Anyone have parents with anxiety?

[Anonymous]

They are very sweet and kind but really stress me out. They ask a million questions and then go do research and follow up with more. Eg: 1)We are getting home project done, they asked the name of the contractor, found a negative review, are stressed; 2) DH is having a medical procedure. They asked what it was and then followed up with the other possibilities doctor could have suggested and why not those.

I know the solution is to not share details but it’s hard to do and they also get offended when we do that. They are local and we see them regularly, so it is not as easy as getting off the phone. They are also well intentioned, I know, but it adds a lot of mental weight, management, and then second guessing because we have to justify things often.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think they are bored. My parents are like this when there isnt enough going on in their life so the fixate. Can you help them find a group for seniors? Perhaps a church group, garden club or book club?

[Anonymous]

Im sorry, that's tricky. I'd try to preempt them by telling them right off the bay we did our research, we're very comfortable with our decision and we don't want you to stress us out with questions, just trust we've considered everything.

If its to do with their own home, their own health, then I would indulge them more.

[Anonymous]

When you offered up the name of the contractor, you must have known where they were headed. Regarding the medical procedure, tell them about it the night before. Too much time allows them to consult with Dr Google.

[Anonymous]

Tell them less

[Anonymous]

Just ignore their comments. My husband puts the phone down and plays online games while his mother outlines every possible impending disaster coming our way. Every once in a while he offers up a “yeah, uh huh.”

[Anonymous]

There is no other way than telling less and if necessary, making things up.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have a parent with a combination of health anxiety, health care avoidance, and distrust of doctors and the medical profession in general. It's fun. Especially considering I am a doctor.

[Anonymous]

My mom has had severe anxiety and health anxiety my whole life. The only way to manage it is by telling her less information, which yes, upsets her. But that's the consequence of her being completely overbearing because of her anxiety. She doesn't even know I went through a cancer scare because I didn't see the point in telling her unless I did have cancer. She would have stressed me out more than the testing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no other way than telling less and if necessary, making things up.

+1. A combo of saying less and outright lying has served me well for 50 years.

[Anonymous]

Share less w them.

[Anonymous]

Don't reward them with attention. Aggressively change the subject. Say "I don't want to talk about that". Or gray rock.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety is an inheritable trait. We all have anxiety in the family, it just manifests in different ways, some more visible than others.

I think your inability to deal with other people's anxiety is itself... anxiety

Our way of dealing with my parents' anxiety is to ignore it. I trained them for years to expect a weekly phone/Facetime call on Sunday morning. The rest of the time, I usually don't pick up. If they get too intense during the weekly call, I hang up. They are not local: my mother was so controlling and smothering that I realized in my late teens that I needed to move far away from her in order to keep my sanity. So we have deliberately built our lives 3000 miles away, OP.

With age, they do not displace their anxieties on us nearly as much as they used to, because their world has become very small, and they are focusing inwards on their ailments and little daily issues - which means we don't receive the incredible nagging, and downright harassment, that we used to when they had more bandwidth to interest themselves in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety is an inheritable trait. We all have anxiety in the family, it just manifests in different ways, some more visible than others.

I think your inability to deal with other people's anxiety is itself... anxiety

Our way of dealing with my parents' anxiety is to ignore it. I trained them for years to expect a weekly phone/Facetime call on Sunday morning. The rest of the time, I usually don't pick up. If they get too intense during the weekly call, I hang up. They are not local: my mother was so controlling and smothering that I realized in my late teens that I needed to move far away from her in order to keep my sanity. So we have deliberately built our lives 3000 miles away, OP.

With age, they do not displace their anxieties on us nearly as much as they used to, because their world has become very small, and they are focusing inwards on their ailments and little daily issues - which means we don't receive the incredible nagging, and downright harassment, that we used to when they had more bandwidth to interest themselves in our lives.

Me again. Of course I don't tell my parents much at all, but that doesn't stave off their anxiety. They will literally make stuff up to worry about on our behalf. I never told my mother about my 7 miscarriages. They don't know about huge swathes of our lives. The relationship has to be superficial, by necessity.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and team "tell them less." In my case, if I say something either good or bad, the parent with anxiety immediately starts telling me of all kinds of things that could go wrong. Like, if I say "Guess what, DC got into XX college and they are psyched." Then parent will say "But how are their grades, maybe the admission will get rescinded??? Or maybe the college will go under??" Or if I say "We just had a great dinner." Parent will say "Well I hope you do not get food poisoning or hopefully that place won't get out of business." It is terrible to have to listen to.

I have some degree of anxiety myself but experiencing how it manifests in my parent actually helps me keep mine in check because I realize how rough it is to experience from the other side.