Middle of the Road Stance on Social Media/Screentime

[Anonymous]

DD is entering middle school next year. Currently, there's a wide range of what's allowed by each family of her friends in terms of social media/screen time. I feel like we are somewhere in the middle. I'm finding it harder to navigate, because we allow too much for some parents and are simultaneously too strict for others. When friends come over (especially multiple) that's when it gets hardest to navigate.

DD does not have a phone. She does have an iPad, with lots of restrictions. She does not have any form of social media. I will allow her to watch Instagram Reels with me. She can watch YouTube kids. Regular YouTube can be watched only if a parent is in earshot. She has time limits for everything. She can message and FaceTime friends (new contacts have to be approved by me).

Where it gets hard is friends come over and some are not allowed to be exposed to basically any of what I mentioned above, (which is fine, she's happy to play other things more often than not), but then another kid comes over that has much more liberal access and even brings their own iPad (which I don't love). Then I had a parent find out that their kid saw something (age appropriate YouTube kids) on an iPad and flipped out. I wasn't aware they were as strict as they were.

I guess what I'm asking is, how do I navigate this? Both the differing rules per family and then also feeling judgement from some that we do allow modest amounts of screentime. Obviously I didn't grow up in the era of the internet, so I have no idea what I'm doing and just trying to do my best. I can't shield her from all of this till she's 18, my thoughts are modest exposure so she can learn to handle it appropriately and not be a social pariah, but more free reign is many MANY years away.

[Anonymous]

The parents flipping out, it has to be a first kid.

I remember my first kid going to someone's home one time in 3rd grade and playing a first person shooter game. Which we didn't allow and still don't allow (this child is now in high school) in our home. I wasn't happy about it and it was a mental note not to have him go over to that house anymore and he didn't I did not say anything to the parent. I think that is over the top.

I think in early to mid-elementary school, it's courteous to let other parents know if the kids will be watching a move or playing games on an ipad. People are pretty reasonable to expect that's not going on if the are 10 and under at a play date. By 5th grade or middle school? The cat is out of the bag. Your kid at another kid's house might be watching some You Tube. Control your own kid and your own environment. If you don't like what your kid is doing at someone else's house, don't have them go back there.

To me, any parent that flipped out on me over this would not be someone I'd be interacting with further.

[Anonymous]

Does your child choose not to do other activities because they want to use screens? does your child refuse to stop using screens when you tell them to? Is your child cranky when they stop using screens? If they answer to those questions is no then your home rules are fine.

DS has different rules then his friends and that is ok. DS follows his friends rules at their house and his friends follow our rules at our house. No one has ever complained. We very rarely allow DS friends to bring their own devices because screens are not the center of hanging out at our house. If they are playing Minecraft as a group, they open a chat and talk to each other while playing at home because they have bigger screens and it is more comfortable for everyone.

If your kids friends don't want to come over because your rules are too strict, that is on them. I would take it as a sign that the kids family allows too much screen time and that would not excite me as a parent.

Our rules do shift based on situations. There was more screentime over winter break but DS also was going out and playing soccer and doing his martial art and hanging out at friends houses that don't play a ton of video games. He was doing some of the work he needed to do for Scouts (merit badge prep, looking into Eagle project ideas) and some work for school subjects that he is more concerned about (his language mainly). He was doing non-screen related things but more friends were gone and so there was more free time. We allowed more video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your child choose not to do other activities because they want to use screens? does your child refuse to stop using screens when you tell them to? Is your child cranky when they stop using screens? If they answer to those questions is no then your home rules are fine.

DS has different rules then his friends and that is ok. DS follows his friends rules at their house and his friends follow our rules at our house. No one has ever complained. We very rarely allow DS friends to bring their own devices because screens are not the center of hanging out at our house. If they are playing Minecraft as a group, they open a chat and talk to each other while playing at home because they have bigger screens and it is more comfortable for everyone.

If your kids friends don't want to come over because your rules are too strict, that is on them. I would take it as a sign that the kids family allows too much screen time and that would not excite me as a parent.

