My partners never care about my feelings

[Anonymous]

I just had a big fight with my boyfriend. It’s our first fight. We went to an event a few days ago and I felt like he was flirting at it and it upset me. I shutdown for two days. And then reached out to say what bothered me. He was furious with me and said it was not ok that I didn’t talk for two days. I’m open to talking about how we fight in the future and what the parameters are.

During the fight I wanted him to pause and just listen to me and understand how his behavior made me feel insecure and humiliated. But he just didn’t have bandwidth to care about my feelings.

This scenario is familiar to me from my past. In the heat of a disagreement my partners can never show up for me and say I hear you, I’m sorry. Am I expecting too much?

[Anonymous]

No. You’re not expecting too much. However, how you went about things was kinda’ outta’ line and immature.

Did your BF know about your previous relationships where that was an issue? Also, going MIA for two days was a bit much.

Also, if he’s clearly flirting with others in your face - he may not be the man for you.

Have a big ole” conversation with him on boundaries and expectations. If not move on.

[Anonymous]

You froze him out for two days because you felt like he was flirting. Was he actually flirting or were you feeling insecure? Why did you wait 48 hours to say something. My dh and I have been dating and married for 25 years and I’ve never frozen him out and he hasn’t done this to me. We may need an hour to cool off, but never more than that and if one is reaching out the other responds and says “I need a little time.” There is no ignoring.

I hate to say this but this may be a you problem, not all your partners.

I would look into some therapy.

[Anonymous]

I dont think a lot of guys want to talk. Thats my experience in life. They will likely never talk things through like a girlfriend. If you act annoyed like you disapprove and have higher expectations they might come around. Generally have low expectations for men and be ready to leave if they cross a boundary which is already low.

[Anonymous]

You are not mentally or emotionally mature enough for a healthy relationship. Until you sort out your issues, you will continue to pick unsuitable partners who will disappoint you because you aren't capable of having a grown up relationship.

[Anonymous]

Either he was flirting and owes you an apology, or not, and then you would owe him an apology. Either way if this is how you handle conflict, this relationships won't last for long. Have you thought about the fact that maybe you were wrong here?

[Anonymous]

OP here. He was definitely flirting. In terms of not icing out, what would have been a better way to handle this? “Hey. Your flirting tonight upset me. I’m gonna take a few days to myself. I’ll reach out on Monday.” Something like that?

[Anonymous]

It’s possible he’s gaslighting you - focusing on the fact that you shut down to deflect from his flirting. And it’s also not good that he did not even address your feelings or concerns.

But obviously shutting down for two days is not a healthy or productive “parameter” of arguing; you don’t know how he would’ve responded if you addressed your concerns without shutting him out. It’s like you were punishing him before even giving him a chance to respond to your accusation.

It’s also hard to give you feedback without knowing if you tend to be jealous or perceive friendly interaction with the opposites as flirting, due to your history. Not that you should ever talk yourself out of following your gut instinct or intuition.

In general, this episode with your BF does not bode well for your relationship, and both of you have a role in this. You can’t control your BF, but you can start a conversation by apologizing for shutting down for two days. That might soften his defenses and enable him to really listen to what you have to say.

Saying you’re “willing to discuss parameters of arguing” is all well and good, but will not give you much leverage after you’ve refused to talk for two days.

[Anonymous]

^^Missing a comma - “focusing on the fact that you shut down, to deflect from his flirting” ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s possible he’s gaslighting you - focusing on the fact that you shut down to deflect from his flirting. And it’s also not good that he did not even address your feelings or concerns.

But obviously shutting down for two days is not a healthy or productive “parameter” of arguing; you don’t know how he would’ve responded if you addressed your concerns without shutting him out. It’s like you were punishing him before even giving him a chance to respond to your accusation.

It’s also hard to give you feedback without knowing if you tend to be jealous or perceive friendly interaction with the opposites as flirting, due to your history. Not that you should ever talk yourself out of following your gut instinct or intuition.

In general, this episode with your BF does not bode well for your relationship, and both of you have a role in this. You can’t control your BF, but you can start a conversation by apologizing for shutting down for two days. That might soften his defenses and enable him to really listen to what you have to say.

Saying you’re “willing to discuss parameters of arguing” is all well and good, but will not give you much leverage after you’ve refused to talk for two days.

^^friendly interaction with the *opposite sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He was definitely flirting. In terms of not icing out, what would have been a better way to handle this? “Hey. Your flirting tonight upset me. I’m gonna take a few days to myself. I’ll reach out on Monday.” Something like that?

I mean, that’s better!

Better still:
“Hey, you’re flirting upset me.”

Even better:
“This guy is flirting. It’s freaking me out. Maybe I should break up with him, then go to therapy to figure out why flirting is such a problem for me, learn that I don’t control my partners and/or find a boyfriend who doesn’t do that. First, I’m going to sleep on it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He was definitely flirting. In terms of not icing out, what would have been a better way to handle this? “Hey. Your flirting tonight upset me. I’m gonna take a few days to myself. I’ll reach out on Monday.” Something like that?

If you've actually had a talk about it by now just give him another chance and if he does it again then you know where you stand. He's not that into you doesn't care about your feelings. But it shouldn't take days to get past it. Maybe that's just part of his personality, but now he's on notice so see how he responds.

[Anonymous]

If he flirted, time to leave. If it wasn't a big deal, why the silent treatment.
I bet he was just being social and you overreacted. He may break up with you.

[Anonymous]

Silent treatment for two days is in no way ok.

As to whether his behavior at the party was ok, hard to say without seeing what you mean by flirting-you must know people means all kinds of things by “flirting” from overt sexual banter to laughing at someone’s jokes “too long.”

I have to say, though, your post is giving me gender reversed vibes of the classic “man is insanely jealous, frequently accuses gf of cheating, controls her by a combination of anger and emotional withdrawal after ‘infractions.’ “

[Anonymous]

You seem very insecure and immature. Huge red flag for attracting red flags. I think you need to work on yourself before getting into a relationship.