Losing Friendships When One Get Sober

[Anonymous]

Is that just a thing?

There's a group of 10 of us from college that are now all early 50s. Nowadays, we text frequently but only get together about every 5 years. When we were younger wer were inseparable and social as all get out- taking trips to Europe, blending our childhood friends into our college group, partying alot, attending everyone's weddings, and being... pretty typical UMC, college educated, east coast white kids.

In the last 5 years, 3 of the 10 have gone sober and literally fell off the face of the earth. Very rarely do they return texts and never do they attend meet ups. I don't get it, the partying stage is long past. Nothing else has changed. And honestly, only one of them really 'needed' to get sober.

What is your take on people that bail on 3-decade-long friendships?

[Anonymous]

Yes it's common, and often needed in order to maintain sobriety. It's easy to fall back into old habits when you stay in the same social group. I have one friend who is sober and will hang out in small groups now, but in the first couple years of sobriety it was just one on one, and only with people she knew wouldn't trigger her at all.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don’t like the dynamic/don’t think it’s a fun time anymore, even if it isn’t about partying. Maybe they worry it will make them drink. I’d probably reach out separately to make sure they are ok and try to maintain the friendship apart from the group.

[Anonymous]

How much does the group drink on average when you do get together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much does the group drink on average when you do get together?

It's not even necessarily just the amount they drink. Maybe that group of friends is obsessed with status or looks and that triggers the person's anxiety or depression or whatever and makes them want to drink.

[Anonymous]

OP, reach out one on one if you value the people, say you miss them and hope they are well. Wish them all the best for the New Year.
If they respond to you, good. If not, you have done your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that just a thing?

There's a group of 10 of us from college that are now all early 50s. Nowadays, we text frequently but only get together about every 5 years. When we were younger wer were inseparable and social as all get out- taking trips to Europe, blending our childhood friends into our college group, partying alot, attending everyone's weddings, and being... pretty typical UMC, college educated, east coast white kids.

In the last 5 years, 3 of the 10 have gone sober and literally fell off the face of the earth. Very rarely do they return texts and never do they attend meet ups. I don't get it, the partying stage is long past. Nothing else has changed. And honestly, only one of them really 'needed' to get sober.

What is your take on people that bail on 3-decade-long friendships?

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Do any of them live close to you or do these meet ups require travel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, reach out one on one if you value the people, say you miss them and hope they are well. Wish them all the best for the New Year.
If they respond to you, good. If not, you have done your part.

This. Reach out individually to say that you miss them and wanted to check that things were ok with them, since they've been quiet recently.

[Anonymous]

When I got sober, all my drinking friends dropped me. So if you still want to be friends with your sober friends, reach out to them. You may be the only one who does/has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that just a thing?

There's a group of 10 of us from college that are now all early 50s. Nowadays, we text frequently but only get together about every 5 years. When we were younger wer were inseparable and social as all get out- taking trips to Europe, blending our childhood friends into our college group, partying alot, attending everyone's weddings, and being... pretty typical UMC, college educated, east coast white kids.

In the last 5 years, 3 of the 10 have gone sober and literally fell off the face of the earth. Very rarely do they return texts and never do they attend meet ups. I don't get it, the partying stage is long past. Nothing else has changed. And honestly, only one of them really 'needed' to get sober.

What is your take on people that bail on 3-decade-long friendships?

Your post, dripping with judgment, is really unbecoming. I would suggest that they aren't communicating with you because you are a selfish and obnoxious a55hole. If these people are truly getting and maintaining sobriety, that's a bonus.

[Anonymous]

How would you know that they did not all “need to” get sober? That’s pretty presumptuous of you.

[Anonymous]

Very funny to say that from college to your 50s "nothing else" has changed except a few people stopped drinking. You might want to examine why drinking is the only change you noticed.

[Anonymous]

They decided the.group is toxic

[Anonymous]

I’m in this world. Maybe 10yrs younger.

I stopped drinking a few years back. Still have the occasional beer here or there. But I rarely go out. Rarely stay at events >1HR and just anxiously sway back and forth until I leave. Even with old friends.

Without booze social events aren’t nearly as fun. I don’t stick with stories as long and I don’t “hang” as easily as I once did. I think I fell off the world. And there were a few long term friendships that fell off with me.