Social Scene

[Anonymous]

Could you share your social experience during the elementary school years, please? My kid went to daycare before attending private school and consistently had lots of playdates. Now at school about half of the parents don’t even greet us. Will the situation get better in middle school? When will kids be able to arrange things on their own? Or it is not normal and we should move to another school?

[Anonymous]

In elementary school there were a lot of invite-the-whole-class birthday parties at various kinds of play places, and maybe a play date per month or so with one or more of the closest 3-4 friends.

As far as the parents, we got to know the parents of those 3-4 kid besties well and are still good friends with one of them even though are kids aren’t really friends anymore (drifted apart in the ensuing 7-8 years and two school changes). We could chat socially quite easily with several other parents at school events or bday parties, but really didn’t do more than smile and nod and say hello to about half the parents in the class.

You will know the parents less and less as your kid gets older because there are fewer school events that require parental attendance and fewer kid parties that need parents to stay and supervise, and therefore chat.

By 5th, DD would come home asking if she could go over to so-and-so’s house after school on Friday, or could so-and-so come over on Saturday, and I would just text the appropriate parent to work out the details.

Then the pandemic hit and everything went to hell, so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

My experience was similar to PP. Most Elementary school parties were invite-the-whole-class. We wound up knowing 2-3 families pretty well for more regular playdates. Those were about once a month and we could not have fit more in even if we wanted to with other family commitments and the whole class parties.

I think it would be weird if other parents are purposefully ignoring you when you try to say hi, but if they are just rushed in pick-up/drop-off and not stopping to socialize that would seem normal. I remember that in day care people seemed to stop and chat more than elementary.

My kid found a pretty tight social group around 7th grade and that’s when they started to plan more on their own.

[Anonymous]

In kindergarten and first grade, parties usually were invite the whole class or invite all of the boys/ girls. From second grade on, parties usually were with closer friends but my kids consistently went to them and had play dates fairly often. They also were on sports teams and involved in activities with their classmates outside of school and the school hosted social events so parents could get to know each other (fall festival, gala for parents, spring celebration, etc.). I’ve gotten to be friends with some of the parents I met through my kids’ elementary school and am friendly with most. What you’re describing sounds like an unusual environment and not a great sense of community, OP.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the parents are really busy and are rushing in and out and that can come off as unfriendly. This is the same for public and private. Maybe set up a whole class weekend playdate at a park and see who shows up, there are probably at least a few other families looking to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Our kids go to a k-12 where everyone takes the bus, but if we had to drop off I would hate to be judged by how friendly I was in the am. We’re going in a million different directions w/ multiple kids, work, etc. At our school, most of the LS birthday parties were the whole class or all of the girls or boys. In the early grades, parents tended to stay at them and got to know each other. Do you have upcoming parent events? When we were new, the back to school bbq, back to school night and then the class parents dinner in the fall were all great for this. That said, LS is a long day, and then the kids often have sports after school and on weekends, so we rarely did play dates. I would say yes if invited but would never initiate one. The kids are with each other all day, so they’ll all find their group of friends

[Anonymous]

I found that volunteering was a good way to make connections with other parents, and it didn't have to be a long-term commitment . . . one-offs like bakes sales, helping at the school fair, etc.

That being said, sometimes it's just the group of parents in a specific grade. In K-8, I found the parents in DD's grade to be weirdly aloof, but I made some lifelong friends with a couple of the moms in DS's grade.

[Anonymous]

What’s normal depends so much on the school. Some private schools are full of snobby parents who view others through the metric of dollar signs and social status. We have kids at two of the Big 3s, and I have never seen a group so obsessed with themselves for so little reason.

We are a two income professional family with an HHI of about $800,000 but it’s been made clear to us that we don’t have the social and political connections that hold cachet in this group. We have many good friends who are not part of the private school world and have little interest in joining the social scene and country clubs that impart status.

In early elementary some families did not greet us until their child decided they wanted to play with ours. Even then conversations were stilted, and in parent only gatherings we would barely be acknowledged. More than once I had a parent walk away abruptly, like literally in the middle of their own sentence, to fawn over someone they considered high status.

It’s the wealthiest families who are secure and could care less about status who are among the warmest. The poors also hang out.

Kids develop their own social status among their peers which is often personality dependent. Two of mine were high status kids. Outgoing, extroverted, creative, smart, and funny. They had no problems establishing themselves. My third child who is also creative, smart, and funny but shy and introverted had a harder time, even being bullied at one point. They are invited to far fewer get togethers. They don’t mind and have found a core group of good friends but some years it’s been tough.