Secret Depression

[Anonymous]

I’m that SAHM who everyone thinks does it all. I volunteer, I help with homework, I pay bills, I make dinner and I handle all of the house chores. I also have raised really good teenagers who I adore.
The problem is, I’m depressed. When everyone leaves the house to go to school and work, I pretend to do things, but actually crawl back in bed. Sometimes I stay in bed for hours, sleeping or scrolling on my phone. I am on Zoloft and I have a therapist, and can’t even describe what is wrong with me. I will lay in bed for hours and then get dressed and go to one of my child’s high school sporting events and act like I’ve had a normal day. I know that exercise makes me feel better but yet I fell off the wagon once again with that.

Is anyone else on this boat? Anyone have any great advice? There’s nothing physically wrong with me, I’ve been to regular appointments and gotten bloodwork and all of that.. I just love my bed!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need a job.

[Anonymous]

I am in a self paced grad school to get a degree but can’t seem to motivate myself to stay on track.

[Anonymous]

Try a part time job.

[Anonymous]

I have chronic depression. Sometimes worse than other times. Since my 20s.
What makes things different is doing things even without "motivation." Like the ad, just do it even when my whole self is screaming no.
I make myself go walk outside. The movement and looking at nature, even if it's just people's gardens, gives me something to notice that's not me. Sometimes even joy. I take phone pictures of flowers, trees etc. Now is a good time to start, even one tree to see how it changes with the season.
Forget about an "exercise routine." Just put on shoes and socks, get your phone and key and walk.

[Anonymous]

Have you told your therapist how you feel? The Zoloft doesn’t appear to be the right drug if you can’t get out of bed most days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told your therapist how you feel? The Zoloft doesn’t appear to be the right drug if you can’t get out of bed most days.

True - I just love that it doesn’t have side effects. I use it more for anxiety which it helps with a lot.

[Anonymous]

Well, I am another inherently lazy SAHM. I can work like a dog if I have a task in front of me...but otherwise I can waste my whole day on DCUM or youtube while lying in bed.

So, the best thing I can do is invite people over and socialize. Fill my calandar with lots of things to do (plays, parks, day-trips, exercise class, spa, shopping, lunch, ...but do it with a friend or group of friends. That way, I get up, take a shower, get dressed and do what I need to do.

Also, inviting people means that I have to get off my butt and clean the house, get groceries, cook, entertain people. If no one is coming (like COVID lockdown) I will just be a slug on the couch. Especially now that my kids have launched.

[Anonymous]

What sorts of things do you like to do? What do you enjoy? Often times, depression is structural. It is deeply depressing to look after a family all day and have nothing for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Maybe get a dog? That forces you out and walking every day, which boosts mood.

[Anonymous]

Engage your spouse, I’m sure he doesn’t want you lying in bed all day.

Talk about your day, and having someone hold you accountable for what you did all day may be motivation too. I would be so ashamed if I laid around all day while DH slaved away at his Big and demanding job. But I make it up in the bedroom, not by sleeping! Maybe that is your approach too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What sorts of things do you like to do? What do you enjoy? Often times, depression is structural. It is deeply depressing to look after a family all day and have nothing for yourself.

That is so true. I am grateful to SAH but my whole life is facilitating the lives of others. It’s a bit depressing. I don’t even know what I like anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Engage your spouse, I’m sure he doesn’t want you lying in bed all day.

Talk about your day, and having someone hold you accountable for what you did all day may be motivation too. I would be so ashamed if I laid around all day while DH slaved away at his Big and demanding job. But I make it up in the bedroom, not by sleeping! Maybe that is your approach too?

He thinks that because my “on” hours are from like 6-8 am and then 3-11 pm, he doesn’t care what I do during the day!

[Anonymous]

I am also a SAHM, and I have been re-learning how to prioritize myself. Being in a role where you are constantly monitoring other people's needs and reacting to the environment around you gets you out of the habit of being proactive. I also think that so many years of stress adds up and your nervous system is just exhausted. Not feeling appreciated for the invisible aspects of the job is hard, too.

When people say - wow you need a job - I get very frustrated. I have been "on call" for years, and the last thing I want is to feel obligated to a company.

Maybe try thinking about what your core values are, what things bring you joy, and what excites you. I had to learn to dream again for myself. That said, I have no regrets being a full time mom.