Younger teens - dumb arguments
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My then 13 yo dd was left by a friend, it caused a huge rift (one that my dd wants to repair) because the friend pointed out a conversational issue that I think is too advanced/too much to expect.
It has been a while, and the friendship rift keeps coming back like a bad coin. To me, it’s very sad. My dd feels the same. In groups, they are managing ok but the friend has my dd blocked on the phone. Group texts are strange … ____ It is advanced / near-adult-level to do this in conversation: Friend 1 “I have a huge problem. My xy teacher is making me do yz. My coach said I can’t do that because of x practice issue. I don’t have time for school, sports, my friends and family.” Friend 2 “That sounds so hard. I’m here for you, just a listening ear. So sorry.” ___ Instead my dd, at age 13, tried to talk her best friend through the problem. My goodness, it took most of us to 18-25 to learn about this. In fact, it wasn’t even in the public sphere as a notion until the 2000s. When it was pointed out to my dd (again, just trying to help her friend), dd tried to correct it and get the concept but it’s not like she’s going to transform right away. Further issues appeared, also just nonsensical. And though I like and miss this friend, she’s not being very open to repair, holding grudges, and I guess I don’t want my dd to navigate this anymore. |
Anonymous
| For those who say, why do you care, they’ll figure with out. Yes, they will. In the meantime, dd is coming to me at least weekly with awkward run-ins, even though she would like to be friends again. It’s been a tough school year. |
Anonymous
| This girl doesn't want to be close with your daughter. Your daughter needs to reed the social cues (which it's seeming like is not her best quality) and stop trying to repair the friendship. |
Anonymous
WTAF are you talking about? What notion wasn't in the public sphere until the 2000s? Unless it relates to social media, that's just laughable. Your ramble makes little-to-no sense. |
Anonymous
|
My guess is the parents use tactics like this in arguments to “win” the argument. Your DD’s friend may come from drama.
It is ok for adults to expect better conversation, but teens are too young to expect it from peers. And pointing it out is fine, but not expecting a fellow teenager to ‘just be a listening ear.’ Like, it might blow their mind to learn about the concept, but they can’t grasp it immediately. I would be mad at my kids - boy and girls older teens / young adult now - if they were going around having high expectations about emotional dumping, emotional conversations. |
Anonymous
|
So I have to clarify: one friend got mad at the other friend. One was sharing big problems and if I’m reading it right, your dd was listening to the friend. Your dd is now unfriended because she gave advice. The friend wanted her to simply listen.
I’d stay away from the friend. Not that she was wrong. No one was wrong or right. No one is at fault here. But if the one friend would lose a friendship based on it, then she cares more about being heard than being friends with your dd. |
Anonymous
| What was this in your last paragraph “Further issues appeared, also just nonsensical.” ? |
Anonymous
|
?????????
Your post is painfully unclear!! What is a "conversational issue" in the first place, and what specific "conversational issue" did the friend point out and get mad at? Did your DD give her friend some advice that the friend disagreed with and take offense to? Or is the friend mad at your DD simply because she just didn't let her vent? Stop rambling about all these weird notions your hinting at and just tell us what actually happened and what this friend is mad at your DD for doing/saying! Then we can offer advice. |
Anonymous
|
Since you are being so cryptic I'm left with the sense that your DD might have actually said something unsensitive, unkind, or just plain sh*tty to this friend.
Maybe it's not just a "dumb argument" about whether DD should have been a listening ear. Maybe your DD said hurtful things. |
Anonymous
| Wha I am getting is that OP’s DD has continued to befriend this girl and she is not having it. The reason doesn’t matter. Tell your DD to leave her alone. |
Anonymous
| What does "been awhile" mean? How long has your DD been continuing to pester this girl who was so upset by whatever your DD said that she blocked your DD? Are we talking more than a year? You said your DD was "then" 13? |
Anonymous
| If your daughter communicates like you do, I can see why the friendship ended. Non sensical is a good word to use for you as well. |
Anonymous
|
You need to step back emotionally. Yes, it's normal for your kid to be upset about this. It's normal for her to ask you for advice. It's normal for it to go on and on, repair, break, repair, break. This is how kids learn and grow and develop social skills! But you need to not get sucked in and take on these emotions for her. You already did Middle School once, don't it again.
If she wants to talk or get advice, do that, for a while, then say "Sorry you're having such a rough time. I know you'll figure it out, you're a kind kid. I'm going to go start dinner" and then YOU need to let it go. It sounds like YOU don't want to navigate this anymore - and you don't have to. Back away! You can also try something more big picture. "It sounds like you're doing a lot of work to try and fix this friendship. You must really value it. Do you think Larla values your friendship?" |