How to make the most of "little kid years"?

[Anonymous]

There was a recent post in Tweens & Teens from a mom who was nostalgic for the years that she had little kids. A bunch of people posted about how they could relate.

I have two girls aged 3 and 5 and was really moved by that thread. I want to make the most of this time and ask parents of older kids for your insight. What did you do as a parent/family that you look back on fondly and what would you do differently?

I work full time and am not in a position to change that, but I have a decent amount of flexibility. I feel like I have wasted too much of this special time being stressed, tired, in a rush, etc, and I don't want to have regrets.

Thank you for your thoughts!

[Anonymous]

It's impossible to appreciate what you have. We'll always look back and wish we'd done things differently, wish for 2nd changes and wish for more time.

The days are long and the years are short.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 9, 11, and 13.

I feel like we parents of older kids often tend to think "why was I so stressed?" about what are often called little kid problems. And yeah - once those little kid problems are solved, or handled, or you learn to live with them or whatever, they aren't so stressful any more. But that's because they're handled! They're solved! You know what to do when they come up!

I don't know how in the world you'd be less stressed before that's done - before you know what to do with the food refusal, or the temper tantrum, or the clothing sensitivity, or the social skills issue, or whatever it is. If it was just about choosing not to be stressed, then "big kid problems" wouldn't be stressful either (yeah, not even college acceptances and drugs and all the rest) because you'd just chose it.

And if it's about how important the problem is to long term success, isn't learning to eat your vegetables just as important as not getting addicted to alcohol? Both impact your health, after all.

So I tend to give a bombastic side-eye (as my 13 year old loves to say) to those parents of older kids who act like the little kid years are so easy. They really aren't.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is not something you can really change. Other than being mindful and trying to appreciate the phase you are in, knowing it will pass. I wish I had had more confidence that one of my kids would be OK, i spent ages 4 to 9 with him fielding endless calls from school about disruptions, seeing him melt down and have social skill issues, multiple therapists and doctors. With the right meds and maturity he is OK now. But that doesn’t change how stressful it was at the time. I do wish I had the perspective now to just get through it and love him without worrying about his future as much as I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 9, 11, and 13.

I feel like we parents of older kids often tend to think "why was I so stressed?" about what are often called little kid problems. And yeah - once those little kid problems are solved, or handled, or you learn to live with them or whatever, they aren't so stressful any more. But that's because they're handled! They're solved! You know what to do when they come up!

I don't know how in the world you'd be less stressed before that's done - before you know what to do with the food refusal, or the temper tantrum, or the clothing sensitivity, or the social skills issue, or whatever it is. If it was just about choosing not to be stressed, then "big kid problems" wouldn't be stressful either (yeah, not even college acceptances and drugs and all the rest) because you'd just chose it.

And if it's about how important the problem is to long term success, isn't learning to eat your vegetables just as important as not getting addicted to alcohol? Both impact your health, after all.

So I tend to give a bombastic side-eye (as my 13 year old loves to say) to those parents of older kids who act like the little kid years are so easy. They really aren't.

This is a great response.

There is too much pressure on parents these days. Moms especially. Some of it comes from social media but there's also just this ambient expectation that parenting look a certain way.

I will say that the best thing you can do with your kids at any age is find ways to be with them that bring out the best in both of you. This can actually mean doing LESS, especially if you have a kid who sometimes struggles with change, excitement, being off schedule, etc. I have a high needs kid who can be a handful at times and looking back, all my best memories with her are at home, just hanging out -- watching movies, reading books, painting nails, just joking around. My memories of some of our big trips and activities are of dealing with tears, explosive feelings, refusal to participate, complaining. I don't regret that stuff, it was important for her growth (and mine) and learning to deal with life when you have less control. But my dearest memories of the little kid years are bedtime snuggles and at-home meals and activities, not Disney or pumpkin patches or foreign travel (though we did those things too).

