How to help a teen who refuses to acknowledge ADHD dx

[Anonymous]

DS diagnosed late at the end of 10th grade. Strong positive family history for ADHD. DS did not begin to exhibit symptoms until puberty. Diagnosed after a comprehensive neuropsych evaluation from a highly reputable psychologist. High composite IQ with serious sub score deviations indicative of ADHD.
DS is very stubborn and resentful of the dx. He initially refused to be screened. It took over a year of convincing to get him in. He eventually agreed on premise that he was going to prove me wrong. After dx confirmation, he became extremely bitter. He was struggling with time management his entire sophomore year, staying up until 2 AM to complete homework only to forget it at home the next morning and text me frantically from school to bring it in or send screenshots. To make matters worse, his public school denied him a 504 plan along with all the recommended accommodations. At the meeting the team concluded that his ADHD does not impact him sufficiently to warrant accommodations. We did not appeal the decision. DS told us that the meeting made him feel uncomfortable. And despite conceding that he desperately needs extended time on most timed assessments, he wanted to retain a positive relationship with the members of the staff who were a part of the decision making process. I actually think DS was secretly happy to be denied. It validated his belief that he is “normal”. DS cares about school and getting good grades, so in a classic ADHD fashion, at the last minute, on the 11th hour, he tends to get his work together.
Now that he a junior, he is likely approaching a crisis mode. He attempted to complete his assigned summer reading and math pocket the day before school started. A lengthy novel and a very lengthy math assignment - something we reminded him to complete on a weekly basis the entire summer.
He had not fulfilled any of his summer obligations. He is extremely frustrated with himself and his mood is horrendous. Because he spaces out and runs out of time, he’s developed a serious performance anxiety. I’m not sure how this is related, but in the last few months, he began stuttering when attempting to articulate deeper thoughts. I would love to medicate him or somehow get him to see a professional who could get through to him and explain how life changing getting on the meds would be for someone like him. He refuses to go. I’m not sure why he perceives so much stigma and harbors so much resentment about having ADHD. He is aware that DH and myself have it. Perhaps he resents us and does not want to be like us. We cannot get through to him. Every conversation begins and ends with him screaming at us to be left alone.
I’m scared for his future. I can imagine how it will play out with increased demands, without medication or coping strategies. DS had a summer job. It lasted one week. He was fired after showing up late three consecutive times. He did not own up to it, shifting blame on the bus schedule and making light of the situation by telling us how he was late by less than a minute.
I’m wondering if anyone had to navigate a similar situation. I feel that with medication and/ or time management skills, he could be very successful. Otherwise he is bound to fail out of college, headed for unemployment and homelessness. What can I say to get through to him to seek and accept help.

[Anonymous]

You can’t force someone to accept what you tell them about themselves. and ADHD is supposed to be evident in childhood, not suddenly show up in puberty. Procrastination is not ADHD and ADHD is not actually diagnosed in the WISC like you seem to be suggesting. You are going to have to let this all go.

[Anonymous]

Your idea of a "crisis" is a teenager procrastinating on summer homework? Oh dear...

Someone needs medication here, and it isn't the kid.

[Anonymous]

Once he learns about the street prices of amphetamines, his position on ADHD will change rapidly.

[Anonymous]

No symptoms until puberty then it’s not ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone

Seriously leave him a,one
You have made him anxious

He must graduate from hs that’s it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No symptoms until puberty then it’s not ADHD.

OP here. No significant symptoms until puberty. Not a hyperactive fidgety kid. But a space cadet since childhood. Forgetful since day 1. But kept up with school demands through middle school. Got perfect grades with minimal effort. I should have gotten him in earlier. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

I am in no way an expert, but instead of focusing on him accepting his diagnosis, could you focus on the behaviors? I understand that there may be coping strategies that are helpful for ADHD, but couldn’t he use those strategies even if he doesn’t agree he’s ADHD. Instead of saying “Here’s a tip that helps people with ADHD”, you could say “Here’s a tip for people who have problems with organization, time management, etc.”After all, there’s a lot of gray area between a type A perfectionist and someone with an ADHD diagnosis, and a lot of those people struggle with time management, organization, etc. Maybe you could get him an executive function coach, a book on time management, or find some useful Youtube videos (that are intended for a general audience, and not specifically those with ADHD). You could recommend strategies you’ve found helpful from your own experience with ADHD, or even research ADHD resources yourself for ideas that might help him, just drop the ADHD references when you’re talking to him.

In the end, the diagnosis only matters in so far as it helps him solve problems. Claiming the diagnosis without changing his behavior will accomplish nothing. However, if he is able to find ways to function better, the label doesn’t really matter.

I get the impression that because you and your husband are ADHD, you’re sensitive on the subject and see his rejection of the label as a rejection of you. I think you need to distance yourself and not take it personally. Teenage is a time when you want to be just like everyone else. Everyone wants to be cool and in charge. Accepting the label probably feels like giving up and putting a label on his forehead that he can’t handle things on his own. (Granted, many of his peers almost certainly have ADHD diagnoses, but teens are too self-centered to take that into account).

