What to do when my child despises me :(
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Anonymous
| I suppose it's par for the course, having conflict with my 12 year old daughter. Single mom, only child. She's in 7th grade with mental health issues. Everything I do is for helping her, everything in my life for 12 years is for her, but it's like she hates me and everything I do for her. Idk what to do. I read the books and try to connect with her and when she says rude things, I calmly say that hurt my feelings and move on (per the book Untangled that I learned about here). I know it's part of managing my feelings too. Now she is going too far, talking to teachers at school saying I wouldn't accept her if she's gay (which I would) but wtf?! Any advice is appreciated. |
Anonymous
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Set up a meeting with the teachers to let them know you’re a caring concerned accepting mother. They are mandatory reporters and you want to make sure your dd doesn’t say something nutty to them and drag you into the system. And obviously let your dd know you love her no matter what. Put it in a text to her too.
Other than that, be kind and nice but don’t react to her behavior in the moment, and do not take it personally AT ALL. Teens are nuts, anyone who says differently is either lying, or so controlling that their dc hides everything from them, or the kid is low iq. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you should say "that hurts my feelings" and leave it at that. As a parent, you should be saying "You may not speak disrespectfully to me." Because the first is about you and the second is about her behavior. |
Anonymous
Elaborate? Many times kids are over-diagnosed by quacks who want to push pills, or parents who cannot parent and blame something besides themselves. May or may not be the case in this situtation, but would be the first place one should reflect on and ask some hard questions. As far as not being despised, kids don't hate a parent for no reason at all. There are ALWAYS some reasons for them to do that. So look at yourself and you behaviors and actions. |
Anonymous
| Don't ask this question to chatGPT. |
Anonymous
Did you? Post response. |
Anonymous
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Oof, that's tough. Is there another adult who is close to both of you who can spend some time with her?
I agree with the PP about shutting down rude behavior. |
Anonymous
| It's normal. Remember to keep loving her back even if she doesn't love you. She's a teen. Totally normal and she will grow out of it -- either with scars from your responding negatively or with a healthy relationship with you from continuing to be a parent to an ornery teen. |
Anonymous
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First of all, your daughter is not meant to be your friend. Your job is to make sure she is fed, clothed and housed until she is 18. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job. She is also happy to communicate to other adults - a great sign that you are a fantastic mother.
Parenting is flipping hard. It is especially hard when you don't have another adult in the house to say, "Please deal with your daughter, I cannot tonight." - which I have said more than once this week (about more than 1 daughter.) Make sure that you don't get yourself worth from your child. Have a hobby. Show her that you are happy. If you come out of these teen years with a person you like and who likes you, you will have won. |
Anonymous
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Did the teachers contact you or is she just saying these things to be extra hurtful? If it’s all from her, do not proactively contact them. Middle school kids are just awful to parents. Not all, but many.
Don’t take it personally. It’s hard, I thought it would never pass but it does. Try to talk less and listen more. Don’t respond to it when you know she is trying to get a rise out of you or being irrational. They are often so much better when puberty passes. Mine became so much more pleasant in 10th grade. Of course, if you think there are actual mental health issues then get help. |
Anonymous
+1 here, for us 11/12 was horrible. It may have been hormones as her period started around the same time things came to a head. It gets better if you don't respond with anger. Let her go through this tantrum and start doing way more for yourself and taking care of your mental health. Care for yourself and be a good model even when you think she is against you. Keep her offline as much as you can through activities, camps... |
Anonymous
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I gave a 13yo. 12-13 has been really hard. They push boundaries constantly and one minute they’re like a child and the next they’re a moody glaring teen.
I try not to take things personally. I do let some things go that I thought I wouldn’t. I don’t let her get away with blatant disrespect though. I’d try and find a time to talk about the gay thing. She’s got that opinion from somewhere. Whether it’s true or just her perception you need to sort that out. One day at a time OP |
Anonymous
| My DD was also very difficult at that age. I kept wondering where I went wrong. I found myself catastrophizing about her future. But by the end of 8th grade, things really turned around. She ended up being kind, affectionate and empathic. Hopefully this is a phase that will resolve with maturity. The middle school years were hard for my DD socially and I think I was her safe person to fall apart with. |
Anonymous
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I remember just not wanting my mom around at all in my early teen years. Even if I was in a good mood she just irritated me. No clue what it was but I grew out of it.
I try not to take anything personally, but I do correct disrespectful behavior (which usually turns in to debate…). At 14, I’m seeing it start to level out. I even overheard her repeating advice I had given her on how to handle a friend situation the other day. |
Anonymous
| Its a rough age but she needs mental health treatment. |