Childless family members sending articles on parenting

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids. Both kids have been fed the same food since they were babies. I made everything homemade when they were babies / toddlers. One kid eats everything, the other kid became picky with foods after the age of 3. Kids are now 13 and 10. The younger one is the picky one but is starting to get better. The food issue has been a very stressful aspect of parenting. This child has ADHD and strong aversions to certain textures. You cannot imagine what I go through on a daily basis to try and get nutrients into this kid. I have to celebrate any success I get.

My husbands family has always been very judgmental about this issue and have long made comments that suggest it is our fault. My SIL, who lives overseas, is not married and does not have kids, sends my husband and I a text that she heard our kid ate a vegetable the other day (obviously told to her by my MIL). She attaches an article about why American kids are such picky eaters. It is filled with all sorts of parental blame.

I’m choosing to ignore it and not respond but why does family do this????? If you are this type of person, stop it. Your opinion or “help” was not asked for. I don’t know how she thought we could read the article and not feel judged. I could send her articles about why people have a hard time finding a spouse but I know better - it’s not my business.

How do you respond to stuff like this?

[Anonymous]

You don’t.
However, if you must let them know you’re following the recommendations from your children’s doctors.

Repeat. Every single time.

[Anonymous]

Your child with ADHD very likely has autism as well - the anxiety and intolerance around certain food textures/smells/tastes is a red flag for autism. I say this because he might have other behaviors that are autistic-related. (My two kids have mild autism, and one of them also has severe inattentive ADHD.)

Regarding family judgement, your husband and yourself need to push back strongly. Do not be afraid of offending people! We found it easy to do so, because we don't live close to any relatives so don't need to see anyone frequently, and because we're a doctor/scientist couple, so when we said firmly that we knew better than them and didn't need to hear their comments, everyone gradually shut up. You can say that you've done your research, are supported by doctors and are managing according to current best therapeutic practices.

[Anonymous]

You sound too sensitive. They're only trying to help think about their intentions before you get all pissed off over nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound too sensitive. They're only trying to help think about their intentions before you get all pissed off over nothing.

This is not a one time thing. Her intention is to hint that we are to blame and that our child would magically eat every veggie if we never allowed junk food and had family meals together everyday. Yes, that is her intention. It is a sensitive topic bc it causes me so much stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound too sensitive. They're only trying to help think about their intentions before you get all pissed off over nothing.

Oh no don't give us that crap. The sender of such "advice" may not realize how offensive they are, but that's not an excuse. It's rude to send articles "blaming parents" for whatever issues their children have. OP can choose to ignore the behavior or address it head-on, but regardless, the family member doing this is entirely out of line.

[Anonymous]

They sound judgemental! I would mostly ignore - don’t let them put you on the defensive. You do not need to explain pr respond in any way.

You can also just say something bland like “What an article!” lol. That’s what I do when my mom sends weird articles. It actually works because the person eventually learns they aren’t getting your goat and it becomes less fun for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound judgemental! I would mostly ignore - don’t let them put you on the defensive. You do not need to explain pr respond in any way.

You can also just say something bland like “What an article!” lol. That’s what I do when my mom sends weird articles. It actually works because the person eventually learns they aren’t getting your goat and it becomes less fun for them.

That's a good tactic. She can write back "Hilarious, thanks for brightening my day with a laugh! Have a great one!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child with ADHD very likely has autism as well - the anxiety and intolerance around certain food textures/smells/tastes is a red flag for autism. I say this because he might have other behaviors that are autistic-related. (My two kids have mild autism, and one of them also has severe inattentive ADHD.)

It could just as easily be ARFID, or a super taster, or a run of the mill picky eater. OP is not asking us to solve that issue. We are now issuing unasked for advice, which is exactly what she didn’t want.

OP, I would either go with the pediatrician remark or totally ignore. If it’s in person with a beat and change the subject. If they keep at it, walk away. Don’t engage. That’s what I do with chronic busybodies.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my family too. My teen eats everything under the sun. My ADHD tween eats nothing. From the beginning I fed them both homemade table food, never jarred, with spices and variety etc. I sent homemade lunch to daycare because I swore I wouldn’t have a chicken nugget only kid. The insinuations that it’s my fault are incredibly hurtful considering how much time and energy I spend on home cooked meals, and therapy, tutoring, IEP meetings / school emails, finding the right camps and teams to support her needs… its a LOT.

I do frequently repeat that she has sensory issues that are common with ADHD. I have told people I’m not looking for additional input outside of her medical professionals. And I spend a lot of effort to just change the topic when it comes up. I shut it down fast when anything is said in front of her. But any texted articles or whatever just get deleted and ignored.

[Anonymous]

That sounds very annoying. I have 2 kids with Crohn's and have family members who give me all kinds of advice about my kids' medical care when they know nothing about it.

One thing you may want to consider is not sharing anything with your MIL so she can't share anything with the family. The less they all know, the less they have to comment on.

[Anonymous]

You don't respond ever. Keep up no response, no acknowledgement.

She does it because she's controlling and I secure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't respond ever. Keep up no response, no acknowledgement.

She does it because she's controlling and I secure.

Insecure

[Anonymous]

Ugh sorry OP. I have a kid with ARFID and it’s SO hard. My kid did many years of feeding therapy and our family knows how bad it is but friends (parents of kids friends really) and acquaintances can be so rude. It stings because I can guarantee I have spent more time and money keeping my kid fed than any of these people, but my kid is VERY self conscious so I just say oh really? In the most dismissive tone I can come up with. Even good people can kind of stink about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Would you be more receptive to the article if she was married and had kids?

Sounds like the obnoxious judgemental attitude comes from both sides of the aisle.