Our rules do shift based on situations. There was more screentime over winter break but DS also was going out and playing soccer and doing his martial art and hanging out at friends houses that don't play a ton of video games. He was doing some of the work he needed to do for Scouts (merit badge prep, looking into Eagle project ideas) and some work for school subjects that he is more concerned about (his language mainly). He was doing non-screen related things but more friends were gone and so there was more free time. We allowed more video games.

Op here. She’s perfectly fine to do other things in general and when friends come over. They play outside, play board games, even still play pretend.

We just have never really had to get super strict on screen time because she’s a competitive dancer, dancing 4 nights a week and many weekends depending on the time of year. She literally just doesn’t have a ton of time to be on a device, so we’ve never had to put tons of restrictions in place, except for what she’s allowed to be exposed to.

[Anonymous]

If multiple kids are present I’d just keep it screen free as the most inclusive approach. They shouldn’t need the screens to socialize anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If multiple kids are present I’d just keep it screen free as the most inclusive approach. They shouldn’t need the screens to socialize anyway.

Op here. I don’t disagree but when kids bring their devices that’s hard. Really all my DD wants screen time for is dances on YT shorts which is actually on our tv, not her iPad. I thought that was pretty benign, but that’s what caused a problem previously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If multiple kids are present I’d just keep it screen free as the most inclusive approach. They shouldn’t need the screens to socialize anyway.

Op here. I don’t disagree but when kids bring their devices that’s hard. Really all my DD wants screen time for is dances on YT shorts which is actually on our tv, not her iPad. I thought that was pretty benign, but that’s what caused a problem previously

Tell the kids to leave their devices by the front door and pick them up on their way out…I consider devices (like reading) to be a solitary activity. You don’t ignore people in the room to focus on your device.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If multiple kids are present I’d just keep it screen free as the most inclusive approach. They shouldn’t need the screens to socialize anyway.

Op here. I don’t disagree but when kids bring their devices that’s hard. Really all my DD wants screen time for is dances on YT shorts which is actually on our tv, not her iPad. I thought that was pretty benign, but that’s what caused a problem previously

Tell the kids to leave their devices by the front door and pick them up on their way out…I consider devices (like reading) to be a solitary activity. You don’t ignore people in the room to focus on your device.

I've never had to tell a kid to do this, but my daughter's friends all leave their bags/phones on the bench by our front door by default and I really appreciate it. There is one girl in the broader friend group who is known to be a problem when it comes to phone usage, she's been "banned" from a few houses and fortunately my DD isn't good enough friends with her to invite her over ever.

[Anonymous]

At this age she should have unrestricted access to YouTube. The bad stuff on YouTube is brainrot for little children, middle school and up is perfectly fine

Get a desktop family computer in a central location and give her unrestricted access to that

If you get a Mac desktop then she will also be able to text on it, which is very nice

Get a home phone like an Ooma so she can talk on the phone if she wants

[Anonymous]

I would say sleepovers and playdates are screen free, period.

And kudos to you for holding the line on social media. Terms of service are 13 and older, people! No kid under 13 should have a social media account, period.

[Anonymous]

Kids visiting a house should follow the rules of the house they are in

I don’t know why people expect their children to follow their rules when they are off in a different place, you can’t control that

If the kids want total access to stuff they should go to the houses that permit that, and parents need to chill

[Anonymous]

We try to make hang outs screen free. It's both mine and my daughter's preference since she says it's boring when hanging out out with people who are glued to their devices.

For daytime hang outs I don't police other kids' devices, but for sleepovers they stay on a shelf in the hallway outside the room where they're sleeping. I inform the parents about this ahead of time in case they want their kids to be connected. So far so the other parents have been grateful for the policy.

[Anonymous]

Screens at play dates are obnoxious. I’m glad my daughter doesn’t ask to have that girl over anymore… the one who always brings her iPad and has it on the whole time, often FaceTiming another friend while at my house. She also will FaceTime my daughter from other friends houses so it goes both ways. Just rude! These types will find each other. The ones who don’t like this will find each other. It’s about finding your tribe. All types are out there.