Having a hard time adjusting to highschool

[Anonymous]

Hi, my daughter just started high school and honestly its been quite an emotional rollercoaster.
The first month she absolutely hated it, refused to go to school (we made her go anyway to see if it would get better) and its just so not like her. For context her whole friend group got split up. She's at high school with around 10 people from her middle school and one friend from her middle school. She also loved going to middle school where she had friends, the whole grade knew each other, her teachers were great and she was in sports teams. Recently it's gotten a bit better. She's friends with a couple kids and likes her teachers but she's still so unhappy. I've heard from other parents who's kids went to her middle school that their kids were also having trouble adjusting and miss their middle school and old life. Are any other parents facing the same difficulty or have faced the same thing? Does it get better? Do they end up adjusting and liking high school? Thank you

[Anonymous]

Y You can help her do activities with the new parents of her grade. I know it's very sad for her and it could get worse. You could also talk to her teachers so they can help her Within the school and thus make new friends in your grade
Good luck and keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my daughter just started high school and honestly its been quite an emotional rollercoaster.
The first month she absolutely hated it, refused to go to school (we made her go anyway to see if it would get better) and its just so not like her. For context her whole friend group got split up. She's at high school with around 10 people from her middle school and one friend from her middle school. She also loved going to middle school where she had friends, the whole grade knew each other, her teachers were great and she was in sports teams. Recently it's gotten a bit better. She's friends with a couple kids and likes her teachers but she's still so unhappy. I've heard from other parents who's kids went to her middle school that their kids were also having trouble adjusting and miss their middle school and old life. Are any other parents facing the same difficulty or have faced the same thing? Does it get better? Do they end up adjusting and liking high school? Thank you

Attempted school refusal within the very early days of a new school is a bit of a red flag if totally out of character. Did something specific happen? Have you tried asking her why she's so unhappy? If a month in she has some friends and likes her teachers, it's odd to still be "so unhappy" as opposed to just nostalgic for middle school. Did she switch to a magnet where the work is harder/expectations are higher? Is there some other fundamental difference between her old school and her new one that might explain the about face?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the replies! I think this is all new for her since the transition from elementary to middle school was pretty easy—she went with all her friends. She’s now attending an application-based high school that's a bit more independent, but I assume most high schools are compared to middle school.
She no longer refuses to go to school, which is progress, but she doesn’t come home happy. Last year, she would hang out with friends after school, play sports, lead open houses, etc. Now, she either comes straight home or visits her old middle school with a friend. She’s set on transferring to her boundary school because she thinks it’ll feel more like her middle school, but I honestly don’t think the school itself is the issue. I think the transition is just really hard right now.
She had an amazing experience in middle school—great teachers, fun trips, and a big friend group—so I completely understand why she’s missing it. If anyone has advice or has gone through something similar with their teen, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she'll be better off at the application school vs her old school?

[Anonymous]

Well she can’t go back to her old school (middle school) since she’s in high school now. I do wonder if she would be better off in her in boundary school. I don’t want to send her there yet because I don’t know if it will get better there and if she goes there she can’t go back to the high school she’s at now.

[Anonymous]

My kid went through something similar. Basically the research shows that feeling like you’re “friends” with someone requires spending x hours with them. You just have to put in the hours. I literally showed my kid the research and it really helped for her to know this is a normal process. Also she was convinced to join a few clubs. She is now an upperclassman and, as I post this at 8 pm on a Monday, she is on her way home from an impromptu after-school hangout with the “new” friends she once believed she’d never make.

[Anonymous]

Thank you this really gave me hope! I hope she ends up loving her highschool just as much as her middle school.

[Anonymous]

So she is going to a school you applied to, not the one she normally would have gone to with her friends? That's not much fun certainly not at first. They will move on without her.
Plus is it harder, more focused or whatever? Does she see the pluses you see?

[Anonymous]

As for the friends part (on how you need to spend X amount of hours with them) that really makes sense and I will definitely mention it to her. Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she is going to a school you applied to, not the one she normally would have gone to with her friends? That's not much fun certainly not at first. They will move on without her.
Plus is it harder, more focused or whatever? Does she see the pluses you see?

She is going to the school that she applied to. As for the work right now she isn’t complaining but I know it is a more independent school.
Her whole friend group got split up. Some go to private, some go to other application schools and around 3 go to her in boundary school. Plus kids from her middle school.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sure there are reasons you didn’t want her to go to her boundary school. If it’s a “bad” school or just mediocre, I don’t think it’s a good idea to transfer there. There are also even fewer of her friends there!

DS had to go to a HS where very few of his MS friends were assigned. He was unhappy at first, but ended up not wanting to transfer for 10th. I told him to give it a chance and if it gets bad I’ll do some questionable stuff like use his relatives’ address to get him into that other school. I didn’t need to do it at the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sure there are reasons you didn’t want her to go to her boundary school. If it’s a “bad” school or just mediocre, I don’t think it’s a good idea to transfer there. There are also even fewer of her friends there!

DS had to go to a HS where very few of his MS friends were assigned. He was unhappy at first, but ended up not wanting to transfer for 10th. I told him to give it a chance and if it gets bad I’ll do some questionable stuff like use his relatives’ address to get him into that other school. I didn’t need to do it at the end.

The school itself isn’t that bad, its actually on a really good track but I’m just not sure if it will stay this way plus if she does transfer to her in boundary school, I don’t want her to end up regretting it especially if it didn’t get better in the new high school. It is her middle school’s feeder school though so I’m not sure if she wants to go because she thinks it’ll be like her middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sure there are reasons you didn’t want her to go to her boundary school. If it’s a “bad” school or just mediocre, I don’t think it’s a good idea to transfer there. There are also even fewer of her friends there!

DS had to go to a HS where very few of his MS friends were assigned. He was unhappy at first, but ended up not wanting to transfer for 10th. I told him to give it a chance and if it gets bad I’ll do some questionable stuff like use his relatives’ address to get him into that other school. I didn’t need to do it at the end.

The school itself isn’t that bad, its actually on a really good track but I’m just not sure if it will stay this way plus if she does transfer to her in boundary school, I don’t want her to end up regretting it especially if it didn’t get better in the new high school. It is her middle school’s feeder school though so I’m not sure if she wants to go because she thinks it’ll be like her middle school.

In short, if you think that her in boundary school is objectively worse than her current one - don’t let her transfer. You are the adult and you can see what really matters and she can’t, because she is too young,
For example if the home school is significantly higher farms then it’s a no, unless maybe she is an average student and wants to shine there for college admissions. These are all just examples as I don’t know the specifics but the point is that you and I can see beyond a year or two and she can’t.

[Anonymous]

I moved to a new school going into freshman year. It took until mid sophomore year to feel like I had friends. You have to give it time and encourage her to participate in EC or sports.