Teen friend disappeared

[Anonymous]

A friend of my daughter’s from last year has been cut off from all contact from her previous friend group. Neither my daughter nor any of the other friends have been able to contact this girl, none have seen her in any of the high schools they attend, and no one knows where she is. We are aware that there is a contentious custody case with at least one of the parents having mental health issues. It does feel like there are some red flags since my daughter and her friends are good girls, not the kind that would need to be cut off for behavior issues or drug use.
My 14 year old daughter is very worried and spending money on “people finder” and court websites trying to find out what happened to this girl. I want my daughter to stop doing that, as it’s unlikely she will be able to find this girl that way. I will make sure my DD stops using these websites. What can I tell my daughter to alleviate this pain of not knowing what happened to her friend? I doubt FCPS would be able to tell her anything, if they even know.

[Anonymous]

you can control where your minor child spends money. Presumably she needs a credit card to pay for websites, so that can be stopped.

You cannot control whether she is worried about a friend who disappeared, and I don't blame her for being concerned. You also can't take away her pain about not knowing what happened to her friend. You can empathize with her. You can help her contact the friend's parents if you think that's appropriate. You could help her make a CPS report. If this is causing severe anxiety or depression you can help her talk with the school guidance counselor, her doctor, or a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I would advise your DD to talk to the guidance counselor about her concerns. They likely cannot provide any information to your daughter, but the counselor may be able to help the girl in some way or at least contact her current school about concerns.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. This happened to my DS at a slightly younger age. There was no custody issue but the mother suffered from mental health issues and just pulled the child out of school one day all of a sudden and took away his phone.
It was months before he resurfaced and told my child what happened and that he was told not. to have any contact with anyone from the old school.
The guidance counselor idea is a great one. The guidance counselor should be able to help in some way.

[Anonymous]

Guidance counselor first.
She will have to make peace with not knowing.
I high school friend disappeared while I was away at college and I still look for her online from time to time, decades later.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. That’s hard.

I’m nosy and I’d spend a few hundred on a private detective to locate each parent and find out where the girl is living just for my OWN peace of mind. But again. I’m incredibly nosy

[Anonymous]

I mean if a child disappeared and I knew their parent had mental health issues, I would have called CPS myself. And I’m not one to say this. But if something actually happened to this kid and I didn’t report it, I would never forgive myself.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen to me in sixth grade. My good friend's family suddenly moved, while I was out sick from school, so I came back and she was gone. This was 40 years ago so no real way to stay in touch...hopefully your DD and friend can reconnect in the future. It was hard, and I still think of her, especially when I'm visiting my parents and I drive past her house (it was a very unique home). I think the guidance counselor is a good idea, they may have at least an inkling of what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guidance counselor first.
She will have to make peace with not knowing.
I high school friend disappeared while I was away at college and I still look for her online from time to time, decades later.

Do you know any family names? You could try ancestry.com.

Use old phone books, yearbooks, and the Census to figure out family names to check.

[Anonymous]

“Disappeared” in your title is a little dramatic. Maybe the student end up moving with their other parent or another relative. Just because they are not at another local school is no reason alone for alarm. Your kid is anxious and is already probably on the web too much if their guest instinct is that something nefarious happened to her friend. Tell your kid that they likely won’t find a minor child listed on those sites unless she has a phone, real estate, bills, etc in her name. My kids are alive and well and there is no trace of them on those sites.

[Anonymous]

All of the above. You can also refrain from judginess. Kids with behavioral or substance use issues are still good kids who are likely struggling

[Anonymous]

This happened to a friend of mine in high school. She just didn’t come in one Monday and no one saw her until the following school year. She was at an inpatient eating disorder clinic for 6 months. Could be something like that.

[Anonymous]

Teen may be living with grandparent/s. You may be able to find their info online.

[Anonymous]

Are either of the parents immigrants? Such that ICE would try to grab them and the daughter? With the rounding up of people, that crosses my mind.

[Anonymous]

OP another vote for having your daughter talk to the counselor at her school. And you as a parent can also ask the school what if anything they know about how the friend might be reached, and also ask them at what point it becomes something that should be reported to police.