When Coming Out is the Last Straw

[Anonymous]

I am a young adult librarian at a public library. The other day, I was telling a group of teens about my brother's experience coming out as a gay man back in 1993. Unfortunately, my brother had already failed to live up to our parents' expectations and so when he finally came out, it was the very last straw.

I think the teens at the library should know about this type of situation-- the most heartbreaking of all coming out scenarios. It seems we hear so many stories about super successful or "perfect" children telling their parents that they're gay but we don't hear enough about people like my brother.

I'd love to know what other people think...

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what rock you're living under, but most of the stories I hear about coming out are not successful at all. I haven't heard of one friend where their parents completely embraced it; only tolerated it at most. But these are middle-aged or older people.

I'm glad for the younger generation where the tides are changing and there are more successful stories. I think if you want to frame the stories in a way that says this unfortunately happened in the 90s, but I'm glad things are different for your generation, then that would be ok to share. Otherwise, I'm not sure how sharing stories from 30 years ago would apply to these teens. Maybe just scare them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what rock you're living under, but most of the stories I hear about coming out are not successful at all. I haven't heard of one friend where their parents completely embraced it; only tolerated it at most. But these are middle-aged or older people.

I'm glad for the younger generation where the tides are changing and there are more successful stories. I think if you want to frame the stories in a way that says this unfortunately happened in the 90s, but I'm glad things are different for your generation, then that would be ok to share. Otherwise, I'm not sure how sharing stories from 30 years ago would apply to these teens. Maybe just scare them.

I am the parent of a gay child, and her coming out was not an issue in our family, and I would say that is the same for most of her gay peers that I know of. I feel like it is trans kids who really still experience a lot of alienation from families, but not as much gay kids from major urban areas unless their parents are really religious, very politically conservative or come from a very non-accepting ethnic or immigrant culture.

OP, I respect how painful this must have been for you and your brother. But, respectfully, I also ask you to think about why you feel the need to share -- are you unwittingly unburdening yourself in some way and are kids in your library really the right tool for that (individual therapy would be better)? are you telling them the worst case scenario because you think that ....what?..... that they will be scared enough not to come out? If so, do you really think it would have been better for your brother to live the rest of his life in a closet? Don't you think the heartbreaking scenario is exactly what all kids worry about even today? How, specifically, does sharing your story better prepare kids for what you think is the (not unlikely) worst case scenario? What is it you think they should be doing or not doing that would be better? The answer to that question can't be - don't come out or wait until you are independent or financially well off to come off. That is the kind of closet that kills people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a young adult librarian at a public library. The other day, I was telling a group of teens about my brother's experience coming out as a gay man back in 1993. Unfortunately, my brother had already failed to live up to our parents' expectations and so when he finally came out, it was the very last straw.

I think the teens at the library should know about this type of situation-- the most heartbreaking of all coming out scenarios. It seems we hear so many stories about super successful or "perfect" children telling their parents that they're gay but we don't hear enough about people like my brother.

I'd love to know what other people think...

These days in this area, it's not that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

I am not really sure this kind of conversation is in your job description.

[Anonymous]

I used to work with a lot of teens in the LGBQT+ community (2010ish). Every single one of them knew coming out to their parents could go badly. Most knew someone whose family had a bad reaction. I'm not really sure they need a PSA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure this kind of conversation is in your job description.

I agree. Retired library director. Don't get so personal. It's a place for personal discovery, and you should remain neutral.

[Anonymous]

No offense op, but that was literally 33 years ago. That would be like a librarian in the late 80s telling us about her experience in the 1950s and thinking it was relevant. It’s really not.

[Anonymous]

I am not really sure this kind of conversation is in your job description.

I don't think you should be discussing this at all at work. If you do, realize that someone with wholly different views can do the same.

[Anonymous]

IMO you waaaaay overstepped. Totally inappropriate convo to have with kids you don’t even know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure this kind of conversation is in your job description.

+1. WTAF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a young adult librarian at a public library. The other day, I was telling a group of teens about my brother's experience coming out as a gay man back in 1993. Unfortunately, my brother had already failed to live up to our parents' expectations and so when he finally came out, it was the very last straw.

I think the teens at the library should know about this type of situation-- the most heartbreaking of all coming out scenarios. It seems we hear so many stories about super successful or "perfect" children telling their parents that they're gay but we don't hear enough about people like my brother.

I'd love to know what other people think...

Sorry about your brother's experience but tell us more about your job. Librarians interacting with the public? Sounds fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure this kind of conversation is in your job description.

It’s inappropriate. As a parent, I would be livid. OP’s personal, old experiences are utterly irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a young adult librarian at a public library. The other day, I was telling a group of teens about my brother's experience coming out as a gay man back in 1993. Unfortunately, my brother had already failed to live up to our parents' expectations and so when he finally came out, it was the very last straw.

I think the teens at the library should know about this type of situation-- the most heartbreaking of all coming out scenarios. It seems we hear so many stories about super successful or "perfect" children telling their parents that they're gay but we don't hear enough about people like my brother.

I'd love to know what other people think...

What does this even mean? And, no, OP, you should not be sharing your brother’s dated experience