My dc feels like a burden

[Anonymous]

Feel terrible and worried. My DS has been saying he feels like a burden because of all the time needed to help him (he’s newly dx with some LDs). I feel terrible and that I’ve somehow sent the wrong message to him. I’m trying to reassure him how that’s not the case but think my actions speak otherwise.

He sees how little we need to help/get involved with an older sibling (2 graded ahead) who gets As in hard classes by simply doing their work—no tutors. Lots of input from us.

I am now so worried about the emotional component to his LDs and that I might be making things worse not better or that I’m doing / acting in a wrong way.

Please excuse typos/on my phone at 5am with pop up ads as I try and type

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry your DC is feeling this way. One thing you might do is explain that different people need different things at different times. Maybe his big sibling was a needy baby and had colic - you gave them all the time and care they needed. Maybe they now need you to do cook special food for their allergies or sport or whatever. It may feel invisible, the time you put into the older one. It is all love, all care, and you’d do it a thousand times over in a heartbeat.

Your younger DC won’t always have more needs. The tutoring will wind down, they’ll find things they are good at and lean into them. And you’ll be there celebrating (and investing them) when they do.

Saying “I’m a burden” may actually be a more acceptable way for your DC to phrase “I feel badly about myself and all the interventions I need.” That is a bit of a different conversation, but that may be the thing that is actually troubling them.

[Anonymous]

When DS was diagnosed with ADHD and we started educating ourselves more about it, the experts constantly mentioned that kids with LDs frequently suffer from low self-esteem. If you have time/resources, I highly recommend therapy. A good therapist can help with strategies to help your child make peace with their needs, help find their strengths, and be a better advocate for themselves.

[Anonymous]

I would try some of Ross Greene's books. Not the ones really focused on behavior, but the parts about working with boys who struggle with school. There's a passage about how really the goal is to do some good in this world, and that's what you should focus on.

Tell your son that you would choose him 1000 times over, that this is a common part of parenting, and that you know regardless of school stuff he will find a way to do some good in the world and that the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

This is tough. I am an adult with LDs who has older siblings that did not have LDs. It was clear that they found school so much easier than I did and it did not help to have the same teachers they did who made comments that were inappropriate comparing the three of us.

My parents were great but it was still hard. Here is what I would tell your child. "I get that this is harder for you but the time you are spending understanding how you study will help you a lot when you go to college and you get a job."

Praise the effort that they are making and make it clear that you are celebrating their hard work. You can do the same for the sibling, praise the effort. Make sure that you mention the completed classwork and homework and whenever you see both kids studying. They are earning the grades that they get and that should be celebrated. It is ok to earn a B if you worked your hardest.

Emphasize that different people learn differently and that is ok. Do some research on successful people with the same LDs and talk about how those people succeeded, especially if they had a different approach to a problem because of their learning issues and found a solution that others didn't see.

Empathize that it is hard but compliment their work ethic and what they are doing.

As a side note, my older siblings were jealous of the time that my parents gave me to help with schoolwork and the like. They complained that if my parents had spent more time working with them they would have done better in school. Now, they ignored the fact that they chose not to complete homework and did not respond to what my parents tried to do to get them to do their homework. They didn't get the need for treating kids differently until they had kids that had different learning issues and emotional issues and had to live that difference. THeir complaints quieted down a lot when they saw how different their own kids were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When DS was diagnosed with ADHD and we started educating ourselves more about it, the experts constantly mentioned that kids with LDs frequently suffer from low self-esteem. If you have time/resources, I highly recommend therapy. A good therapist can help with strategies to help your child make peace with their needs, help find their strengths, and be a better advocate for themselves.

Thanks--Are you suggesting for myself or DS? I've done therapy before and do agree it's the right time again (host of reasons). I've mentioned this to DS and he seems to automatically say "no" so I don't know if it's better to push the issue (I've heard similar findings/agree with you) In general, I think we have only had positive talks about seeking therapy but still think there is an association of "something wrong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When DS was diagnosed with ADHD and we started educating ourselves more about it, the experts constantly mentioned that kids with LDs frequently suffer from low self-esteem. If you have time/resources, I highly recommend therapy. A good therapist can help with strategies to help your child make peace with their needs, help find their strengths, and be a better advocate for themselves.

Thanks--Are you suggesting for myself or DS? I've done therapy before and do agree it's the right time again (host of reasons). I've mentioned this to DS and he seems to automatically say "no" so I don't know if it's better to push the issue (I've heard similar findings/agree with you) In general, I think we have only had positive talks about seeking therapy but still think there is an association of "something wrong"

Try calling it "coaching".

[Anonymous]

Please don't make the older child feel neglected or that the younger kid matters more than they do. There's a thread on that, or at least there was I don't see it now.