Do less! Try to enjoy what you can. Accept there will be good and bad and that's just part of it -- it's a rich, full experience, not a highlight reel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 9, 11, and 13.

I feel like we parents of older kids often tend to think "why was I so stressed?" about what are often called little kid problems. And yeah - once those little kid problems are solved, or handled, or you learn to live with them or whatever, they aren't so stressful any more. But that's because they're handled! They're solved! You know what to do when they come up!

I don't know how in the world you'd be less stressed before that's done - before you know what to do with the food refusal, or the temper tantrum, or the clothing sensitivity, or the social skills issue, or whatever it is. If it was just about choosing not to be stressed, then "big kid problems" wouldn't be stressful either (yeah, not even college acceptances and drugs and all the rest) because you'd just chose it.

And if it's about how important the problem is to long term success, isn't learning to eat your vegetables just as important as not getting addicted to alcohol? Both impact your health, after all.

So I tend to give a bombastic side-eye (as my 13 year old loves to say) to those parents of older kids who act like the little kid years are so easy. They really aren't.

This is a great response.

There is too much pressure on parents these days. Moms especially. Some of it comes from social media but there's also just this ambient expectation that parenting look a certain way.

I will say that the best thing you can do with your kids at any age is find ways to be with them that bring out the best in both of you. This can actually mean doing LESS, especially if you have a kid who sometimes struggles with change, excitement, being off schedule, etc. I have a high needs kid who can be a handful at times and looking back, all my best memories with her are at home, just hanging out -- watching movies, reading books, painting nails, just joking around. My memories of some of our big trips and activities are of dealing with tears, explosive feelings, refusal to participate, complaining. I don't regret that stuff, it was important for her growth (and mine) and learning to deal with life when you have less control. But my dearest memories of the little kid years are bedtime snuggles and at-home meals and activities, not Disney or pumpkin patches or foreign travel (though we did those things too).

Do less! Try to enjoy what you can. Accept there will be good and bad and that's just part of it -- it's a rich, full experience, not a highlight reel.

OP here. All these replies are so thoughtful and validating - thank you PPs.

PP, I like what you said about doing less and enjoying those simple moments with them. Sometimes I feel like even this requires intention, when ideally it would be like second nature. I realized I was spending too much time on my phone and am putting it away when I'm with them. Another thing I did recently is realized I had my kindergartener signed up for a bunch of non-school day programming during random school closure days so I could work. I am going to take off work on some of these days instead, aside from the ones where her good friends are attending the same program.

It helps me feel at ease to make some shifts like this in an effort to be present, even if I'll always wish I had more time, as some PPs said.

[Anonymous]

My kids are young adults and I sometimes think that the best time of my life was their little kid years. I loved it so much. We both worked full time and we both contributed to taking care of the household - each playing to strengths and likes. So, I did most of the childcare stuff because I was good at it and fast at it and didn't mind it. OTOH, I have never once taken out the trash or done yard work besides plant a couple of flowers and feed the birds. People here would likely criticize my arrangement because literally spouse never once met any of our kids teachers or doctors and one had a lot of medical complications, which, as an aside means that we didn't have the easiest of kids. But it worked for us and we never fought about who was doing what and whether we were both fairly contributing.

I had lots of time for my kids because I am an organization freak and I prepare in advance. I rarely brought work home. I laid out clothes for the week on Sunday right after I did laundry. I packed lunches for the week all at once and as soon as they were eligible for school lunch, I set up an account so I could be rid of that chore. I grocery shopped at Costco every other week. I have a lot of energy - partly, I think, because I started every day with a 5 am workout. And, I am pretty chill when it comes to kid stuff so that helped. Like, if they got to bed late, missed a nap or had to nap in the car, it would work itself out.

