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[quote=Anonymous][quote]All of these statements stood out to me. Your office does an awful lot of gossip. You don't even know these things are true. You heard. You have a feeling. Her husband seems.

As a mother of foster and adopted kids, all adopted at older ages, here is what I can tell you. The adoption process is long, hard and uncertain. I would never have talked about it to anyone but my best friends and clearly you aren't her best friend since all you know about her is your assumptions and what you heard through the grapevine. Your surprise is probably what most people felt each time I showed up with another kid and that's fine since it's ok to decide to keep your adoption journey private.

I can also tell you that it is no picnic adopting an older child. It's not like they move into your house and fit in and behave like a perfect 9 year old. The issues that can arise are much harder than babies that cry and keep you up all night. Even if you don't experience things like rages and food insecurity and things like that, it's still a lot of work to develop a relationship and form your family. Mere presence doesn't turn you into a family - it's trust, respect and love, all of which take time to build and sometimes never happen. And, it's so different than with babies and little kids where you build the trust by cuddling and taking care of their basic needs. Older kids take care of their own needs and you have to work to figure out how to bond and develop the trust that turns you into a family.

As for what you should do, probably nothing since you will admittedly will never understand that her relationship with her adopted daughter is a parent-child relationship with it's own unique features, emotions and characteristics - exactly like every other parent-child relationship, including those that have blood in common.[/quote]

Another mother here who adopted ES age.  Agree with everything the above poster wrote---it is consistent with my experience.  I would add to never give parenting advice to someone who has adopted an ES age child---as the poster above so eloquently described---it is an entirely different bonding journey and very, very different from having a child since infancy.   Practical advice re shopping for school supplies, best places to find gently used child clothing; sports leagues---all that is useful info though, when and if you are asked. [/quote]

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