College Freshman Blues (First Week/Month/Year)

[Anonymous]

Starting a new thread because this topic has been popping up elsewhere as kids finish orientation week and start classes.

Those texts expressing doubts and disappointments? Those teary phone calls? All normal - and rolling with it is key to this next stage of parenting:

From Grown and Flown:
https://grownandflown.com/help-college-freshman-homesick/

“I hate it here; I want to come home.” These are nine words uttered by a brand new college freshman that break a parent’s heart. We watched our kids work hard; we supported them in their college journey, dropped off an excited teen only days ago, and…now this. They are homesick.

Many of our teens have left everyone and everything they have ever known. Parents, siblings, pets, and almost every friend in their young lives are miles away. They now live in a small, often cramped dorm room, making a difficult transition even more stressful.

Every support system they knew and everything normal in their lives is gone. They quite literally don’t know what to expect. Feeling homesick seems an entirely rational response.

If your freshman is homesick, they are far from alone. According to the oldest and largest survey of college freshmen, 66% of first-year students report feeling lonely or homesick.

Maybe you, the parent, don’t remember being homesick. Those who study memory tell us that the end of an experience colors our memory of it. The collage of our senior year is clearer in our minds than what we remember of those first weeks of freshman year.

Maybe we toughed it out better because calling our parents was so expensive. But perhaps we were utterly miserable, homesick, and lonely and have just blotted out that unpleasant time.

Either way, like so much about parenting, our kids need our empathy and our ear, and they must figure it out themselves.

Dr. Lisa Damour, renowned psychologist and bestselling author, explains that in calling their parents, many freshmen are handing over their emotional trash and by doing so, moving forward.

In a widely read New York Times article, Damour explained that when our kids were little, they handed us their trash and used gum and food they had chewed but chose not to ingest. When they are older, they offer up their emotional trash. They tell us all of their worst feelings and, in the telling, unburden themselves; Damour states,

"I cannot say this often enough. Upsetting the parent is the actual solution", Damour explains. "One of the things I do in caring for girls is when they come to me upset, I tell them to come back the next day and we will talk tomorrow. I have yet to have a student at the same level of crisis the following day."

[Continued - with more insight and support for parents - on the website. https://grownandflown.com/help-college-freshman-homesick/ ]

[Anonymous]

Follow Harlan Cohen on IG. He has some great content about adjusting to college, and finding places on campus that accept you without a tryout. (Hint, service orgs, not the Greek system.?

[Anonymous]

I said it elsewhere and I will say it here. Use DCUM, friends, family, etc. to express your own concern. Be strong with your child. Show lots of empathy and hear them out, but don't cave or encourage their concerns. Be optimistic without being patronizing.

[Anonymous]

I blame Instagram and other social media for idealizing the college experience and painting unrealistic pictures of instant friends and parties. And when another parent is talking about how their kid is loving college and having a great time, that also makes things harder (although that’s a good thing and nothing wrong with that!). College is a hard adjustment, it takes time for kids to find their people and things. Everyone has their own journey.

[Anonymous]

Could it be that some parents push their kids to schools that are elitist, stuck up, and a f-ing grind instead of going with good in state schools where you are guaranteed to know at least a handful of kids and are only a few hours away from home. My kid is LOVING college and I'm afraid he'll never want to come back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that some parents push their kids to schools that are elitist, stuck up, and a f-ing grind instead of going with good in state schools where you are guaranteed to know at least a handful of kids and are only a few hours away from home. My kid is LOVING college and I'm afraid he'll never want to come back home.

Glad you child is happy, but this is a silly comment. Sure, some small number of kids choose prestige over fit and life to regret it, but the vast majority in those schools wouldn’t be happy at a state school and had no desire to be with kids they already know. No wrong answer, depends on kid, but this isn’t it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that some parents push their kids to schools that are elitist, stuck up, and a f-ing grind instead of going with good in state schools where you are guaranteed to know at least a handful of kids and are only a few hours away from home. My kid is LOVING college and I'm afraid he'll never want to come back home.

Isn't that one of the main reasons for one to attend college ?

Exposure to a larger world and developing independence (both financially & emotionally) is an important part of the growth & maturation process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that some parents push their kids to schools that are elitist, stuck up, and a f-ing grind instead of going with good in state schools where you are guaranteed to know at least a handful of kids and are only a few hours away from home. My kid is LOVING college and I'm afraid he'll never want to come back home.

Glad you child is happy, but this is a silly comment. Sure, some small number of kids choose prestige over fit and life to regret it, but the vast majority in those schools wouldn’t be happy at a state school and had no desire to be with kids they already know. No wrong answer, depends on kid, but this isn’t it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I blame Instagram and other social media for idealizing the college experience and painting unrealistic pictures of instant friends and parties. And when another parent is talking about how their kid is loving college and having a great time, that also makes things harder (although that’s a good thing and nothing wrong with that!). College is a hard adjustment, it takes time for kids to find their people and things. Everyone has their own journey.

Great point. This happens in all aspects of life. Almost all of what people post online is good news, so you think that everyone else is living a perfect life while yours stinks. But plenty of other people are having their challenges, they just don't make them public.

And when most people look back on past experiences, unless they were truly awful, they remember the positive more than the negative. So adults like us make it seem like our college experiences were 100% perfect when they probably were not. They just were often a lot better than what came after college, so we long for those relatively care-free times when we were surrounded by thousands of smart, fun, like-minded people and had our whole lives in front of us. Our kids only hear about the positives so wonder why in real life and real time, it isn't so perfect.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Just hung up with my teary freshman who had to turn around from walking to class because they’re about to burst into tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Just hung up with my teary freshman who had to turn around from walking to class because they’re about to burst into tears.

I hope they feel better by the end of the day. Talked with someone, worked out, maybe found an org to join?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Just hung up with my teary freshman who had to turn around from walking to class because they’re about to burst into tears.

I hope they feel better by the end of the day. Talked with someone, worked out, maybe found an org to join?

Yes they are working out and have new friends and doing org stuff. They are just out of their comfort zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Just hung up with my teary freshman who had to turn around from walking to class because they’re about to burst into tears.

I hope they feel better by the end of the day. Talked with someone, worked out, maybe found an org to join?

Yes they are working out and have new friends and doing org stuff. They are just out of their comfort zone.

Awww. It’s so hard to see our kids struggle with this, but as adults we know that being outside the comfort zone is a major precursor to growth.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy … hugs to you, the parent. 💗

[Anonymous]

Google the W curve

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/the-w-curve-theory

And then tell your kids how it is natural to feel this way due to the culture shock.

[Anonymous]

I was always content being alone and being away from home at camp and even when I moved into my dorm 20 minutes from my house, I missed home. I was essentially an only child for years and all of a sudden I had to share a room with someone. I had to share a bathroom. It was a bid adjustment and it took time.