How do you handle money for monthly child expenses?

[Anonymous]

DH is a frugal man. I'm no big-spender myself. We decided early on to keep our finances separate, but have recently run into a problem. I have bought all of DS's clothing from the time he was born. I'm also the one who makes the Whole Foods run (Dr. Praeger's yum!) and bought all of the individual ready-to-eat formula bottles from Target. You know, the small incidentals. I also found that in addition to this, this last month I was the one buying DS's medicine and paying the co-pay at the doctor's office, buying the new batch of sippy cups. I think you get the picture. It adds up. Last month it came to nearly $500 before childcare costs.

Getting him to pitch in is difficult. His response to the Dr. Praeger's food expense is to disparage frozen food and refute the cost. Great. But, I need a healthful, easily-prepared, go-to item. DH walked around for a few days going "Where are all of his pants?" when DS outgrew just about everything recently. I wanted DH to see that we needed to get new pants, not just supply them and have DH bemoan my spending. Still, he sticks to the idea that DS doesn't need a lot of clothes, since he is still growing (????).

DH says that he doesn't ask me for money when he spends on DS. True, but a few dollars at the fresh food market each weekend for family fare like eggs isn't the same as the hundreds of dollars I've put out for clothing. Is it?

Is there a lump sum each of you puts into an account each month? Do you split the costs of things, meaning each of you pays for certain specific items? Really, if the answer is "We pool all of our money" that's not particularly helpful, since we're only looking for a solution to the monthly stress of DS-related expenses.

TIA

[Anonymous]

I can't fathom keeping expenses separate, so I am at a loss. Is this a marriage or a business partnership? I guess the business-like approach would be to sit down in the beginning of the month, write down every single child-related expense, and divide in half? Or divide based on percentage of income?

[Anonymous]

We keep our finances separate but have a budget. We did this because DH isn't good at handling his non-allocated money, so this keeps him on track. He uses his salary to pay most of the fixe bills and half the mortgage -- this uses most of it up and leaves him walking around money. I pay for food, clothes, entertainment and half the mortgage, plus savings for college funds. I get some freelance income as well, which we save for emergencies and big ticket items. We both contribute to our own 401ks.

I think the key is to have a budget and allocate expenses (whether they are bills or regular purchases) proportionate to income. You would need a few months' data to do that accurately.

[Anonymous]

I agree, OP. I can't imagine a system like yours ever working out fairly, even before a child. Not to mention the additional stress and resentment it would cause. If you can't combine all your expenses can you at least combine those of your child and divide in half like PP suggested?

[Anonymous]

Do you make the same?
Who pays the mortgage? Down payment was split how?
Family finances are a bigger picture than the one you've painted.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have separate checking accounts and a shared checking account. My husband cuts the checks for our mortgage and daycare, and I transfer money to his account to cover half. On all other expenses, we follow a very rough 50-50 split - I do the grocery shopping, pretty much all clothes shopping for the family, the phone bill, he does the car insurance, water bill, etc. We don't keep track of who's spent what to be sure it's truly an even split, but we both feel like we have a hand in family expenses.

[Anonymous]

Good luck with the divorce.

[Anonymous]

If you're going to keep separate accounts, maybe you could open a small checking account and each of you put "$XX" amount of your own money every month into that account. Use that accound for DC expenses.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one of those who fails to understand why married couples don't have joint checking accounts. If you don't want to share your money, why get married? Why not stay roomies? It will be so much easier and cheaper when you split.

Save all of your receipts and split the sum at the end of the month. How do you work groceries? From the sound of it, you do most of the shopping. Or, your roomie could give you a set amount of money per month for you spend as you wish on the child. I guess you could determine what a monthly child support payment would be for your roomie based on his monthly income.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I get having separate spending money for your own personal expenses--clothes, treats, outings with your friends. But the benefit of having at least SOME of your money pooled is that you make family decisions about things that affect the family. Your child is now your joint responsibility--make joint decisions concerning his welfare.

[Anonymous]

At least one joint checking account, each of you put in something, either an equal amount or an amount based on who makes what, who covers what.

Mortgage, childcare, vacations, car insurance, utilities ... is her covering all that?

OP, how would you like to do things?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, it wouldn't work for me in any way so I cannot offer anything helpful.

[Anonymous]

Wow. So the argument that separate finances helps reduce financial stress on a marriage is clearly void here.

I don't mean to be snarky, but I'll be blunt. I don't see how this can work longterm. It's a marriage. Regardless of where the money is coming from you still need to agree how the money is spent. Especially for a child. In this situation it seems like separate accounts was just a way of avoiding a big financial disagreement that was inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Having separate finances will not work for your family or marriage.

Both of you are earning money for your family and not for yourselves individually. Until you can get into this mindset you are going to struggle and fight. It's not about mine and yours it's about OURS.

Also, you won't be able to get an accurate understanding of your home economics with this arrangement. Why do you need to keep it separate? It would be much easier for your budgeting to pool your funds together.

[Anonymous]

I beg to differ. Separate finances saved our marriage. I am one of the PPs and I like having my own account for my own salary. We share fully in all the bills and have a joint budget and savings account.