Did your parent or parents move to the area from somewhere else just to be closer to the grandkids?

[Anonymous]

My mom, with whom I'm very close, is retired and is seriously considering moving here from the midwest to be closer to my family and my brother's family (in NJ). She is 62, a long-time divorcee with no real interest in dating, healthy and moderately active. She has a great group of female friends back home and I worry about her ability to get involved with things and meet people here. She is not, by nature, a "joiner". She likes to read, garden, walk and had recently started doing yoga. Her income and the difference in housing costs here vs the midwest would mean that she could probably only afford a small condo or apt and I'm concerned about her giving up her lovely home and garden back home.

Has anybody else been through this and have any advice or tips to share? I'm specifically looking for people who have had a single parent move since I think this type of thing is much easier when your parent has a partner. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be concerned about the size of the home. Many retirees downsize, so having a condo wouldn't be a huge issue, I would think.

I would be more focused on how to make sure she builds a network of friends and activities here. Otherwise, if her only human connection in the area is you, she could want to spend 24/7 with her grandchildren and not sure how you'd feel about that. Would you want her to be your childcare provider, and if not, how will she be spending her days?

Does she attend church? Have a civic group (Jr League, college or sorority alumnae group, political group, etc.) that she could be active with?

My parents are considering a similar move, but we've also already discussed the need for their own lives and that their entire daily existence can't revolve around being with us and our child. We'd love to have them closer, but still need some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have that exact situation, but my MIL, who has been widowed for 20+ years, recently was forced to retire due to some health issues. She has lived in the DC area for many years, but is not very social and did not really have many friends outside of people she worked with. So, we were very nervous when she retired that she would not have a lot to do. Surprisingly, she has become fairly active in the senior activities offered through Arlington County. She goes on day trips with them to various places, has gone to several shows at the Kennedy Center, and even went on an overnight trip to NYC. So, I think getting your mother involved in something like that might be worth looking into. I am sure that most of the other counties offer things like this as well.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thanks PPs. My mom and I have discussed the boundary issues at all and she wouldn't want her whole life to revolve around us. She knows it wouldn't be good for her or us but I'm still concerned that this would happen. Part of the issue is me - I'll have to be good about not inviting her over all the time because I'm afraid she is lonely or bored. We would probably use her for some child care but my 18 month old is super social and thrives in his daycare center. I can't see switching him out. I'm pregnant with #2 so we would possibly use her for some infant care depending on the timing of when this decision takes place.

She is involved in AAUW (American Association of University Women) at home but mainly because several of her friends go. She tried out Junior League but found it wasn't a fit. From what I know of Junior League in the WDC area it would be even less of a fit for her. She has been a reading tutor in the past and I can see her doing that and volunteering at a place like Brookside Gardens or something.

I've looked into some of the "senior" activities offered by Mont. County but to be honest - they seem a little too "old" or fuddy-duddy for her. She is definitely not a bingo playing, chair exercise type grandma

Anybody else been through this and have tips to share?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks PPs. My mom and I have discussed the boundary issues at all and she wouldn't want her whole life to revolve around us. She knows it wouldn't be good for her or us but I'm still concerned that this would happen. Part of the issue is me - I'll have to be good about not inviting her over all the time because I'm afraid she is lonely or bored. We would probably use her for some child care but my 18 month old is super social and thrives in his daycare center. I can't see switching him out. I'm pregnant with #2 so we would possibly use her for some infant care depending on the timing of when this decision takes place.

She is involved in AAUW (American Association of University Women) at home but mainly because several of her friends go. She tried out Junior League but found it wasn't a fit. From what I know of Junior League in the WDC area it would be even less of a fit for her. She has been a reading tutor in the past and I can see her doing that and volunteering at a place like Brookside Gardens or something.

I've looked into some of the "senior" activities offered by Mont. County but to be honest - they seem a little too "old" or fuddy-duddy for her. She is definitely not a bingo playing, chair exercise type grandma

Anybody else been through this and have tips to share?

I'm about to be in the same position, actually, and I have mixed feelings, too. I know it'll be great for our children and for my parents, too. But I'm worried about me -- my loss of privacy and adult boundaries. Which is why the sentence above resonated so strongly for me. I've been thinking about the same issue -- will I feel pressure to invite my parents over more because I'm worried their lonely or regretful about their move? I think this is an issue for us to be really careful about. I know it's not my job or responsibility to make sure my parents are occupied and happy after the move. They need to take the initiative to meet their neighbors, join some groups, do some activities, explore the area etc. If I make their transition (and happiness!) my responsibility, I'm going to be miserable. So I'm thinking a lot about what will work for me (DH is pretty amenable either way), in terms of how often we see them and whether and how often we invite them along for outings/activities, and then stick with that rather than trying to micromanage their lives.

