Would you let your sibling spoil your adult child?

[Anonymous]

My big bro is unmarried, has no children, and has realized he can’t take it with him. He’s already donating substantially to various philanthropies, but also wants to start spoiling my college senior who will be pursuing their PhD after grad. Spouse and I have always provided for Kid just fine, so “spoiling” in this context means access to Uncle’s Black Card for stuff they couldn’t otherwise afford on a graduate student stipend… Kid has a good head on their shoulders and is not the type to take advantage of largesse, but I’m worried this may be a slippery slope. Is there a way to put up some guard rails, or is this simply not a good idea? Thankfully Bro approached me with the offer and not Kid directly…

[Anonymous]

Tell your brother if he wants to help to someday buy your kid a good used car or give him a house down payment.

I don't think random access to a big credit card makes sense.

[Anonymous]

A stipend would be more practical and less intrusive

I wouldn’t want my kid's purchases being known to a third party.

I mention all this as you say your kid has a good head on their shoulders

[Anonymous]

I think you shouldn’t try to micromanage your adult child’s relationship with your brother. You are done parenting your kid and if he can be “spoiled” at this point it’s because of how you raised him not his uncle.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't overthink this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe talk with your kid?

Random access to black card doesn’t sound good, but maybe there are specific things that uncle could contribute to since PhD students typically have minimal stipends.

Eg. Used car, help with apartment (if they would otherwise be living in a less desirable area during phd), a dream vacation.

Would your brother also be open to putting $ in a trust that would be available to kid later in life? Having funds for a down payment on a house down the road would be invaluable.

[Anonymous]

Yes! Totally fine and nice

[Anonymous]

PP

A monthly stipend (of a reasonable amount) while they’re in school is also a nice idea rather than an all access black card (encouraging impulse purchases).

[Anonymous]

The arrangement you describe doesn’t sound great.

Have your brother think more long-term. Funding a Roth. Paying for personal financial education and a financial advisor for DC. Starting a fund for an eventual down payment.

Use his resources to teach your kid to fish.

[Anonymous]

Maybe suggest he offer to contribute towards something specific rather than just handing over a credit card. Or giving a monetary gift. Or traveling together.

Just handing over a credit card doesn’t seem like the best choice, but they’re both adults and it’s not really up to you to approve.

[Anonymous]

How is this your decision? I understand your brother approached you, but your kid is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Kid is an adult, but since brother is asking you for input, you could ask about something more tangible. I know a kid in college whose parents bought him a house, but with a mortgage, and the kid had to find roommates, collect rent, pay the mortgage, and keep up with maintenance. It taught him responsibility but the house was his to sell or rent when he graduated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this your decision? I understand your brother approached you, but your kid is an adult.

OP. Bro is leaving it up to me whether to extend his offer to Kid, so that makes it my decision, yes?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate everyone’s insights thus far. One clarification: Spouse and I already have plenty to give to Kid, including house down payment, so it doesn’t make sense to ask Uncle to fund these types of practical things. Uncle wants Kid to use his card to buy designer kicks and threads, the latest consumer tech, vacays (and host friends if they can’t afford it either), all the DoorDash and UberEats a hungry grad student might want, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’m a trust fund baby who didn’t actually have access to any of the funds in the trust until I was 40. Well, I got a few thousand a year but not much. One thing I’m looking back on and realizing I wish I had a bit moron is experiences. Like I didn’t always go to bachelorette parties or weddings or 30th birthdays because I was on a budget. I also did not know that I was going to inherit this much money at 40 so those are the things that I wish I had spent on. Also, even if you guys have plenty of money, elder care is expensive it might be helpful for him to help pay for things like a down payment.