Nice but wrong

[Anonymous]

If your son or daughter in their 20's are getting serious about someone who isn't the right partner for them and you feel that everyone can see it but them, would you stay quite or gently give your 2 cents?

Would it be difficult to decide if you should protect their short term happiness over long term happiness? Is it selfish to stay quiet to avoid ruining your relationship with them or should you just give your honest opinion?

[Anonymous]

nobody ever takes this advice from parents or even friends.

you should probably not say anything.

[Anonymous]

What criteria are you using to determine it isn’t the right partner? Barring abuse, addiction, or something equally concerning, any kind of conversation isn’t going to go well.

[Anonymous]

What makes you think that your “honest” opinion is going to make them ditch their partner vs distance themselves from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What criteria are you using to determine it isn’t the right partner? Barring abuse, addiction, or something equally concerning, any kind of conversation isn’t going to go well.

Yes, is this like, partner is constantly verbally abusing them and sneaking around, or their earning potential is only low six figures and they're a bit overweight?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would stay "quite". Quite silent that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What criteria are you using to determine it isn’t the right partner? Barring abuse, addiction, or something equally concerning, any kind of conversation isn’t going to go well.

Yes, is this like, partner is constantly verbally abusing them and sneaking around, or their earning potential is only low six figures and they're a bit overweight?

Verbal abuse- I might say something about the behavior
Constantly sneaking around - do you mean like cheating?

Over weight or low earning potential? Zip it - do not say anything?

[Anonymous]

Who is noticing the sneaking around? You or your child? If they complain, ask questions. For example, how does that make you feel, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nobody ever takes this advice from parents or even friends.

you should probably not say anything.

+1. This is just going to hurt your relationships with them. Even if you're right (you might well be wrong), it's not going to change what's happening.

[Anonymous]

Short of any kind of abuse I would not say anything

[Anonymous]

What I do with friends is I never comment directly on a partner, but I will sometimes share my observations about how friend is feeling/behaving in a relationship. “You seem more serious with X than you have in previous relationships. Do you like that he brings out that side of you?” “As you and X have gotten more serious, it seems to me that you spend a lot of time worrying about your appearance. Do you feel those are related?”

[Anonymous]

What if you feel their finances would be seriously compromised because significant other us in a low paying career with debt and family with no stable jobs who drain major chunk of what SO earns.

[Anonymous]

You don't want to end up with a son or daughter in law you've already said to your DC is wrong for them. On the other hand, you owe it to your DC. Not that they'll take your word for it. They won't. So you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you want them to someday say, "Why didn't you warm me?" or "We can't see you for thanksgiving -- again -- this year"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you feel their finances would be seriously compromised because significant other us in a low paying career with debt and family with no stable jobs who drain major chunk of what SO earns.

are you the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you feel their finances would be seriously compromised because significant other us in a low paying career with debt and family with no stable jobs who drain major chunk of what SO earns.

Then I would just ask questions...what's your timeline for saving for a house, how will you balance paying off debt with retirement savings... get them to think on their own, and maybe they have reasonable answers.