Coworker adopted a child

[Anonymous]

Our company culture likes to talk about their own children at break time among women. We ard small company. One late 20s married coworker just adopted a 9 year old girl. Our team were shocked because we all have heard that she never wants to have a kid. From my understanding, it is more her husband's wish of having a child and she removed her uterus in early 20s because she never wants to be a mother for whatever reasons. We congratulates her but I get the feeling from her that it seems she is feeling a bit awkward and weird to be called mom. She tells us that her husband is more the primary caregiver.

I am a mother of 3 ES kids. I have 1 son and 2 daughters. 2 other women in our team have MS/HS/college kids. I am trying to understand if I should treat her as a mom to talk about kids at office for chit chat from now on. Our office is small, so everyone can hear each other. I do not want her to feel excluded but I have a gut feeling that she may not want to act like a real mom. Her husband seems to be more excited than her. She, her DH and the girl all are different races. I think I would never understand what a common mother - adopted daughter relationship feel like.

[Anonymous]

Just follow her lead in this instead. When she starts talking about that stuff, then respond.

[Anonymous]

She might not feel excluded so much as overwhelmed and be even feel less than or like a fraud for going from zero to a 9 year old overnight. I’m sure it is a huge and difficult adjustment even as she feels joy and excitement, and she is probably self-editing in a way that you don’t with a new baby. Everyone is sympathetic if you have a crying infant or rascally toddler. But she probably feels like she doesn’t have grounds to complain about any challenges she’s facing with her new little kid. I can imagine it feeling really isolating, especially if she’s second guessing people’s reactions given how she expressed her feelings about parenting in the past.

Be there for the highs when they come and let just her be herself in the meantime. Maybe instead of asking constant kid questions or chit chat you can just give her a child-focused check-in question once a week and see how that lands.

Also, I’m sure this has been taken care of but what about a little gift that could be a bonding activity for the mom and child? A small gift card to a local bookstore for her daughter might be a nice neutral way to acknowledge the milestone without the pressure of a physical gift.

[Anonymous]

What was her tone when she initially disclosed this? Excited or dread?

[Anonymous]

You seem weirdly invested in her family. Obviously, she changed her mind on the kid front. Adopting is a big and long process. As a PP mentioned, follow her lead and keep the questioning to a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Adopting an older child is very different than having a baby in lots of ways, but she is still a mom. She is probably tired and overwhelmed. Be kind to her. Maybe instead of deciding whether she deserves you "treating her like a mom" just ask her how she's doing?

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a racist POS and a busy body.

MYOB.

Be a good person and stop being such a terd.

[Anonymous]

I suspect it's a family member on the H's side who had the option of foster care or their care.

You are older than her and her experience is going to be very different so I'd not spend a whole lot of time shooting the sh(t about kids.

[Anonymous]

it's brand new to her. give her time.
don't bombard her with mom stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

we all have heard that she never wants to have a kid.

From my understanding, it is more her husband's wish of having a child and she removed her uterus in early 20s because she never wants to be a mother for whatever reasons.

but I have a gut feeling that she may not want to act like a real mom.

Her husband seems to be more excited than her.

I think I would never understand what a common mother - adopted daughter relationship feel like.

All of these statements stood out to me. Your office does an awful lot of gossip. You don't even know these things are true. You heard. You have a feeling. Her husband seems.

As a mother of foster and adopted kids, all adopted at older ages, here is what I can tell you. The adoption process is long, hard and uncertain. I would never have talked about it to anyone but my best friends and clearly you aren't her best friend since all you know about her is your assumptions and what you heard through the grapevine. Your surprise is probably what most people felt each time I showed up with another kid and that's fine since it's ok to decide to keep your adoption journey private.

I can also tell you that it is no picnic adopting an older child. It's not like they move into your house and fit in and behave like a perfect 9 year old. The issues that can arise are much harder than babies that cry and keep you up all night. Even if you don't experience things like rages and food insecurity and things like that, it's still a lot of work to develop a relationship and form your family. Mere presence doesn't turn you into a family - it's trust, respect and love, all of which take time to build and sometimes never happen. And, it's so different than with babies and little kids where you build the trust by cuddling and taking care of their basic needs. Older kids take care of their own needs and you have to work to figure out how to bond and develop the trust that turns you into a family.

As for what you should do, probably nothing since you will admittedly will never understand that her relationship with her adopted daughter is a parent-child relationship with it's own unique features, emotions and characteristics - exactly like every other parent-child relationship, including those that have blood in common.

[Anonymous]

All of these statements stood out to me. Your office does an awful lot of gossip. You don't even know these things are true. You heard. You have a feeling. Her husband seems.

