Carpool conundrum - how should teen handle

[Anonymous]

DS15 has a friend who always asks to carpool but he’ll text just a few minutes before we have to leave and ask ‘Bro, Can you drive me there today’ or say ‘We’ll drive. Can your mom bring us back’. This is highly disruptive and changed based on what works for his parents. I have asked DS for get around this by making plans early, which DS does but often this kid will still change things last minute.

Should I get involved and coordinate this with his parents? On one hand carpooling is convenient but being at the beck and call of this family is making me very resentful.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but they may just be checked out parents who don't plan or coordinate. I'd get involved if its a regular carpool.

[Anonymous]

The boys set a schedule.

You text it to the other kid’s parents with a quick note confirming the schedule, as you don’t have flexibility, and want to be sure you’ve got the dates correct.

Hopefully, they get the message. If they don’t, end the carpool. They are the problem.

[Anonymous]

You can try contacting the parents directly but they could be very scattered parents. We had this with one family and it was annoying. I tried going directly through them and they still constantly switched things. We kept it up because the advantage of the carpool was still worth this hassle.

Otherwise we would have just said no, we weren’t carpooling that season.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Their kid reaches out late and hours doesn’t at all. Yet theirs is the one you judge?

I think a one time call with parents might be warranted but then tell your own kid if he hasn’t made carpool arrangements by whatever time you deem appropriate he can’t go.

[Anonymous]

I would handle this by doing what is convenient for you. If it is convenient to add friend last minute, then do so. If it isn’t, don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would handle this by doing what is convenient for you. If it is convenient to add friend last minute, then do so. If it isn’t, don’t.

+1

You can say that the change does not work for you but the original plan does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Their kid reaches out late and hours doesn’t at all. Yet theirs is the one you judge?

I think a one time call with parents might be warranted but then tell your own kid if he hasn’t made carpool arrangements by whatever time you deem appropriate he can’t go.

They go a sports practice on a weekedag night, where ai agreed to drop off. I coordinate my schedule with my husband so he can cover our other kid. 10 mins before we have to leave, other kid will text my kid and say we are coming to get you, can your mom give us a ride back? It is frustrating because now I have wasted my time making all these arrangements. The worse situation is when they are supposed to do drive and suddenly text saying ‘can your mom drive us?’ So now I have to scramble to get my kid to this event and take the other kid too.

[Anonymous]

That wouldn’t bother me at all. I feel like that’s pretty typical of the way things went with my kids. But if it bothers you, just end the carpool. They’re not going to charge just because you want them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Their kid reaches out late and hours doesn’t at all. Yet theirs is the one you judge?

I think a one time call with parents might be warranted but then tell your own kid if he hasn’t made carpool arrangements by whatever time you deem appropriate he can’t go.

They go a sports practice on a weekedag night, where ai agreed to drop off. I coordinate my schedule with my husband so he can cover our other kid. 10 mins before we have to leave, other kid will text my kid and say we are coming to get you, can your mom give us a ride back? It is frustrating because now I have wasted my time making all these arrangements. The worse situation is when they are supposed to do drive and suddenly text saying ‘can your mom drive us?’ So now I have to scramble to get my kid to this event and take the other kid too.

Changing my previous response. This is rude and just say no. If they call last min, ten min before you leave, say no. You don’t need a ride and you can’t carpool tonight. Be direct and honest, you already have coordinated rides for your other kid and are not changing your plans. Stop changing plans for this family.

[Anonymous]

^ and stop relying on them since you know they might not follow through. Stop the carpool.

[Anonymous]

If they are actually carpooling, as in somewhat taking turns, I would coordinate with the parent as your the ones driving.

DD13 has a newish friend that asks my DD for a ride all the time now and it’s getting annoying. I gave my last ride to her yesterday, I’m not doing it anymore. Group of kids had a meet up 5 mins from our house ( walking) This kid lives a 10-12 mins drive away. Her mom could take her and drop off but kid needed a ride home. If she was working I wouldn’t mind, but she was home when I dropped off with both cars in the driveway. She just didn’t want to go back out.
Rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would handle this by doing what is convenient for you. If it is convenient to add friend last minute, then do so. If it isn’t, don’t.

+1

You can say that the change does not work for you but the original plan does.

But if the other kid's parents were supposed to drive, and now kid is saying they can't and can we switch, OP's son is out of a ride if she doesn't switch.

Her choice is to deal with it, or let parents know what is what, and if it still happens and that's a problem for OP, then end the carpool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That wouldn’t bother me at all. I feel like that’s pretty typical of the way things went with my kids. But if it bothers you, just end the carpool. They’re not going to charge just because you want them too.

Were you the one always changing? Is your schedule wide open and you can drive at anytime? Either way, most people don't have that flexibility, and if you were the one always changing then that is inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That wouldn’t bother me at all. I feel like that’s pretty typical of the way things went with my kids. But if it bothers you, just end the carpool. They’re not going to charge just because you want them too.

Were you the one always changing? Is your schedule wide open and you can drive at anytime? Either way, most people don't have that flexibility, and if you were the one always changing then that is inconsiderate.

Nope. I’m just really laid back and stuff like this doesn’t bother me. And I’m pretty lucky that I don’t live the kind of life that causes me to need so many last minute changes. My work schedule doesn’t change. Spouse’s doesn’t either. My kids don’t have emergencies. So we can be flexible.