The biggest things are that I built traditions for our family - both daily and things like holidays. Like, for day to day, one of our traditions was to end the day reading in my bedroom before bed all the way through HS. I set up a couch and a chair and the kids would also lay on the floor. We play cards after dinner and every time we go out to eat together. And, I made notes for their lunches everyday - which they loved and saved. I volunteered at school when I could, which was much more in MS and HS. Never missed a sports event, school play or whatever they were into. I never missed a Halloween parade - I took the day off every year so I could ensure that I'd be there. Spouse does not have as good of attendance as I did but went to a lot, but it was more important to the kids that I be there.

We took big vacations a couple of times a year - trips really, because we don't tend to relax - from the time they were very little. I took more amazing hikes with a kid on my back than I can remember, my favorite and probably the hardest being Bryce Canyons. I had no issue traveling alone with the three of them so we could tag along on work trips with my spouse. (Spouse wasn't so good at that once we had three kids, but with the first two, they tagged along with me). When we had little money for trips, we drove instead of flying, tent camped instead of hotels and took peanut butter, jelly and bread so we didn't have to stop for food. I made car trips pleasant by using cookie sheets to make racetracks for hot wheels. Of course we had a portable DVD - until the youngest, people weren't using cellphones to watch movies yet.

We never missed a community event and we were the last family to leave the pool every night in the summer because they had so much fun. I treated most weekends like a vacation and went someplace. If there was nothing going on in DC and I didn't feel like doing a museum or the zoo again, I'd take them camping or on a day trip to the beach. I also taught them things like how to sew and my spouse taught them how to do basic plumbing and electric work.

As they got older, we became the go to house and I would always take their friends on activities and trips with us and let them stay over whenever they wanted. We hosted lots of Friday night movie and pizza nights through late ES and MS and many sports team gatherings. Even if we weren't scheduled to host, when the scheduled host cancelled last minute, we always stepped in. We volunteered at their school's sporting events even if our kids weren't playing.

Another big thing is that everyone in my family is genuinely kind to each other. We taught the kids to be interested in each other. It makes everyone want to be together. The best part of all of this is that as young adults, my family is still really close and my kids all really count on each other if they need something. And, now that we are empty nesters, they choose to spend time together even when we aren't around.

Hope I gave you some ideas and that you make some wonderful memories. They do grow up fast.

[Anonymous]

Put your energy into things that matter and let the rest go.

Don’t wear yourself out with housekeeping. It is a Sisyphean task.

Say yes to fun things and let them evolve. Let them paint the driveway or paint the garage door walls. It doesn’t matter.

Pay attention to who they are not who you want/hope they will be. The hardest and one of the most important things to learn as a parent is when to push, when to pull and when to follow.

Have fun. Breakfast for dinner, yes. Different shoes on each foot to school, yes! If it won’t matter in a week, don’t worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are young adults and I sometimes think that the best time of my life was their little kid years. I loved it so much. We both worked full time and we both contributed to taking care of the household - each playing to strengths and likes. So, I did most of the childcare stuff because I was good at it and fast at it and didn't mind it. OTOH, I have never once taken out the trash or done yard work besides plant a couple of flowers and feed the birds. People here would likely criticize my arrangement because literally spouse never once met any of our kids teachers or doctors and one had a lot of medical complications, which, as an aside means that we didn't have the easiest of kids. But it worked for us and we never fought about who was doing what and whether we were both fairly contributing.

I had lots of time for my kids because I am an organization freak and I prepare in advance. I rarely brought work home. I laid out clothes for the week on Sunday right after I did laundry. I packed lunches for the week all at once and as soon as they were eligible for school lunch, I set up an account so I could be rid of that chore. I grocery shopped at Costco every other week. I have a lot of energy - partly, I think, because I started every day with a 5 am workout. And, I am pretty chill when it comes to kid stuff so that helped. Like, if they got to bed late, missed a nap or had to nap in the car, it would work itself out.

