How do you process and let go of anger toward a family member?

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with anger toward a sibling and another family member who did something so evil -- a true betrayal to my deceased parent, and by extension our family. I really don't like my anger, but I feel so betrayed after years of being kind and helping both people. I'm entering this unchartered era of standing up for myself and now the result is the clarity these two never really liked me. It was all about what I could do for them. It feels good to not have to deal with them on one hand, but on the other I am just so angry. It's been a tough year. I'd like to make peace with it for my own sake. Thoughts? Help!

[Anonymous]

Keep processing it and eventually you will emotionally detach.
You will never forget nor find their terrible behavior acceptable but you will accept moving on. Because you have written them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep processing it and eventually you will emotionally detach.
You will never forget nor find their terrible behavior acceptable but you will accept moving on. Because you have written them off.

I agree. Time is the only healer. You are grieving the loss of what you thought they were.

[Anonymous]

How about writing out what bothers you and then tearing it up or burning it?

To do this, I suggest actual writing by hand with a pen or pencil. It really helps.

[Anonymous]

Moving forward with clarity is exactly what you need and is what you’ve achieved. Leave all the venom with them, not you. YOU did what you thought was right. You have a clear conscience. Leave them behind. Move forward with the knowledge that you did right by your deceased parent and will never have regret. Nothing they did can spoil that so hold that in your heart. Time will help as you replace anger with detachment.

[Anonymous]

Time

I've struggled with the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Radical acceptance, meaning you radically accept that they are an @$$ and you radically stop expecting normal behavior from them and act accordingly (ie set boundaries, ignore them, gray rock responses, don’t hang out with their flying monkeys, live your best life, make real friends elsewhere.)

[Anonymous]

This is all really helpful, thanks so much! I appreciate the perspective and kindness. I'm sorry pp that you've been in the same place, but it does help to understand you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Therapy and Time
Let it go

[Anonymous]

To forgive my mother I had to have compassion for her - she was emotionally stunted and meant well but went about a lot of things very wrong. Everything was connected to everything else - if she'd had more confidence she'd have had more friends, if she'd had more friends, she'd have talked parenting with them, if she'd talked parenting with them she'd have heard of other (less abusive) ways of doing things, if she'd been less abusive, her kids would have wanted to spend time with her more, etc.

She did the best she could with the tools she had, and couldn't get past her denial to get out of her own way. Her pride and fear were too big. It doesn't mean I put myself in uncomfortable situations with her, but I had compassion for her only knowing how to be a passive-aggressive martyr.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this. For me it cannot be about compassion or empathy. I was someone who for decades could be easily manipulated because of my sense of empathy.

I had to practice radical acceptance. I hate this. This is awful. How could they> How could I allow this for so long! So unfraid....but I cannot change it. There will be no apologies ever. This is who they have always been and I must accept it no matter how much I wish it were different.

The indignation comes back to me in waves no and then when I am stressed out in general, but I let the waves do their thing and pass. I take care of myself. I remind myself acceptance is the only path. Then I hold a magnifying glass to all the good in my life, and I am one of those people who finds a gratitude journal helpful.

[Anonymous]

Sorry unfair not unfraid

[Anonymous]

I have been in therapy for seven years since my father died. It was very beneficial. I do think that I would have gotten a similar benefit from journaling.

It's taken many years but I'm finally feeling at peace.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone that therapy and time help. I also find self-help books genuinely helpful, as well as journaling to just process the feelings.

But I do want to note one thing I've found to be true: I have to let my anger go multiple times. It's sort of circular instead of linear. I'll do some therapy and get to a place of release and moving forward and feel better. And then at some point, usually a year or more, I'll feel this surge of anger come back. And I have to go process it again and work through it again. I have not found that it's ever gone for good.

HOWEVER, you get better at processing and letting it go each time, and I've also found the anger is, not exactly less intense, but less impactful towards my life. I can think about it and feel an intense surge of anger, but I can move on from it more quickly and contextualize it, without it taking up so much of my headspace or bringing me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. For me it cannot be about compassion or empathy. I was someone who for decades could be easily manipulated because of my sense of empathy.

I had to practice radical acceptance. I hate this. This is awful. How could they> How could I allow this for so long! So unfraid....but I cannot change it. There will be no apologies ever. This is who they have always been and I must accept it no matter how much I wish it were different.

The indignation comes back to me in waves no and then when I am stressed out in general, but I let the waves do their thing and pass. I take care of myself. I remind myself acceptance is the only path. Then I hold a magnifying glass to all the good in my life, and I am one of those people who finds a gratitude journal helpful.

This is such a good description. And yes -- radical acceptance over trying to feel compassion or empathy for the wrongdoer. It's so much more productive. I felt empathy for them for years, which enabled them to continue to harm me and others. I had to drop my empathy in order to finally see them for who they are.