Did anyone's relationship improve after separation/divorce?
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Anonymous
| In the middle of a divorce I didn't want or see coming, but recently it seems like we have been able to coordinate and support each other (regarding logistics and children) better than during our marriage. He has certain freedoms he wished for, I suppose, and I have less work overall with him out of the house and built in alone time when has our children. I am not posing this as a question of whether we might get back together--no way, I have learned boundaries now, and we are not spending any time together outside of our children and there is no intimacy nor desire. But the negative energy and anger that he was bringing to our home and family seems to be dissipating. I'm just wondering if anyone has lived a version of a positive co-parenting relationship even after such disruptions. So many stories on here are just awful, and that's where I thought I was headed. (And may still be, maybe this is just the calm before the storm.) |
Anonymous
| Yes it does. Don’t divorce. Stay separated but don’t divorce. Things will improve and intimacy will come back. Don’t listen to the bitter divorced women on this board. |
Anonymous
| Enjoy your new found separated - almost divorced freedom |
Anonymous
| For me no. My ex has decided to take an angry and spiteful approach to the divorce he initiated. This was actually surprising to me because two of my siblings are divorced and have had quite amicable post-divorce relationships with their exes, so much so that exes and their new partners have become a part of my extended family. I thought he would have seen via my siblings that divorce doesn't have to be ugly and contentious; sometimes a couple cannot live together and divorce is the better option and they work through their stuff for the sake of their kids. Being amicable or at least civil is definitely possible. Even my sibling with a very challenging personality has managed to work it out with his ex. Sounds like you and your ex are on the same page. It's so much better for your kids! and for you! |
Anonymous
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This was my scenario initially, my XH became easier to deal with and my life became calmer and so much better during the separation and divorce. For the reasons you state, no longer having an extra person to clean up after, negative energy gone and better quality time with the kids.
That being said he started dating immediately, before he’d even moved out, and that was hard to navigate because he’d leave the kids during his time with them to go out on dates. It was a challenging time and confusing for them. I’d say that’s where the issues in the future will come to the surface. Ultimately mine ended up remarrying a lovely woman who treated our kids well so we all lucked out there (him most of all). Be prepared though- mine started family 2.0 almost immediately and his relationship with our kids is very superficial. He never visited them at college and one moved to a different state two years ago after graduation and he’s never been to visit. My kids have come to terms with it but it I’m disappointed for them. It’s been almost ten years and he and I don’t have any relationship at all. Kids are out of college and launched and I don’t think we’ve had any contact at all since maybe 2024? There’s no hatred there, there’s just no feelings one way or another. He’s just somebody that I used to know. |
Anonymous
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Yes. I don’t think he wanted to divorce but he definitely didn’t want a relationship with me, so there was a lot of conflict prior to the decision. Once the decision was made, though, we got to the business of coparenting.
It’s been hard, incredibly so at times. But it’s also been calmer. I’m in a new relationship with someone and that helps, too. |
Anonymous
| Enjoy it, aware that it may change when he gets in a serious new relationship. |
Anonymous
| Oh absolutely. He’s still a complete *ss when we have to make any decision or in certain settings but I can limit my exposure. It’s easier to walk away and not get sucked in. The positive moments are less fraught and likely more frequent than when we were together at the end. I have ignored a lot of stuff that would drive other people crazy as well. |
Anonymous
lol. No. My ex is just as much of a d*ck - it would all come back if we lived together again and faced the stressors of a household. |
Anonymous
Maybe. My ex dating made him easier to be around. Better mood and not taking his anger out on me. And his time was occupied so he wasn’t pretending like I was withholding our kid from him. I think cohabitation could introduce complications about where to live but also could be a net benefit if his new partner is a decent person. |
Anonymous
It worked out for the better for my sister. Her ex started dating much younger women and was happy to palm the kids off to her during his time. He eventually married one of his new flings that didn’t want to be bothered with ES/MS aged stepkids and ended up giving her full custody. |
Anonymous
| It can be, for a while, when the divorce is finalized and there's less to fight over. But if anything difficult comes up with co-parenting, any hard choices or problematic teen behavior, then the same problems can arise again. Or if he's having a hard time parenting without your scaffolding or the kids are rejecting him for whatever reason, he may blame that on you and become very argumentative and demanding. It's hard to predict how it will go. |
Anonymous
yes, happened with me. Rough divorce about 9 years ago but things calmed down after one year of separation and we just focused on kids and dating on our own and now she is re-married and I had two long term relationships. |
Anonymous
| Totally! We were way too intense together. Apart, we’re practically friends. |
Anonymous
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We were really good friends and we spend all the holidays together.
He had too high of expectations for me and they were impossible to meet so he was angry all the time. Now that he has to keep his own house and take care of his own dog and do everything himself, he realizes that I was kicking ass. We can never go back because he falls into his old routines, but he appreciates me and I love him and we’re really good friends. My house is so peaceful now. It’s awesome. Good luck |