Why the obsession over APs, spying and "catching" DH?

[Anonymous]

I keep seeing posts about keyboard loggers, voice activated recording, car tracking. If you don't trust your spouse why wouldn't you just divorce already? Why do you need "evidence" and how does that help you?

[Anonymous]

Leaving is hard, even in the case of severe abuse and serial infidelity. It's even harder when you're married to a gaslighter, and cheating and gaslighting go hand in hand. You find yourself questioning reality and need a lot of evidence and support to leave.

[Anonymous]

Because the Relationship forum of DCUM has a few mentally-ill people who keep harping on their spouse's betrayals, and keep egging other vulnerable people to suspect their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Because people would rather post their long-form drama for the sympathy of strangers than get off their asses and make the changes that would make their lives better.

[Anonymous]

For me, I needed hard proof to "allow" myself to start pulling my kids' lives in two. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

I also needed to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy and did have an accurate grasp on reality when the person who was my best friend and partner for 15 years was all of a sudden gaslighting me into oblivion. It's a real mindfcxk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, I needed hard proof to "allow" myself to start pulling my kids' lives in two. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

I also needed to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy and did have an accurate grasp on reality when the person who was my best friend and partner for 15 years was all of a sudden gaslighting me into oblivion. It's a real mindfcxk.

Same here. I was in disbelief that the person I was with since I was a teenager, who I had had kids with, and who had built a life with... was willing to lie to my face for months, if not years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, I needed hard proof to "allow" myself to start pulling my kids' lives in two. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

I also needed to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy and did have an accurate grasp on reality when the person who was my best friend and partner for 15 years was all of a sudden gaslighting me into oblivion. It's a real mindfcxk.

Same here. I was in disbelief that the person I was with since I was a teenager, who I had had kids with, and who had built a life with... was willing to lie to my face for months, if not years.

Once I had hard proof, I was in touch with a lawyer the next day, but it's tough to trust my own perceptions and judgement again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, I needed hard proof to "allow" myself to start pulling my kids' lives in two. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

I also needed to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy and did have an accurate grasp on reality when the person who was my best friend and partner for 15 years was all of a sudden gaslighting me into oblivion. It's a real mindfcxk.

Same here. I was in disbelief that the person I was with since I was a teenager, who I had had kids with, and who had built a life with... was willing to lie to my face for months, if not years.

Same. I needed to know that I was not delusional and that my reality was true and not something that I was dreaming up or imagining. It was for myself.

[Anonymous]

I always wonder about people like OP who apparently have such surface-level relationships that they could just throw it all away on a hunch and start over with any ol' rando.

Obviously there are a lot of variables -- ability to support oneself financially, moving and selling homes, losing in-laws and mutual friends, uprooting your kids' lives and sense of security, some people need help with health issues day-to-day, pets, etc. -- involved in the decision to divorce. You might be willing to live with "just" a hunch of cheating if it means you can avoid upending your life, whereas finding concrete proof might give you the motivation to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, I needed hard proof to "allow" myself to start pulling my kids' lives in two. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

I also needed to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy and did have an accurate grasp on reality when the person who was my best friend and partner for 15 years was all of a sudden gaslighting me into oblivion. It's a real mindfcxk.

Same here. I was in disbelief that the person I was with since I was a teenager, who I had had kids with, and who had built a life with... was willing to lie to my face for months, if not years.

Same. I needed to know that I was not delusional and that my reality was true and not something that I was dreaming up or imagining. It was for myself.

Same. It turns your life upside down and destroys a whole family. And I prayed and prayed that it wasn't true and couldn't admit it to myself until I had lots of proof

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t wish betrayal on my worst enemy. It really messes with your head. My exH never admitted his affair, and even 10 years later when I see old pics of all of us (we have 2 kids together, divorced when they were 7 and 8) the memories are still clouded by questions of whether or not we were “really” a happy family or had the affair started, and it was all a lie.

All that said, none of it actually matters. I don’t know that having all the details would be any easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving is hard, even in the case of severe abuse and serial infidelity. It's even harder when you're married to a gaslighter, and cheating and gaslighting go hand in hand. You find yourself questioning reality and need a lot of evidence and support to leave.

No you don't need evidence. Most women just don't to believe it's actually happening to them. It's their worst nightmare. They know it has happened to other women.

Frankly I wish women just didn't stay married to unfaithful men. If my wife cheats I am out..I am not going to waste my time and energy on therapy to understand why she cheated. There are countless men she can start her life over with. She didn't deserve a chance to explain/justify herself to the man she married. A divorce will set her free and life will be amazing for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving is hard, even in the case of severe abuse and serial infidelity. It's even harder when you're married to a gaslighter, and cheating and gaslighting go hand in hand. You find yourself questioning reality and need a lot of evidence and support to leave.

No you don't need evidence. Most women just don't to believe it's actually happening to them. It's their worst nightmare. They know it has happened to other women.

Frankly I wish women just didn't stay married to unfaithful men. If my wife cheats I am out..I am not going to waste my time and energy on therapy to understand why she cheated. There are countless men she can start her life over with. She didn't deserve a chance to explain/justify herself to the man she married. A divorce will set her free and life will be amazing for her.

Are there women out there who will say with certainty their husbands will never cheat on them? I think are just programmed to expect men to cheat at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving is hard, even in the case of severe abuse and serial infidelity. It's even harder when you're married to a gaslighter, and cheating and gaslighting go hand in hand. You find yourself questioning reality and need a lot of evidence and support to leave.

No you don't need evidence. Most women just don't to believe it's actually happening to them. It's their worst nightmare. They know it has happened to other women.

Frankly I wish women just didn't stay married to unfaithful men. If my wife cheats I am out..I am not going to waste my time and energy on therapy to understand why she cheated. There are countless men she can start her life over with. She didn't deserve a chance to explain/justify herself to the man she married. A divorce will set her free and life will be amazing for her.

Are there women out there who will say with certainty their husbands will never cheat on them? I think are just programmed to expect men to cheat at some point.

I wouldn't have said never, but I thought it was unlikely. I was wrong.

[Anonymous]

To all the betrayed spouses out there, please don't immediately jump to conclusions about other people's problems. Any time someone posts something odd about their husband, it's all "he's cheating", "start looking through his texts", etc. Can you please not do that, despite your lived experience?