Growing a thicker skin at work

[Anonymous]

In the past (like 10 years ago) I had challenges controlling my emotions at work. I would take things personally and be over invested and then get upset/cry easily.

In the past 10 years- I have been doing okay. I think it is mainly because I work in less "around the clock demanding" type positions and am farther away from the end product/people impacted on the ground so dont get as attached. I am in a job where I typically dont have to worry or think about things outside of my time at work.

These past 2 weeks, someone on my team has created a work environment that has made me really stressed and emotional. They clearly dont like me, are rude/passive aggressive and today I read an email from him pointing out things he didnt like about my work style and i just took my computer and went home for the day because I new I was going to get upset.

I thought I had overcome this problem and am in a team and position I want to continue on with, but am afraid that I am going to ruin it now and not be able to remain professional when having to deal with this moving forward.

I tell myself "I dont care what people think" but clearly I do. People tend to like me and like to work with me and I enjoy having friendly/ non confrontational relationships with people I have to interact with every day.

Anyone have similar styles/personalities and found ways to overcome this?

[Anonymous]

CBT is good for this. His actions don’t control your thoughts, you do. Let people be wrong about you. You don’t have to feed into his drama. By getting emotional you’re probably proving his point. Carry on like he’s an annoying gnat, nothing more.

[Anonymous]

You cannot control other people, usually, but you can control yourself and how you react. Just choose to ignore the problem person and focus on the good relationships you appear to have with others. Because others seem to like working with you, the problem is the person you describe, not you. And, if that person is merely a peer, they have no control or influence over you; you may be seeing their inappropriate expressions of their own frustrations or fears around their own inadequacies. Do your own job well, and continue to be compensated accordingly by your employer. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Damn. The email he sent about things he didn’t like about your work style, was it to you or someone forwarded it?

That would bother anyone, it’s not just you.

You did the right thing by removing yourself and not getting upset at work. People will judge you harshly for being emotional at work, even for something like this that would upset anyone.

My only strategy for you in dealing with him is try to keep all your interactions by email and meeting minutes. Not informal in person / phone / messaging. Avoid him in person 1:1.

That way it’s easier for others to see that you’re being totally professional.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to have emotions. It’s not okay to let them dictate what you accomplish for the day. That said, stepping away from work when you are clearly over your threshold is a good idea, if only to create some space for you to sort out why this interaction is making you feel so bad. Was this person your supervisor? Was the feedback something you can address? Do you need to address it, or does the other person need to accommodate you and shut up? If it were a coworker I might another peer if he or she is observing the same issues. I might also check in with my boss to see how they are seeing things. If the consensus is that you’re doing stuff that is universally pissing people off, that would be good to know and you can turn it into something positive.