Being ignored/blown off in the house

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if this is normal or common, or if I’m just being silly. I am routinely interrupted mid sentence and completely blown off by my partner, the second one of my kids enters the room, never to return to the discussion topic (or my sentence). It’s literally as if I’ve completely disappeared and no one sees me anymore. I know I’m not perfect, and like I said, maybe making more out of it than necessary, but I can’t help feeling extremely disrespected, because it happens so frequently. I’ve pointed it out numerous times, but it’s just not taken seriously. So now I just try not to speak when possible. Most of the time I no longer share what I’m thinking.

[Anonymous]

It's disrespectful and it's bad parenting to allow your kids to interrupt like that.

However, you could probably work on being more concise, not verbally processing unfinished thoughts with lots of tangents. If you're not holding someone's attention, it might be partially your speaking style.

[Anonymous]

You’re not being silly. It’s normal to not want to discuss adult topics or problems in the presence of children, but you’re supposed to be an equal partner in the relationship. You’re entitled to have your viewpoints heard and considered just as much as your partner is.

Consider asking your partner to go to counseling with you to work on communication skills. If they’re not willing, go by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a hellish way to live. If I felt "extremely disrespected" by my partner, he wouldn't be my partner anymore.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is not teaching your kid good manners. They need to learn to wait till a natural pause in the convo or at least say, "Excuse me, can I ask a question"? So your partner is doing your kid a disservice as well as being rude to you. Maybe approach it calmly in a discussion from that angle?

[Anonymous]

It's disrespectful to you and teaching your kid by example this is how they should treat their partner/expect to get treated by their partner.

[Anonymous]

Horrible parenting and trash spouse for doing this to you.

[Anonymous]

You probably just talk too much. It can be hard to be around a talker.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. My husband interrupts me all the time. I just stop talking and do something else. He will get a text or an email later if it’s important. I’ve trained my kids not to interrupt people like he does. My girlfriends don’t do this so they are the ones I have discussions with.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

It makes a big difference if these are toddlers / preschoolers or they are in their teens. The younger ones require more attention, and if your partner is the mom, then the kids’ demands are probably directed at her. So she ends up between you not finishing your point and little Johnny who is telling her he’s hungry.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me a lot and I left my spouse in part because of it.

Your spouse is doing you wrong. But there is an important way that you could improve too. You should read about Gottman's four horsemen. Unfortunately, my spouse and I did not recognize the signs early enough. A website I just found summarized the issues this way:

"All relationships, even the strongest ones, face challenges. How couples deal with these struggles can either make their bond stronger or cause them to fall apart. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman discovered four harmful behaviors that often lead to breakups. He called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. Per the Gottman method, these Horsemen are known as: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. But just knowing about these warning signs isn’t enough. The key is learning how to replace them with better ways of communicating. When couples recognize these Horsemen and choose healthier habits, they can create a stronger and more lasting relationship."

Your spouse is basically showing contempt by not paying attention to you and treating what you say as worthless. But if you stop interacting, you are stonewalling. In my marriage, my spouse was constantly showing contempt in small ways and became very defensive when I brought the problem up. After a while I retreated into my own life. We interacted ok about the kids, but that was pretty much it. I wish we both had read Gottman a decade before I left. Thinga might have turned out different.

[Anonymous]

You’ve got two problems
Letting kids take center stage and interupt adults/you/spouse while talking is rude & horrible manners - correct that.

Also, you should bring your husband rude habit of going along w it to his attention

[Anonymous]

The only people I ever met who got mad at being “blown off” were pretty narcissistic and immature. Your wife is not blowing you off by attending to the kids. Be a grown up and just finish what you had to say when her attention returns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me a lot and I left my spouse in part because of it.

Your spouse is doing you wrong. But there is an important way that you could improve too. You should read about Gottman's four horsemen. Unfortunately, my spouse and I did not recognize the signs early enough. A website I just found summarized the issues this way:

"All relationships, even the strongest ones, face challenges. How couples deal with these struggles can either make their bond stronger or cause them to fall apart. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman discovered four harmful behaviors that often lead to breakups. He called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. Per the Gottman method, these Horsemen are known as: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. But just knowing about these warning signs isn’t enough. The key is learning how to replace them with better ways of communicating. When couples recognize these Horsemen and choose healthier habits, they can create a stronger and more lasting relationship."

Your spouse is basically showing contempt by not paying attention to you and treating what you say as worthless. But if you stop interacting, you are stonewalling. In my marriage, my spouse was constantly showing contempt in small ways and became very defensive when I brought the problem up. After a while I retreated into my own life. We interacted ok about the kids, but that was pretty much it. I wish we both had read Gottman a decade before I left. Thinga might have turned out different.

What do you mean retreated into your own life? Affair?

[Anonymous]

I meant I would not engage. I just didn't communicate much. I stopped responding much. I did my own things and didn't talk about them much with my spouse.