Never a How are You

[Anonymous]

DD is 19yo but she’s always been like this.
It’s not a major issue but still annoyingly lack of social graces. She is very social with tons of friends, very gregarious personality. The odd thing is, she NEVER greets with a hello or good morning; or inquires about other lives, day, etc.
She engages and is thoughtful but only after the conversation is initiated.

I’ve tried for years, giving her prompts. For instance, I just came back from long international trip, no “welcome back mom, how was your trip”, I called her out on it and she thought interaction with my text updates were enough
It’s somewhat self-centered, immature but also an awkwardness I can’t quite define.

Anyone else kid like this? Any tips other than keep trying?

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she's on the spectrum: she's thoughtful about other people, but she ignores social niceties that she deems useless (because they are, to be honest). That's very typical for someone with high-functioning autism. My teen daughter is like this as well. The psychologist who diagnosed her explained in the feedback session that she cannot ignore certain social manners, even if they're entirely ridiculous and serve no purpose, because it's important for others to understand what she wants to signal.

[Anonymous]

OP you are one of those annoying people who expect people to converse with you how you expect. You sound judgy and pushy. Your DD probably knows that you will share info about your trip and doesn’t need to ask.

[Anonymous]

GenZ doesn’t seem to be adopting boomerism in communication. GenX understands the useless niceties and idioms but tends to expect it less. No idea about millennials but GenZ hasn’t adopted any of this.

They stay in contact with people they care about via text while they are traveling. There’s no need for a big ooh how was the trip, spill all the beans! They don’t do big juicy scoops or let’s chit chat. They see this as disingenuous.

Times change.

[Anonymous]

Ha, speaking of judgy…
I see this as a determent in future relationships, jobs. People will not continue to put in the effort if she doesn’t.
But thanks for concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, speaking of judgy…
I see this as a determent in future relationships, jobs. People will not continue to put in the effort if she doesn’t.
But thanks for concern.

Ignore that poster, OP. Your daughter does need to get with the program. She's 19. She's old enough to know what to say, and if she doesn't there's a problem, like the first PP explained.

[Anonymous]

She will learn this when she starts working a "real" job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GenZ doesn’t seem to be adopting boomerism in communication. GenX understands the useless niceties and idioms but tends to expect it less. No idea about millennials but GenZ hasn’t adopted any of this.

They stay in contact with people they care about via text while they are traveling. There’s no need for a big ooh how was the trip, spill all the beans! They don’t do big juicy scoops or let’s chit chat. They see this as disingenuous.

Times change.

Interesting take, but my other kids (also young adults) or their friends are not like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she's on the spectrum: she's thoughtful about other people, but she ignores social niceties that she deems useless (because they are, to be honest). That's very typical for someone with high-functioning autism. My teen daughter is like this as well. The psychologist who diagnosed her explained in the feedback session that she cannot ignore certain social manners, even if they're entirely ridiculous and serve no purpose, because it's important for others to understand what she wants to signal.

Thank you, this resonates

[Anonymous]

IME, social graces need to be taught. Some people pick up on a few, but most of us need guidance.

[Anonymous]

Is she only like this with you? I’m not sure how you would know if she’s like this with everyone. If it’s just you, let it go.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t want to hear all about your trip. She’s learned that lesson the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she only like this with you? I’m not sure how you would know if she’s like this with everyone. If it’s just you, let it go.

No with whole family, I have to prompt her to ask about her siblings, dad too.

[Anonymous]

You sound extremely emotional and she sounds very logical.

The way you do life is not right and her approach life wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she only like this with you? I’m not sure how you would know if she’s like this with everyone. If it’s just you, let it go.

No with whole family, I have to prompt her to ask about her siblings, dad too.

In that case, I think it’s totally fine. The family is a safe space where she can drop the social niceties and just be real. Try to develop the relationships in more organic ways and stop expecting small talk.