really struggling... need help please
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Anonymous
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i'm sorry if is this the wrong forum, but i searched on the relationships forum and couldn't find anything. i thought this forum may know more because it's been very helpful for my two SN kids.
My husband is high-functioning autistic, and I'm in so much pain from the way he treats me, and I don't know what to do. We are in therapy, but i believe he needs help learning the basics of interpreting emotions and body language (our therapist does more "traditional" marital conflict stuff like how do we decide who empties the dishwasher, etc. Plus, it's over zoom, and I think the therapist misses a lot of the physical cues because we aren't in the same room). Our therapist says my husband is clearly on the autism specturm, but he doesn't know much about how to treat it. Is there any evaluation for: 1. assessing if an adult can interpret other people's emotions (FWIW, a neuropsych said my son has trouble with this, and i asked where an adult could take the test, and she said she didn;t know). 2. a body language class for adults on the specturm. For example, he clenches his fists whenever I ask him the slightest thing, and it makes me feel like the conversation is torturing him. I totally respect if that's what his body needs to do, but I just wonder if there is some type of therapist that could mediate between the two of us, so I don't misinterpret stuff. 3. some kind of therapy that explains words to use that are and are not helpful in emotional situations. For example, when my father had a heart attack and was unconscious in the ICU, my husband made stupid dad jokes to try to cheer me up. This was not helpful. Can some type of therapist explain that to him not using emotional explanations, but using a more scripted approach like the one used in ABA (applied behavioral analysis)? BTW, he has pathological demand avoidance and extremely rigid thinking. So when our current therapist tries to explain stuff to him, he just argues and argues about how what the therapist is saying is not true. He's off the charts smart, and it just turns into a battle over the "facts of the case." If me or the therapist asks him to do something, the PDA kicks in and he just shouts about how he wont' do that because it won't work. He also refuses to accept the autism diagnosis and then argues over the symptom list and claims he doesn't have any of them (he has them). To be clear, I love him. And i dont' want to leave him. TIA |
Anonymous
| The PDA part is particularly challenging and will make therapy difficult. In addition, as much as couples therapy can be a good thing, you can only control your actions and reactions, so no therapist is going to successfully tell him how or what to do, but they should help you learn to navigate communicating with him better and your reactions to his behavior. I would look at the resources on Donna Henderson’s page and reach out to see if she has a clinician that they would recommend for you. https://www.drdonnahenderson.com/event-list |
Anonymous
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I think you have to start with the premise that you are not going to change him.
You can accept him as he is or leave him, but he is fundamentally not going to change. |
Anonymous
| If he rejects the autism diagnosis outright, there is no way you're going to be able to mediate. He has to accept that you two navigate the world fundamentally differently and appreciate that you prefer X and he prefers Y, and somehow meet in the middle. If he doesn't see any value in your perspective, it's going to be hard to move forward. |
Anonymous
| He needs to be willing to go to therapy on his own. This is NOT going to be a quick fix. If he is willing to make small changes, you'll need to notice them and be happy that he's making progress. This won't be addressed by couples therapy. |
Anonymous
| You need to go to individual therapy in person. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You can also try to explain your reasoning ahead of time so he doesn’t assume what your feelings are and so he understands situations intellectually before his emotions take over. |
Anonymous
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How old is he?
How long have you been married? Has this continued to get worse since you first met? |
Anonymous
| OP here. He’s 56. Married 17 years. Looking back on when we first met, I see all the obvious signs now, but when we were dating, we just didn’t have that much stress, so I never saw how he would act if something emotional happened. Now we have a daughter with a brain injury, and he just can’t support me at all. When she was developmentally delayed as a baby, I told him something was wrong. He told me it was because I work outside the home. It broke my heart (and of course was false), but he has a tendency to make up a “rational” reason in his own mind why something hard is happening. It’s a form of denial, I guess. It’s taken years for him to even acknowledge what happened to our daughter. |
Anonymous
| OP my heart goes out to you. I don't have any good suggestions. I was going to say leave and find happiness on your own until you added the part about your daughter. |
Anonymous
| At his age and with his level of meanness I don’t see him getting “better” therapy or not. You stay with what you’ve got or leave. |
Anonymous
The diagnosis is a red herring. They would have the issues with or without a diagnosis. there’s no medicine for autism so a diagnosis does not open any unavailable doors. |
Anonymous
| Sorry OP. My husband is also autistic and it has resulted in job loss and communication issues between us. But I'm thankful he doesn't have PDA and is generally open to requests. PDA would be really tough. Sorry I don't have a specialist in mind but just saying that I feel your pain! |
Anonymous
| Does “this upsets me and hurts my feelings” help? Even if he thinks it’s dumb and shouldn’t hurt your feelings? |
Anonymous
Op here. For the most part, no it doesn’t help. He just gets mad and then argues why what he said is actually fine. I think it’s a defense mechanism against being emotionally overwhelmed. He knows something emotional is happening, but he’s confused and doesn’t know what to do. |
Anonymous
| Op again. I just wanted to say thank you for all of your support. I literally cried when someone said “I’m sorry this is happening.” It’s so validating. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. So…. Thanks to everybody out there. ❤️ |