The other thing I remind myself is that they're going to get A LOT more grandchild time no matter what. So there's no pressure to invite them over constantly -- just as a matter of course, they'll see the kids a lot more often than they do now.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, my mom sounds like your mom. She would very much like to be here and I will be SUPER excited to have her. I'm thinking my mom might need to rent when she comes and forgo home ownership. The overall cost would be so much less, no condo fees etc and she might be able to get a senior apt through the county. There is so much to do around here, I don't think she'd necessarily have sign up for Mont. Co senior activities. There are classes at the Smithsonian, Glen Echo etc - she might even be able to find a community garden. Good luck and think about the upside.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL (slightly older than your mom, widowed) moved to MC in June to be nearer to our family in Bethesda. We had similar concerns because she was leaving a beautiful house that she had set up and also her work and friends. Unlike you, I didn't have concerns about her wanting too much of our time because she was very adamant that she wanted to build her own life.

We looked into senior centers and active adult communities, and as you mentioned, they all seemed too old for her. She is very active and young-seeming. She ended up in a regular building in N. Bethesda where she has neighbors who range in age from 2-90. With little effort (just attending building functions, going to a few exercise classes in the bldg and also to the pool on occasion, and also joining the JCC), she has met 4-5 other women of similar age, some who have lived here a while and some recently moved here. All are either divorced or widowed. They now go to dinner and movies most Fri or sat evenings, go to theater in DC, go to free concerts, etc. She also has friends come to visit from when she lived in NY and FL. We see her maybe 1-2 days a week - frankly, all of us (DH and I, two DCs) would love to see her more, but she is busy. She does "help" in an emergency and will join us when asked for a class play or something, but otherwise she has been clear that she does not want a "regular babysitting gig" or anything like that, as she wants the freedom to make plans and build her own life. It's been awesome having her around even as much as we get to see her, and we are thrilled to have her much more part of things.

The DC area is a good place for this because so many people didn't grow up here. Unlike Boston or other cities, where people tend to have grown up there, in DC many people of all ages are "starting over" making friends, so it's an easier place than some to break into.

Good luck to her and you!

[Anonymous]

LOL my dad used to live here, only 10 miles from us, but he chose to move 300 miles away. LOL.

[Anonymous]

I wish that my widowed mother would move closer. The longer she waits, the harder it will be for her to downsize and I worry about looking after her when she gets older. My husband's parents do not live near any of their five children. They should have moved closer to the children ten years ago but now all of the children must take turns flying halfway across the country each month to take care of them. From a long term point of view, you are much better off having your Mom move closer now, even if there are boundary issues. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

On the one hand, would it depress her to be away from her longtime friends and her own larger space? Perhaps after a while? Taking care of her big house might make her feel needed. On the other hand, if she is a good grandmother (usually dictated by whether she was a good mother), she will be involved with the grandchildren and that might be enough for her.

Now, she could be like my MIL and have "empty priorities" (volunteering at a museum - WTF?) and not be involved with the kids even though she lives five minutes away. She's presumptuous and claims "I thought you didn't want (this or that)" without even asking, as an excuse to be selfish.

Anyway, if she weighs her priorities, you should have your answer. Hope it works out, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, would it depress her to be away from her longtime friends and her own larger space? Perhaps after a while? Taking care of her big house might make her feel needed. On the other hand, if she is a good grandmother (usually dictated by whether she was a good mother), she will be involved with the grandchildren and that might be enough for her.

Now, she could be like my MIL and have "empty priorities" (volunteering at a museum - WTF?) and not be involved with the kids even though she lives five minutes away. She's presumptuous and claims "I thought you didn't want (this or that)" without even asking, as an excuse to be selfish.

Anyway, if she weighs her priorities, you should have your answer. Hope it works out, OP.

14:00 here. My MIL also volunteers in a museum rather than acting as a regular babysitter, though in our family, we consider this "having a life" and DO think that she has her priorities straight. She is a much more independent, happier person for the fact that she does things on her own and has interesting stories to share at the end of the day. She will help out with the children in a pinch, but we never assumed that she was going to be our regular babysitter. We knew she wanted a life of her own, just one nearby us to get to see us on weekends and for school plays, special occasions, and in an emergency. She was and is an excellent mom and is a wonderful grandmother. There are many ways to fulfill these roles.

[Anonymous]

my mom did move here for me and my kids and is with us pretty much 24/7 though she has her own place. It is awesome for us and the kids, but I wish she would expand her social circle more, for her benefit!

in any case we worried about it, but in the end it has been great 98% of the time.

[Anonymous]

My single mom, who sounds a lot like the OP, also moved here largely to be close to my family and my brother. My mom is terrible at making friends, and over a year later she really hasn't made any. She does work, which obviously takes up a lot of time, but she just hasn't really put herself out there.

I hope this isn't hijacking the thread, but I'd love any thoughts on how she could get more involved in things!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I meant so say my mom sounds like the OP's mom -- not the OP!

[Anonymous]

My ILs are planning to move here for this very reason. It makes me nervous, but we've gone over all of the issues with them several times and they are making the move with their eyes open (I hope). I'll be thrilled to have them spend more time with their grandchildren. I'm just worried they won't have their own lives and we'll be "responsible" for their happiness.