The biggest things are that I built traditions for our family - both daily and things like holidays. Like, for day to day, one of our traditions was to end the day reading in my bedroom before bed all the way through HS. I set up a couch and a chair and the kids would also lay on the floor. We play cards after dinner and every time we go out to eat together. And, I made notes for their lunches everyday - which they loved and saved. I volunteered at school when I could, which was much more in MS and HS. Never missed a sports event, school play or whatever they were into. I never missed a Halloween parade - I took the day off every year so I could ensure that I'd be there. Spouse does not have as good of attendance as I did but went to a lot, but it was more important to the kids that I be there.

We took big vacations a couple of times a year - trips really, because we don't tend to relax - from the time they were very little. I took more amazing hikes with a kid on my back than I can remember, my favorite and probably the hardest being Bryce Canyons. I had no issue traveling alone with the three of them so we could tag along on work trips with my spouse. (Spouse wasn't so good at that once we had three kids, but with the first two, they tagged along with me). When we had little money for trips, we drove instead of flying, tent camped instead of hotels and took peanut butter, jelly and bread so we didn't have to stop for food. I made car trips pleasant by using cookie sheets to make racetracks for hot wheels. Of course we had a portable DVD - until the youngest, people weren't using cellphones to watch movies yet.

We never missed a community event and we were the last family to leave the pool every night in the summer because they had so much fun. I treated most weekends like a vacation and went someplace. If there was nothing going on in DC and I didn't feel like doing a museum or the zoo again, I'd take them camping or on a day trip to the beach. I also taught them things like how to sew and my spouse taught them how to do basic plumbing and electric work.

As they got older, we became the go to house and I would always take their friends on activities and trips with us and let them stay over whenever they wanted. We hosted lots of Friday night movie and pizza nights through late ES and MS and many sports team gatherings. Even if we weren't scheduled to host, when the scheduled host cancelled last minute, we always stepped in. We volunteered at their school's sporting events even if our kids weren't playing.

Another big thing is that everyone in my family is genuinely kind to each other. We taught the kids to be interested in each other. It makes everyone want to be together. The best part of all of this is that as young adults, my family is still really close and my kids all really count on each other if they need something. And, now that we are empty nesters, they choose to spend time together even when we aren't around.

Hope I gave you some ideas and that you make some wonderful memories. They do grow up fast.

I’m exhausted just reading this. I do think having some family traditions is nice (as long as you aren’t inventing traditions for the sake of having traditions but encouraging the things that work for you organically).

Overall count me in the “do less” camp 😉

[Anonymous]

Record lots of 30 second to 1 min videos. I wish I had more of these.

Be organized about photos and videos, so you can look back at them.

This stage of life is so hard that you will probably be stressed and tired. Prioritize mindful time with the kids, even if it is going for a walk with them and stopping to look at every little rock and flower that catches their eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are young adults and I sometimes think that the best time of my life was their little kid years. I loved it so much. We both worked full time and we both contributed to taking care of the household - each playing to strengths and likes. So, I did most of the childcare stuff because I was good at it and fast at it and didn't mind it. OTOH, I have never once taken out the trash or done yard work besides plant a couple of flowers and feed the birds. People here would likely criticize my arrangement because literally spouse never once met any of our kids teachers or doctors and one had a lot of medical complications, which, as an aside means that we didn't have the easiest of kids. But it worked for us and we never fought about who was doing what and whether we were both fairly contributing.

I had lots of time for my kids because I am an organization freak and I prepare in advance. I rarely brought work home. I laid out clothes for the week on Sunday right after I did laundry. I packed lunches for the week all at once and as soon as they were eligible for school lunch, I set up an account so I could be rid of that chore. I grocery shopped at Costco every other week. I have a lot of energy - partly, I think, because I started every day with a 5 am workout. And, I am pretty chill when it comes to kid stuff so that helped. Like, if they got to bed late, missed a nap or had to nap in the car, it would work itself out.