As a mother of foster and adopted kids, all adopted at older ages, here is what I can tell you. The adoption process is long, hard and uncertain. I would never have talked about it to anyone but my best friends and clearly you aren't her best friend since all you know about her is your assumptions and what you heard through the grapevine. Your surprise is probably what most people felt each time I showed up with another kid and that's fine since it's ok to decide to keep your adoption journey private.

I can also tell you that it is no picnic adopting an older child. It's not like they move into your house and fit in and behave like a perfect 9 year old. The issues that can arise are much harder than babies that cry and keep you up all night. Even if you don't experience things like rages and food insecurity and things like that, it's still a lot of work to develop a relationship and form your family. Mere presence doesn't turn you into a family - it's trust, respect and love, all of which take time to build and sometimes never happen. And, it's so different than with babies and little kids where you build the trust by cuddling and taking care of their basic needs. Older kids take care of their own needs and you have to work to figure out how to bond and develop the trust that turns you into a family.

As for what you should do, probably nothing since you will admittedly will never understand that her relationship with her adopted daughter is a parent-child relationship with it's own unique features, emotions and characteristics - exactly like every other parent-child relationship, including those that have blood in common.

Another mother here who adopted ES age. Agree with everything the above poster wrote---it is consistent with my experience. I would add to never give parenting advice to someone who has adopted an ES age child---as the poster above so eloquently described---it is an entirely different bonding journey and very, very different from having a child since infancy. Practical advice re shopping for school supplies, best places to find gently used child clothing; sports leagues---all that is useful info though, when and if you are asked.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for that nine-year-old girl because from your description it sounds like that coworker does not want to be a caregiver and that’s going from one trauma to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our company culture likes to talk about their own children at break time among women. We ard small company. One late 20s married coworker just adopted a 9 year old girl. Our team were shocked because we all have heard that she never wants to have a kid. From my understanding, it is more her husband's wish of having a child and she removed her uterus in early 20s because she never wants to be a mother for whatever reasons. We congratulates her but I get the feeling from her that it seems she is feeling a bit awkward and weird to be called mom. She tells us that her husband is more the primary caregiver.

I am a mother of 3 ES kids. I have 1 son and 2 daughters. 2 other women in our team have MS/HS/college kids. I am trying to understand if I should treat her as a mom to talk about kids at office for chit chat from now on. Our office is small, so everyone can hear each other. I do not want her to feel excluded but I have a gut feeling that she may not want to act like a real mom. Her husband seems to be more excited than her. She, her DH and the girl all are different races. I think I would never understand what a common mother - adopted daughter relationship feel like.

If adopted as an infant, the love and commitment are the sane.

And the question is offensive.

[Anonymous]

You sound terrible. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

we all have heard that she never wants to have a kid.

From my understanding, it is more her husband's wish of having a child and she removed her uterus in early 20s because she never wants to be a mother for whatever reasons.

but I have a gut feeling that she may not want to act like a real mom.

Her husband seems to be more excited than her.

I think I would never understand what a common mother - adopted daughter relationship feel like.

All of these statements stood out to me. Your office does an awful lot of gossip. You don't even know these things are true. You heard. You have a feeling. Her husband seems.

As a mother of foster and adopted kids, all adopted at older ages, here is what I can tell you. The adoption process is long, hard and uncertain. I would never have talked about it to anyone but my best friends and clearly you aren't her best friend since all you know about her is your assumptions and what you heard through the grapevine. Your surprise is probably what most people felt each time I showed up with another kid and that's fine since it's ok to decide to keep your adoption journey private.

I can also tell you that it is no picnic adopting an older child. It's not like they move into your house and fit in and behave like a perfect 9 year old. The issues that can arise are much harder than babies that cry and keep you up all night. Even if you don't experience things like rages and food insecurity and things like that, it's still a lot of work to develop a relationship and form your family. Mere presence doesn't turn you into a family - it's trust, respect and love, all of which take time to build and sometimes never happen. And, it's so different than with babies and little kids where you build the trust by cuddling and taking care of their basic needs. Older kids take care of their own needs and you have to work to figure out how to bond and develop the trust that turns you into a family.

As for what you should do, probably nothing since you will admittedly will never understand that her relationship with her adopted daughter is a parent-child relationship with it's own unique features, emotions and characteristics - exactly like every other parent-child relationship, including those that have blood in common.

You do realize the post is strange as usually there is a period before adoption, pre-adopt for older children and they may have not adopted yet or this is fake and the DCUM story teller is changing to different stories. Either way, OP is not a kind person.