unbothered by her leaving (she mostly cared for his younger sibling by then) that I was shocked. Two years out, he does occasionally mention her fondly. Usually when we are at the grocery store and he points out some foods she used to eat with him or something jogs his memory. Ours also returned to a different country, so intermittent babysitting wasn’t an option.