The biggest things are that I built traditions for our family - both daily and things like holidays. Like, for day to day, one of our traditions was to end the day reading in my bedroom before bed all the way through HS. I set up a couch and a chair and the kids would also lay on the floor. We play cards after dinner and every time we go out to eat together. And, I made notes for their lunches everyday - which they loved and saved. I volunteered at school when I could, which was much more in MS and HS. Never missed a sports event, school play or whatever they were into. I never missed a Halloween parade - I took the day off every year so I could ensure that I'd be there. Spouse does not have as good of attendance as I did but went to a lot, but it was more important to the kids that I be there.

We took big vacations a couple of times a year - trips really, because we don't tend to relax - from the time they were very little. I took more amazing hikes with a kid on my back than I can remember, my favorite and probably the hardest being Bryce Canyons. I had no issue traveling alone with the three of them so we could tag along on work trips with my spouse. (Spouse wasn't so good at that once we had three kids, but with the first two, they tagged along with me). When we had little money for trips, we drove instead of flying, tent camped instead of hotels and took peanut butter, jelly and bread so we didn't have to stop for food. I made car trips pleasant by using cookie sheets to make racetracks for hot wheels. Of course we had a portable DVD - until the youngest, people weren't using cellphones to watch movies yet.

We never missed a community event and we were the last family to leave the pool every night in the summer because they had so much fun. I treated most weekends like a vacation and went someplace. If there was nothing going on in DC and I didn't feel like doing a museum or the zoo again, I'd take them camping or on a day trip to the beach. I also taught them things like how to sew and my spouse taught them how to do basic plumbing and electric work.

As they got older, we became the go to house and I would always take their friends on activities and trips with us and let them stay over whenever they wanted. We hosted lots of Friday night movie and pizza nights through late ES and MS and many sports team gatherings. Even if we weren't scheduled to host, when the scheduled host cancelled last minute, we always stepped in. We volunteered at their school's sporting events even if our kids weren't playing.

Another big thing is that everyone in my family is genuinely kind to each other. We taught the kids to be interested in each other. It makes everyone want to be together. The best part of all of this is that as young adults, my family is still really close and my kids all really count on each other if they need something. And, now that we are empty nesters, they choose to spend time together even when we aren't around.

Hope I gave you some ideas and that you make some wonderful memories. They do grow up fast.

I’m exhausted just reading this. I do think having some family traditions is nice (as long as you aren’t inventing traditions for the sake of having traditions but encouraging the things that work for you organically).

Overall count me in the “do less” camp 😉

Hard to believe that was not written by AI!

[Anonymous]

Do less, enjoy more.

I know people who put their four year olds in pitch camps, fill every minute of their day with a paid activity, etc and it's exhausting. Little kid years are wonderful because they just want to be with you.

Enjoy mornings with them when you have nothing to do -- take a walk, make an obstacle course in the living room, snuggle for a rainy day movie.

Don't stress the small stuff you can't control like having to send them to daycare or not giving them x,y, z.

Put down the phone and enjoy the moments when they all they truly need is you and your attention.

[Anonymous]

I’m still in the little kid years, but I’ve strived to focus on stressing out less about doing things right. I had a mental image of going to a big pumpkin patch, but we were tired so we went to a side of the road farm stand and had a blast. I sometimes feel like I should be teaching my DC things, but I try to relax and let them move blocks from one chair to another if that’s what they want to do. Maybe my kid won’t get into Harvard, but they are happy and I try to lean into that rather than stress.

[Anonymous]

OP here, these replies continue to be so helpful. Getting some wonderful ideas! Thank you so very much.

[Anonymous]

I am a furloughed fed with young adult kids. I have been going through boxes of stuff accumulated. I found some great things for my kids. The card my grandmother wrote the day DD was born. A letter to Santa written when DS was 6. Is my stuff organized ? (no). Did I keep all the right things? (probably not). Is it good enough? Yup!

I do think taking those no school days off of work (if possible) is a great idea. I was always so worried about needed leave that I hoarded it till the end of the year and definitely missed out on field trips and other special days we could have had.