AITA - cannot listen to spouse complain about job anymore.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a job (think teacher/police officer) that is in demand and is always hiring. His company was bought a couple years ago and since the , he’s been unhappy at his current company and constantly comes home complaining and in a bad mood. I’ve tried to be supportive, letting him vent, doing more than my fair share around the house because he comes home and doesn’t want to do anything, but I’ve had it.

I finally told him I don’t care to hear any more complaining about this until he makes an effort to change his situation (applying for another job, going to coffee with a contact at another company). I even told him we could make it work financially if he wanted to go back to school or change careers. He doesn’t seem to want to do any of these things: just wants to complain.

Was I too harsh? He is a hard worker and I feel for his situation but I’m pretty sick of the bad mood and having to do more than my fair share around the house. And before anyone brings it up: I work and have a demanding job as well.

[Anonymous]

I was where you are except my husband was not in a high demand field. An opportunity came up for him to take a buyout when his company was preparing to be sold and I pushed him to go for it. Two years later, he has not worked. But he and our overall family life are much happier. Fortunately I earn more than enough to support us but their was not a real "solution" that was a win on all fronts per se.

[Anonymous]

What was his response ?

[Anonymous]

Dh and I often vent to each other about work. 10-15 minutes a day. Sometimes I don’t listen super closely but I’m there for him. He doesn’t want advice, just to vent. Same with me.

Do you not want him to complain at all.

[Anonymous]

He's allowed to complain if he does his fair share around the house.

That's what I would prefer, OP. I can listen to any amount of whining if the actual load of work is shared

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I often vent to each other about work. 10-15 minutes a day. Sometimes I don’t listen super closely but I’m there for him. He doesn’t want advice, just to vent. Same with me.

Do you not want him to complain at all.

I’m fine listening to venting, but this is beyond that. I can’t be around an adult sulking all evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What was his response ?

He said he understood where I was coming from but the behavior hasn’t really improved.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t seem to want to [fix anything]: just wants to complain.

What is his job? Posting topics on DCUM Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)?

[Anonymous]

You listen. Within limits. 10 minutes. Whatever. Time it and after that you are no longer available. Without drama, without discussing -- you have earbuds in and can't hear him, you go for a drive, something.

[Anonymous]

Been in your shoes. I don't have time for the broken record...about literally anything that is in my spouse's power to change. I get he wants to vent, but don't you also want to come home and not have your home life turn into a pity party?

As a spouse, it's not my job to be on the receiving end of every feeling or thought that comes into my spouse's head, and that goes both ways.

He needs to go find friends or relatives to vent to you. You can't be held hostage so he can vent every night and then sulk.

I would feel differently if he had really tried to apply to other jobs, had something happen outside his control, was being unfairly targeted and could not find another job due to other circumstances...but just complaining to complain? Nope.

He needs to be an adult. It is not acceptable to have an adult be in a bad mood and sulk every night, and be incapable of pulling their weight but simultaneously not being okay with changing the situation.

[Anonymous]

He needs to be screened for depression - it often shows as irritability in men.

This was how the depressive aspect of my now ex-husband’s bipolar displayed, but of course it can be true in major depression as well.

[Anonymous]

I'm on your side OP. He is a man, he controls his destiny . He needs to stop complaining to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to be screened for depression - it often shows as irritability in men.

This was how the depressive aspect of my now ex-husband’s bipolar displayed, but of course it can be true in major depression as well.

+1. As a a man I agree. When depressed we get irritated a lot. I'm going through it right now

[Anonymous]

lol are you dating my ex boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a job (think teacher/police officer) that is in demand and is always hiring. His company was bought a couple years ago and since the , he’s been unhappy at his current company and constantly comes home complaining and in a bad mood. I’ve tried to be supportive, letting him vent, doing more than my fair share around the house because he comes home and doesn’t want to do anything, but I’ve had it.

I finally told him I don’t care to hear any more complaining about this until he makes an effort to change his situation (applying for another job, going to coffee with a contact at another company). I even told him we could make it work financially if he wanted to go back to school or change careers. He doesn’t seem to want to do any of these things: just wants to complain.

Was I too harsh? He is a hard worker and I feel for his situation but I’m pretty sick of the bad mood and having to do more than my fair share around the house. And before anyone brings it up: I work and have a demanding job as well.

Stop picking up his slack. That's something you should do for a short period of time when someone is busy or stressed or ill. Not long term because they're just generally unhappy.