ADHD inattentive with no motivation

[Anonymous]

My 10 year DD is ADHD inattentive. She just started medication. She strongly dislikes school. She begrudgingly does after school activities but eventually quits after a season and says she doesn’t like it anymore. She would like to sit home and do nothing. I have told her she needs to do one activity and it can be whatever she likes. Don’t care if it’s a sport, music related, or art - she can choose. She is very unmotivated to do anything. She starts middle school next year and sitting around doing nothing is not a great idea.

Is this related to ADHD? How can I support her and encourage her to find something she enjoys and is internally motivated to do? She is a natural piano player with crazy abilities but now says she doesn’t like lessons. I’m crushed to see her give up something she is so talented at but I’m not going to force her to do something that is not bringing her joy.

Any stories for how to navigate this? Will the motivation piece get better with more time on medication?

[Anonymous]

Why can’t she sit at home and do nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t she sit at home and do nothing?

+1. When you’re ADHD inattentive, you spend huge amounts of energy each day in order to stay focused. When she gets home, she probably just wants to relax and let her mind wander around a bit before she has to focus again to get homework done. Why are you forcing her to get engaged in something else instead of letting her take a break?

[Anonymous]

This is OP and I appreciate the perspective above that she may exhaust all her energy during the day. That is fair. My concern is that at home she just wants to watch YouTube on the tv because she is bored and not motivated to do anything else.

The middle school years are rough and activities help you make friends, build confidence, and learn new skills. I accept she is not into sports but I want her to find her interests and strengths and you can’t do that without trying new things.

[Anonymous]

Why does she dislike school so much? Why does she dislike her after school activities? Is it possible there is something else going on beyond the adhd?

Does she have friends? If so, could she join them in an activity? If she doesn't, that's probably what I'd address first.

[Anonymous]

It could be depression. Worth checking out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be depression. Worth checking out.

This. But also, just don't give her YouTube or anu device at all. She will find something to do and anything is better than YouTube.

[Anonymous]

Please read some books about ADHD, it will help you tremendously as a parent to understand the condition. Book a parents appointment with her psychologist to get some insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she dislike school so much? Why does she dislike her after school activities? Is it possible there is something else going on beyond the adhd?

Does she have friends? If so, could she join them in an activity? If she doesn't, that's probably what I'd address first.

Why does a kid with ADHD dislike school when it comes to easy for others? Really?

[Anonymous]

Now is the time to start increasing responsibilities at home, create firm screen time limits, and making sure she gets enough exercise. You cannot really force her to be more interested in activities the way you would like to see. But you definitely can continue to require that she do an activity and take piano lessons and practice.

I don’t think this sounds like ADHD but more like an introverted kid who needs downtime. Which is fine, but watching hours of YouTube isn’t ok.

As the mom of a similar kid (now 13) I definitely wish I had imposed stricter screen time limits earlier!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t she sit at home and do nothing?

+1. When you’re ADHD inattentive, you spend huge amounts of energy each day in order to stay focused. When she gets home, she probably just wants to relax and let her mind wander around a bit before she has to focus again to get homework done. Why are you forcing her to get engaged in something else instead of letting her take a break?

It’s OK to have higher expectations for our kids. A little downtime at home is fine; spending every day after school glued to screens for 3-4 hours with no activities is not fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she dislike school so much? Why does she dislike her after school activities? Is it possible there is something else going on beyond the adhd?

Does she have friends? If so, could she join them in an activity? If she doesn't, that's probably what I'd address first.

Why does a kid with ADHD dislike school when it comes to easy for others? Really?

I was asking because it sounds like sensory or social issues could be part of the issue given struggles with activities too. If that's the case, the parents can look for activities that reduce these issues for the kid (joining an activity with a friend, doing something that has smaller groups or isn't as loud...). I don't find it surprising kids with ADHD don't like school, but digging into why they don't like it can be helpful in supporting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I appreciate the perspective above that she may exhaust all her energy during the day. That is fair. My concern is that at home she just wants to watch YouTube on the tv because she is bored and not motivated to do anything else.

The middle school years are rough and activities help you make friends, build confidence, and learn new skills. I accept she is not into sports but I want her to find her interests and strengths and you can’t do that without trying new things.

So OP when you say she would like to sit around at home and do nothing, you don't mean that. You mean that she wants to self-entertain on screens. Screens are overstimulating and for a kid this age with ADHD, the dopamine hit is too much for them to overcome. Lock your TV down and set time limits. She won't find her interests and strengths until she runs out of screen time.

[Anonymous]

OP if she has only just started meds I would give it more time to see if school gets better.
It took my DD about 5 months to even get to the right dose. She still doesn’t enjoy the academics of school but it’s better now that she’s not struggling to pay attention and have focus all day.
I agree with you that she should do something. Does she have close friends that she could try an activity with?
I’d make her earn screen time. It needs to be limited. When mine was 10 she could only have screens Fri after school thru Sunday evening. Even then it wasn’t just free rein.
She’s 13 now and it’s linked to grades. No screens whatsoever in the mornings on school days. Has to maintain As/Bs to have screens after school.
Do what works for you, maybe some free screens after school, like an hour, but any extra has to be earned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I appreciate the perspective above that she may exhaust all her energy during the day. That is fair. My concern is that at home she just wants to watch YouTube on the tv because she is bored and not motivated to do anything else.

The middle school years are rough and activities help you make friends, build confidence, and learn new skills. I accept she is not into sports but I want her to find her interests and strengths and you can’t do that without trying new things.

So OP when you say she would like to sit around at home and do nothing, you don't mean that. You mean that she wants to self-entertain on screens. Screens are overstimulating and for a kid this age with ADHD, the dopamine hit is too much for them to overcome. Lock your TV down and set time limits. She won't find her interests and strengths until she runs out of screen time.

Np with an older kid with severe adhd and this has nothing to do with screens.

I’ve watched my kid with fascination over the years when if we’re home on a Saturday with nothing to do, and I get him off the tv at 10 am and tell him to find something to do, at 6pm I’ll look back at the day and am amazed that he has don’t nothing all day. Like he may have picked up a book for a few minutes, or made several snacks thru the day, paced around the house thinking about stuff, talked to us off and on about whatever is on his mind, but really nothing else. And it’s not like he starts a bunch of stuff and loses interest and moves on. He just drifts through the day without doing anything at all. I don’t get it, because I am type A and thrive off to do lists. If I tell him “now I want you to go to your room and read” he’ll do that for hours. But he is unable to self motivate to even think of anything to do. Again, nothing to do with screens and a lot to do with adhd