Has anyone started a successful relationship during a dark period?

[Anonymous]

Everyone always talks about being your best self and loving yourself and leading this fabulous life before meeting the one.

Has anyone started a successful relationship when one or both of you was struggling?

[Anonymous]

Good question!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good question!

Really! What a great thread, OP!

[Anonymous]

Yes. It made us both stronger to struggle together. Eventually, things got better for us both and we had a deep foundation of acceptance and perseverance to keep building on. We didn't work out in the end (logistics, mostly), but stayed good friends.

The secret: We both knew we were responsible for solving our own problems. We could support the other person, but we weren't responsible for their happiness, success, etc. That's an important part of any good partnership.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. I really want to hear someone say yes, only because DH blew up our entire family during his dark period and I want to believe that wasn’t the only option.

[Anonymous]

I met my husband when I had 'given up on love.' probably slept with him way too soon because I was convinced i was never going to meet the one. it was strange. I met him at the point I had decided to stop following any 'rules' about who calls who, how many days to wait between dates, etc. because I felt like nothing was going to work out anyway. Looking back at it now it feels a bit like a bad sit com. except that we are deliriously happy many years later. We also got engaged way too soon because we had stopped following any rules because we were both in this weird place. The only part that's hard now is explaining it to our kids (or not explaining it to our kids). My ultraconservative daughter thinks you need to date for two years before you can get engaged or something and she's like "you guys are just weird. I'm not taking advice from you."

[Anonymous]

Define successful. If you mean it was a hot distraction, yes. But I wish I had instead focused on my own demons during that dark period and avoided the relationship, as it was net bad for me. I made a bad relationship decision because my judgment was compromised by bad outside things.

[Anonymous]

*cracks knuckles*

My boyfriend/partner/whatever you want to call us and I met right after our marriages ended. My exH had a long term affair. I had found out 2 years prior, but my kids were too young to leave at that point so we lived as roommates while I did weekly therapy and we got our ducks in a row to split.

My boyfriend's exW had a 4 year long identity crisis and ultimately came out as a lesbian. They were nesting (keeping kids in the house while they rotated in and out) for two years at that time and worked hard in individual therapy.

After two long unwinding processes, our ex spouses moved out on the same day coincidentally. We met shortly after in a volunteer group we had both joined to put some good back into the world with our new kid free time. There were a lot of alignments in our experiences- the idea that we didn't truly know our partners and were trying hard seeking resources and therapies to make something work that we didn't have a full understanding of. We were able to support each other through getting used to missing our kids (ugh the most unnatural feeling in the world). Eventually feelings grew and we were a great communicative team laughing and being a safe space for things like a holding hands, a first kiss (and eventually more) after 15 year marriages. It has been a really dorky, authentic, safe, loving journey.

We were both previously with opposites, but we are the same. My favorite is that he is just as research oriented as I am and has a high IQ and EQ. There's no pressure to blend families, have a "do over" or any other non sense. We're both parents to our own kids half the time and a couple the other half of the time. Kids come first, always and we've created something special in the blank spaces. It works for us and I'm so thankful.

[Anonymous]

Yes! I was separated and gradually coming to terms with the fact that my marriage was not going to recover, my mom had recently died, and a bunch of other things were also happening when I met my now BF. I was convinced I would never even want to date again.
His mom had also recently died and he too had separated from his spouse and was mourning the marriage he'd thought he was going to have. We bonded talking about our mothers' illnesses and deaths. Depressing! But three years and two divorces later, we're very happy.

[Anonymous]

Define “dark” and “struggling”.

I know a couple that got serious after she was diagnosed with cancer. She beat it, they got married, had two kids, but their “dating” was managing around her chemo treatments.

[Anonymous]

I met my wife while I was struggling at work and had just been dumped. We didn't start dating right away but she was a good friend as I found a better job and got over my ex.

[Anonymous]

Misery love company.

[Anonymous]

I think finding love after major grief (loss of a loved one) is pretty common. Those experiences remind people what matters—friendship, love, connection—and also reinforces that our time on earth is limited.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I was very down, and she was struggling. Together we did much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think finding love after major grief (loss of a loved one) is pretty common. Those experiences remind people what matters—friendship, love, connection—and also reinforces that our time on earth is limited.

+1