Liars

[Anonymous]

How do you come to terms with your teen lying? I can't stop being surprised by it even though it happens almost daily. I'm just at a loss as to how to process that my teen is that kind of person when clearly they are. I keep believing them and being sucker punched again and again and again.

[Anonymous]

Maybe ask yourself why. Do you set your kids up to lie? Do you not know what your kids are doing? Do you make it feel unsafe to tell the truth? This isn’t an issue for us. But we don’t let them get into a situation where lying is a way out. That being said, my spouse had to learn this.

[Anonymous]

Gently (and also not gently): did you never lie as a teen? Like… ever? Not about homework, plans, where you were, who you were with, what time you got home? Come on.

This isn’t you discovering your child’s “true character.” This is you colliding with adolescence.

Yes, teens lie. A lot. Almost all of them. Not because they’re bad people, but because they’re avoiding consequences, buying autonomy, or panicking in the moment. Their brains are under construction and lying feels faster than explaining.

Where I will challenge you: the repeated “I’m shocked” part. If it’s happening daily, the surprise is on you. Hope is not a strategy. Blind trust at this age just sets you up to feel betrayed over and over.

You don’t need to label them “that kind of person.” You need to shift from believing to verifying.

Stop asking questions you already know the answer to.
Stop reacting like this is a moral crisis every time.
Start responding to patterns, not promises.

Also, this phase does not define who they become. If it did, most of us would be deeply unemployable adults.

You’re not failing. You’re just parenting a teen. Adjust expectations, keep your spine, and save the character analysis for adulthood.

[Anonymous]

You know how you know a teen is lying? Their lips are moving…

[Anonymous]

Thanks, OP, for posting. Dealing with this, too, and this makes me feel like it's more normal (developmentally) than I thought. I feel very disappointed in my teen and trying to manage those feelings before opening my mouth. Just when I thought we were building trust, she lied again about the same issue. (I will examine the issue to see if I am being overly strict in this area but I don't think so.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP, for posting. Dealing with this, too, and this makes me feel like it's more normal (developmentally) than I thought. I feel very disappointed in my teen and trying to manage those feelings before opening my mouth. Just when I thought we were building trust, she lied again about the same issue. (I will examine the issue to see if I am being overly strict in this area but I don't think so.)

What's the issue? Tell us so we can let you know if it is an actual issue or if you are being a control freak.

Is this something major, like she told you she was staying after school and you found out she was at a boyfriend's house unsupervised?

Or did she sneak a and eat a cookie before dinner and you have a no snack before dinner rule.

You can see how one is a major lie. The other is you are being too strict.

[Anonymous]

Lying is somewhat normal but it will veer into the pathological I’ve noticed for 2 reasons - either dysfunction from mental illness/trauma despite parent efforts (or denial of issues - like untreated adhd where the parent is “anti medication” and clings to this despite dysfunction) OR Controlling parents.

The number of control freaks with anxiety disorders who are messing up their kids is so sad. Every good kid I know with a lying pattern has parents who read their phone, track their every move, don’t let their kids make mistakes, make decisions for them without input and otherwise are hyper parenting.

When you cant tell your mom you got a B on a test without a meltdown you might as well just get an F and create a thrown of lies so she doesn’t found out. If you are grounded for being 5 minutes after curfew or your phone taken if you download Snapchat at 16, you might as well sneak out your window and screw random guys and risk grounding for a good reason. And get a burner phone and do worse on it. I know so many teens like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gently (and also not gently): did you never lie as a teen? Like… ever? Not about homework, plans, where you were, who you were with, what time you got home? Come on.

This isn’t you discovering your child’s “true character.” This is you colliding with adolescence.

Yes, teens lie. A lot. Almost all of them. Not because they’re bad people, but because they’re avoiding consequences, buying autonomy, or panicking in the moment. Their brains are under construction and lying feels faster than explaining.

Where I will challenge you: the repeated “I’m shocked” part. If it’s happening daily, the surprise is on you. Hope is not a strategy. Blind trust at this age just sets you up to feel betrayed over and over.

You don’t need to label them “that kind of person.” You need to shift from believing to verifying.

Stop asking questions you already know the answer to.
Stop reacting like this is a moral crisis every time.


Start responding to patterns, not promises.

Also, this phase does not define who they become. If it did, most of us would be deeply unemployable adults.

You’re not failing. You’re just parenting a teen. Adjust expectations, keep your spine, and save the character analysis for adulthood.

+1

[Anonymous]

Teens lie. They are spreading their wings to make their own decisions and their own mistakes but also not displease others because they don’t want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

What are they lying about? Doing their homework? I would ask them to show me and follow them to their room and backpack. Give us some examples. Do you give consequences for these lies?

[Anonymous]

Liars and thieves are the worst kinda’ people

Good luck w that child of yours.

[Anonymous]

What’s crazy to me is that my kids don’t lie about big things—they literally run to us when they screw up or fail a test or do something terrible. BUT they lie about the dumbest crap—like “yes HW done”…then find them up at 3am doing said HW. Or “I’m not doing anything on Saturday” then find out Saturday morning that yes, they are actually going to a school dance and had been planning to go for weeks.

I think it’s a weird effort to maintain control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s crazy to me is that my kids don’t lie about big things—they literally run to us when they screw up or fail a test or do something terrible. BUT they lie about the dumbest crap—like “yes HW done”…then find them up at 3am doing said HW. Or “I’m not doing anything on Saturday” then find out Saturday morning that yes, they are actually going to a school dance and had been planning to go for weeks.

I think it’s a weird effort to maintain control.

Eh, we all probably did the same and we aren't worse for the wear as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lying is somewhat normal but it will veer into the pathological I’ve noticed for 2 reasons - either dysfunction from mental illness/trauma despite parent efforts (or denial of issues - like untreated adhd where the parent is “anti medication” and clings to this despite dysfunction) OR Controlling parents.

The number of control freaks with anxiety disorders who are messing up their kids is so sad. Every good kid I know with a lying pattern has parents who read their phone, track their every move, don’t let their kids make mistakes, make decisions for them without input and otherwise are hyper parenting.

When you cant tell your mom you got a B on a test without a meltdown you might as well just get an F and create a thrown of lies so she doesn’t found out. If you are grounded for being 5 minutes after curfew or your phone taken if you download Snapchat at 16, you might as well sneak out your window and screw random guys and risk grounding for a good reason. And get a burner phone and do worse on it. I know so many teens like this

Thank you. I'm with this poster. So ask yourself what kind of parent are you?
Lying is somewhat normal but it will veer into the pathological I’ve noticed for 2 reasons - either dysfunction from mental illness/trauma despite parent efforts (or denial of issues - like untreated adhd where the parent is “anti medication” and clings to this despite dysfunction) OR Controlling parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s crazy to me is that my kids don’t lie about big things—they literally run to us when they screw up or fail a test or do something terrible. BUT they lie about the dumbest crap—like “yes HW done”…then find them up at 3am doing said HW. Or “I’m not doing anything on Saturday” then find out Saturday morning that yes, they are actually going to a school dance and had been planning to go for weeks.

I think it’s a weird effort to maintain control.

Your teen wants autonomy and you off their back. They want it to be their decision when they do homework and if they're going to the dance. Imagine having a controlling husband who asks every time you go somewhere: "Where are you going?". First you tell and after a 100th time it's like I'm not going to F* tell you, even if all I'm going to do is buy milk at a grocery store!