Large events avoidance

[Anonymous]

DS (ADHD/ASD/anxiety) is a HS senior, doing great at school, but he absolutely hates loud, large events. He usually avoids school assemblies. He told us he doesn't want to go to his graduation ceremony and we are sad, it's a significant achievement and worthy of a celebration. What can we do? Do we just go along with his wishes or do we prep him in advance? How does it even work? We are in FCPS.

[Anonymous]

Why is it important for you to make him go? What will you get out of it? What do you think he’ll miss out on?

[Anonymous]

Can you get some accomodations like seating in a quiet space or coming in late/leaving early?

[Anonymous]

You can do a quiet celebration separately. It sounds like you are sad that he doesn't want typical things. But, he doesn't, and that is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you get some accomodations like seating in a quiet space or coming in late/leaving early?

There isn't really a quiet space and he doesn't want to be singled out. He is asking if the diploma can be given to him in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you get some accomodations like seating in a quiet space or coming in late/leaving early?

There isn't really a quiet space and he doesn't want to be singled out. He is asking if the diploma can be given to him in private.

Of course it can. That's what they do if someone's sick and can't walk, for example. He can just pick it up from the school later.

It seems like you want him to do this. Think through why you want it. Really be honest with yourself. You can still go to the graduation even if he doesn't, or even if he doesn't walk.

[Anonymous]

I want him to do this because he cannot completely avoid large events. Sure, birthdays and weddings can be avoided, but what about work-related events? Not every employer would be accommodating to someone who doesn't want to be in a crowded space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want him to do this because he cannot completely avoid large events. Sure, birthdays and weddings can be avoided, but what about work-related events? Not every employer would be accommodating to someone who doesn't want to be in a crowded space.

He's not going to work for every employer. Lots of jobs don't require this kind of thing. And sometimes people are willing to do something for their actual job even if they aren't willing to do it for some imaginary future employer that they may never have at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want him to do this because he cannot completely avoid large events. Sure, birthdays and weddings can be avoided, but what about work-related events? Not every employer would be accommodating to someone who doesn't want to be in a crowded space.

If this was important to you then you shouldn’t have allowed him to avoid every assembly and other large events. You can try
taking him to bigger events, don’t let him avoid assemblies, etc. At the end of the day though you may have waited too long to address this. 17 years is a long time doing something to change it now.

[Anonymous]

I do not have sn and never was into big events/ceremony. I skipped my college graduation, my law school graduation, my 4 bar admission ceremonies, and had a small 35 person wedding (I would have eloped that but was the compromise with DH/my mom). I have never had to attend a "large event" in my 20 years of working. I mean, we have trainings and that kind of thing, but they are quiet/calm and passive. Also, if I had a disability that made it difficult to attend, it is a very easy thing to accommodate- you can just Zoom in these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want him to do this because he cannot completely avoid large events. Sure, birthdays and weddings can be avoided, but what about work-related events? Not every employer would be accommodating to someone who doesn't want to be in a crowded space.

My employer has never required me to be in a crowd. I have been a CVS cashier, lifeguard, office intern, and lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want him to do this because he cannot completely avoid large events. Sure, birthdays and weddings can be avoided, but what about work-related events? Not every employer would be accommodating to someone who doesn't want to be in a crowded space.

He sounds like a candidate for exposure therapy. In exposure therapy, you start small and expand later so the person builds up a tolerance to the thing they have been avoiding. The FCPS graduation venue is large and loud. What is he asking to do during the ceremony? Is this the only large event during graduation season? Could he go to half of it? What is he telling you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want him to do this because he cannot completely avoid large events. Sure, birthdays and weddings can be avoided, but what about work-related events? Not every employer would be accommodating to someone who doesn't want to be in a crowded space.

I'm sorry but that's a bonkers reason to make him go to graduation. You don't use events like that as frustration tolerance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want him to do this because he cannot completely avoid large events. Sure, birthdays and weddings can be avoided, but what about work-related events? Not every employer would be accommodating to someone who doesn't want to be in a crowded space.

He sounds like a candidate for exposure therapy. In exposure therapy, you start small and expand later so the person builds up a tolerance to the thing they have been avoiding. The FCPS graduation venue is large and loud. What is he asking to do during the ceremony? Is this the only large event during graduation season? Could he go to half of it? What is he telling you?

Can you tell me more about the exposure therapy? Weird thing is he goes to concerts, baseball games, all loud events. But school-related stuff like seeing a school play or going to an assembly is a no. He is asking not to do the ceremony at all. He is OK buying the gown, he will get a bunch of cords, but he doesn't want to go to the actual ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Can he wear noise blocking headphones?