12 yo HFA doesn't want to text or be on group chats. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

On the one hand, I'm relieved because he did some inappropriate things online when he was in 4th/5th grade so we basically put the kibosh on his device use and online access. Starting in 6th grade he got a smartwatch for emergencies and has a super stripped down phone that stays in the living room and can only really play music, text and call. This worked well for him in 6th grade. Now in 7th, it seems kids are texting to deepen friendships in smaller groups (the way us oldies did with the home phone) but he says it's all too much for him to keep up with - the constant messaging, the memes, the "petty feuds" between classmates. He said kids at school have mentioned to him that he never responds to anything. While I'm glad he now has the instinct to stay away from it, will this further hurt him socially? For background, he is typical HFA. Smart but socially not really with it and makes no effort to maintain friendships. This does bother him sometimes as he tries to understand why he doesn't feel connected to a "group" at school. My instinct is to leave him alone and let him make those connections when he's good and ready. But with ASD, does he need more guidance on this and are we leaving him rudderless if we don't help him think through hermit behavior --> social consequence?

Has anyone here successfully helped their kid get better at using tech to maintain friendships? And how much does it matter if he is or isn't part of these chat groups with kids from school? Are the worlds pretty separate?

God, I feel so old... 50yo with a 12DS and 14DD. Have your kids young they warned me

[Anonymous]

This is my older teen. We helped her put specific metrics in place, like she needed to read her texts at least once a day, she should respond to questions directed to her, and she should liberally leverage emoticons as a way to contribute without overthinking the specific words.

We also put in place specific guidance on which chats needed more or less engagement. Her soccer team with 25 kids needed less engagement. Group discussions with just her and parents require at least acknowledgement.

[Anonymous]

If the kid is 12, you absolutely do not need to push this. Many many kids don't even have a phone/smartwatch at this age (ever heard of the "wait til 8th" campaign?) My 9th-grader, who previously found group chats boring and social media an incomprehensible time-suck, now frequently begs to go over her limits for both. Let her be and save her energy for in-person interactions. I promise you will laugh one day about how you wanted her to be more virtually interactive.

[Anonymous]

My kid got his phone in 8th grade and created a doofus situation that I had to clean up. Someone mistook a joke in a text chat for a "cry for help" and a school counselor ended up calling us with all sorts of hyped up warnings.

It seems they have to learn from these problems to do better. I had given my kid privacy until this situation happened and when it did I told him I was sorry but I was going to have to read all his convos with the kid who brought the school counselor into the situation.

My impression is that boys do fine without all the social media and texting until high school. We didn't let our older kid have social media profiles until he was a senior. I think a restrained approach worked well. What kids do like are Discord channels for video gaming. And they also have group chats for clubs. I agreed to those. Some parents don't allow Discord.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t sweat it. This won’t have much influence on his social life either way. Much better this way than texting but not doing it right.

[Anonymous]

No need for group chats. I agree with the person who said to check texts once a day. It's rude not to respond. It's also the way many make social plans. No need to push for more than that.

Just remember if he wants to make social plans, he needs to talk to friends at school about it and if they want to use text, use text. Parents are just for confirming and setting up transportation, not for reaching out to set up plans unless the young person is completely incapable.

[Anonymous]

Also, some will disagree, but I would still check his texts, etc. now and then. I was surprised by some of the things even NT kids wrote and I needed to make sure I intervened, so my kid didn't model that. I also sometimes needed to help him read between the lines when he got mixed messages. There was person who needed to be blocked too.

[Anonymous]

Very helpful responses (OP). I’ve come to the same conclusion over the last few days observing how he prefers to spend his evenings. I think maybe the socialization he gets at school all day (and masking?) is quite enough and he seems to enjoy the decompress/alone time (don’t we all?) I think comparing him to my daughter who was all in starting at age 10 and we were constantly fighting with her about the phone, set me up for this expectation. She is NT and a girl so I knew it would be a little different but I didn’t expect that he’d completely reject of it.

Appreciate the poster who said his high schooler also rejected it in MS and I’d be wishing for those days again one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, some will disagree, but I would still check his texts, etc. now and then. I was surprised by some of the things even NT kids wrote and I needed to make sure I intervened, so my kid didn't model that. I also sometimes needed to help him read between the lines when he got mixed messages. There was person who needed to be blocked too.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would much rather have a kid who refuses all group texts than one who is addicted/heavy user of texting. Former is much less dangerous than the latter.

[Anonymous]

Do your 12 year olds really all have phones? My son is 11 and I cannot imagine him being mature enough for that technology in a year.

[Anonymous]

Mine has a phone that is stripped down to just phone, texts, and music. No other apps, no internet access. It stays in the living room and he can’t take it to school. The only reason he has it was to stay in touch with his classmates via group chats so he wasn’t completely out of the mix. But he’s not interested.

[Anonymous]

It's fine. He is crammed in with other kids all day long, that's enough.

If you read the group chat you will see it's very, very dumb. It's like a remedial typing class for squirrels who love espresso and tiktok.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's really that important, especially if he doesn't find it enjoyable. IMO 5 minutes of in-person interaction is worth 5 hours of text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's fine. He is crammed in with other kids all day long, that's enough.

If you read the group chat you will see it's very, very dumb. It's like a remedial typing class for squirrels who love espresso and tiktok.