DH calling DW degrading names

[Anonymous]

DH gets turned on by calling me bad / degrading names in the bedroom. I think it’s OK but am guessing others wouldn’t like this. Is this common?

[Anonymous]

If you’re ok with it, that’s the only thing that matters. But the fact you’re asking makes me think you’re not fully ok or you’re wondering WHY he’s doing it. Have a conversation with him. I had a partner who tried this once, I just shook my head and said no. He never tried it again. We did do a bunch of other stuff others would find uncomfortable. You have to communicate. People can’t read minds.

[Anonymous]

DH here: it depends on what you mean by bad/degrading, and I sort of question the framing. If you mean something like—well, I don’t want to ruin the vibe in this thread—let’s just say a constellation of terms related to sexual bad behavior, it can be hot. But I don’t think that’s “degrading” in that context. If you are talking about harsher stuff than that, e.g. “you’re useless” or whatever, that’s anti-hot and anti-sexy and I’d question what was going on with any man who was into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here: it depends on what you mean by bad/degrading, and I sort of question the framing. If you mean something like—well, I don’t want to ruin the vibe in this thread—let’s just say a constellation of terms related to sexual bad behavior, it can be hot. But I don’t think that’s “degrading” in that context. If you are talking about harsher stuff than that, e.g. “you’re useless” or whatever, that’s anti-hot and anti-sexy and I’d question what was going on with any man who was into that.

It’s talking about the former.

[Anonymous]

My husband does this; it doesn’t bother me. I’ve been with him 30 years, I’ve seen him in every kind of mood and I know he’s not a misogynist. I think it’s a mistake to think that sexual fantasies are an indication of what someone really wants. It’s just a fantasy. Many women fantasize about rape, but they don’t want to be a rape victim.

However, if his other actions indicate a lack of respect or contempt, then that’s something else. I suggest you ask him about it, trying your best to come from a place of curiosity rather than judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does this; it doesn’t bother me. I’ve been with him 30 years, I’ve seen him in every kind of mood and I know he’s not a misogynist. I think it’s a mistake to think that sexual fantasies are an indication of what someone really wants. It’s just a fantasy. Many women fantasize about rape, but they don’t want to be a rape victim.

However, if his other actions indicate a lack of respect or contempt, then that’s something else. I suggest you ask him about it, trying your best to come from a place of curiosity rather than judgment.

Care to share any slightly more specific detail of what your husband says?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH gets turned on by calling me bad / degrading names in the bedroom. I think it’s OK but am guessing others wouldn’t like this. Is this common?

Why post this if you are good with it? You trolling, love?

[Anonymous]

I think it's more common for women to want to be called degrading names, but it's pretty common in both directions.

[Anonymous]

Wanna trade? I can’t get mine to…..😭

Something that may help is explain to him the degrading stuff really only works when 70-80% of the other stuff is extremely loving, gentle, and tender. Women don’t want to be straight up degraded, we want the sweet romantic stuff and then you sprinkle the degrading stuff in. I wouldn’t like mine calling me a sl*t if he wasn’t also worshipping the ground I walk on and constantly triggering my praise kink as well.

Get the other stuff going first, then he can try sprinkling in the degrading stuff and see how you like it.

Would also be good for him to read up on BDSM and how it’s actually done. Most of it is actually centered around communication and caring for the other person, not just hurting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH gets turned on by calling me bad / degrading names in the bedroom. I think it’s OK but am guessing others wouldn’t like this. Is this common?

Why post this if you are good with it? You trolling, love?

Many, many people want to know if they are ‘normal.’ OP may be ok with it but also not sure whether that’s ‘normal’ or whether that means something about her. For example, I can imagine a woman wondering whether her enjoyment of being called dirty names is a sign of low self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Are we talking “you sl_t you know you want it” or “take this you lousy b!t¢h”, because there’s definitely a difference there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: it depends on what you mean by bad/degrading, and I sort of question the framing. If you mean something like—well, I don’t want to ruin the vibe in this thread—let’s just say a constellation of terms related to sexual bad behavior, it can be hot. But I don’t think that’s “degrading” in that context. If you are talking about harsher stuff than that, e.g. “you’re useless” or whatever, that’s anti-hot and anti-sexy and I’d question what was going on with any man who was into that.

It’s talking about the former.

FWIW, I think “degrading” is too strong a term for that sort of thing, it strikes me as reasonably standard pillow talk, a titillating fantasy that is more playful than anything else. Obviously, if it doesn’t work for someone, it doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH gets turned on by calling me bad / degrading names in the bedroom. I think it’s OK but am guessing others wouldn’t like this. Is this common?

if your DH is doing this to "other" in your bedroom, you got a bigger issue to address

[Anonymous]

Ok with it, or into it. The difference matters.

[Anonymous]

I like to be called a sl*t or similar dirty talk when DH and I are having kinkier sex. I was actually the one who introduced him to that kind of sex. Maybe....a couple times a month. The rest is just normal sex and no names.

IRL, DH has never even uttered a mean word to me and has never raised his voice to me.

But, I can see why others wouldn't be into it or comfortable with it. I think it can depend also on how he treats you outside the bedroom.