I think if you focus on the strategies for a while and drop the ADHD part he’ll either be able to find a method that works for him to get his life under control and he can lead a successful life denying he has ADHD, or he’ll get to the point where he’ll have to admit what he’s been doing isn’t working and be more open to giving something new (ADHD treatment) a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in no way an expert, but instead of focusing on him accepting his diagnosis, could you focus on the behaviors? I understand that there may be coping strategies that are helpful for ADHD, but couldn’t he use those strategies even if he doesn’t agree he’s ADHD. Instead of saying “Here’s a tip that helps people with ADHD”, you could say “Here’s a tip for people who have problems with organization, time management, etc.”After all, there’s a lot of gray area between a type A perfectionist and someone with an ADHD diagnosis, and a lot of those people struggle with time management, organization, etc. Maybe you could get him an executive function coach, a book on time management, or find some useful Youtube videos (that are intended for a general audience, and not specifically those with ADHD). You could recommend strategies you’ve found helpful from your own experience with ADHD, or even research ADHD resources yourself for ideas that might help him, just drop the ADHD references when you’re talking to him.

In the end, the diagnosis only matters in so far as it helps him solve problems. Claiming the diagnosis without changing his behavior will accomplish nothing. However, if he is able to find ways to function better, the label doesn’t really matter.

I get the impression that because you and your husband are ADHD, you’re sensitive on the subject and see his rejection of the label as a rejection of you. I think you need to distance yourself and not take it personally. Teenage is a time when you want to be just like everyone else. Everyone wants to be cool and in charge. Accepting the label probably feels like giving up and putting a label on his forehead that he can’t handle things on his own. (Granted, many of his peers almost certainly have ADHD diagnoses, but teens are too self-centered to take that into account).

I think if you focus on the strategies for a while and drop the ADHD part he’ll either be able to find a method that works for him to get his life under control and he can lead a successful life denying he has ADHD, or he’ll get to the point where he’ll have to admit what he’s been doing isn’t working and be more open to giving something new (ADHD treatment) a try.

Your reply is highly appreciated! Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe you need to draw more solid lines. If you forget your homework I’m not bringing it to you or scanning a copy. If you have a meltdown about homework anxiety you can do so alone in your room.

I agree with others, he has to choose for himself but right now you are taking away his natural consequences that might otherwise shift his behavior. If he is exploring medication and/or therapy then you will contribute your part as a safety net. What is not available is you as a safety net if he isn’t willing to meet you part way in at least considering options.

[Anonymous]

This is really mind-blogging to me. I would have killed for amphetamines in high school. They're like steroids for your brain. Last-minute cramming would have gone much better if I could have popped a few Adderalls.

[Anonymous]

That sounds rough, OP, in particular getting fired from a job. Even if he doesn’t say so that has got to feel terrible.

I would put all the scaffolding in place that he will accept and not mention ADHD again. If he says “you are doing this because you think I have ADHD!” you say “no, I am trusting you that the label isn’t useful for you. Maybe you se right - you know your brain best. I’m suggesting the (whatever time management tool) because I am not going to be able to be your alarm clock this year - I have an early meeting. So let’s see what we can do to help you be independent.” Or something similar with a homework system, or cues to turn stuff in. Maybe pick 2 things for him to work on.

My son has mild ADHD and learning disabilities. School is rough. But he did mature an awful lot between 16 and 18, and he just left for college and I’m pretty sure he’ll make it to class and probably won’t flunk out (he may flirt with it a bit…). Give it time. He has some growing yet to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in no way an expert, but instead of focusing on him accepting his diagnosis, could you focus on the behaviors? I understand that there may be coping strategies that are helpful for ADHD, but couldn’t he use those strategies even if he doesn’t agree he’s ADHD. Instead of saying “Here’s a tip that helps people with ADHD”, you could say “Here’s a tip for people who have problems with organization, time management, etc.”After all, there’s a lot of gray area between a type A perfectionist and someone with an ADHD diagnosis, and a lot of those people struggle with time management, organization, etc. Maybe you could get him an executive function coach, a book on time management, or find some useful Youtube videos (that are intended for a general audience, and not specifically those with ADHD). You could recommend strategies you’ve found helpful from your own experience with ADHD, or even research ADHD resources yourself for ideas that might help him, just drop the ADHD references when you’re talking to him.

In the end, the diagnosis only matters in so far as it helps him solve problems. Claiming the diagnosis without changing his behavior will accomplish nothing. However, if he is able to find ways to function better, the label doesn’t really matter.

I get the impression that because you and your husband are ADHD, you’re sensitive on the subject and see his rejection of the label as a rejection of you. I think you need to distance yourself and not take it personally. Teenage is a time when you want to be just like everyone else. Everyone wants to be cool and in charge. Accepting the label probably feels like giving up and putting a label on his forehead that he can’t handle things on his own. (Granted, many of his peers almost certainly have ADHD diagnoses, but teens are too self-centered to take that into account).

I think if you focus on the strategies for a while and drop the ADHD part he’ll either be able to find a method that works for him to get his life under control and he can lead a successful life denying he has ADHD, or he’ll get to the point where he’ll have to admit what he’s been doing isn’t working and be more open to giving something new (ADHD treatment) a try.

Your reply is highly appreciated! Thank you for sharing.

Yes, that PP is very wise and grounded.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like one place to start would be a good executive function coach.

I don't think you should keep insisting your kid go on meds if he doesn't want them right now. Start with behavioral coaching like executive function coach.

[Anonymous]

100% what the thoughtful poster said.

Good luck! I was just like you kid growing up, made it through highschool with great grades, but ended up getting my freshman year when things got difficult for me. Everything eventually worked out, I'm a physician now, but I did not take the classic road to get to where I am today. A lot of set backs! Get the executive functioning coach NOW (can call it a time management coach or organization coach) and set up the scaffolding to help him learn to stand up on his own. You will need an 80% success rate in any skill before you should try to pull back supports and then monitor closely to make sure it's working. Keep the EF coach in college too. I wish I had this!