How to deal with ADHD co worker who gets testy/aggressive at times?
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Anonymous
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I work with a male colleague - I am one level up from him in our bureaucratic co but he doesn’t report to me- who seems ADD ish and often fires off multiple semi aggressive sounding messages that typically try to push work on me or others, but he is often wrong or under informed, and the work is his to cover.
Example, I asked him a question about an issue on a project that is his subject matter expertise (his coverage area, not mine) and he sent back multiple messages essentially asking why I’d ask him this question, but repeatedly misreading the question. We had to go back and forth 5 times (I suggested waiting to talk live, but he kept firing messages back, and I had no meeting time available anyway), and it ended up requiring me to spend time to dig into things that he is supposed to be handling. I have to spoon feed him info. And when I presented him with the info he should have known/found on his own, his initial answer was wrong. He insisted he had not done something, and I was able to go in and find a document drafted by him where he had done the exact thing I’d asked him about. This happens a lot. How to handle? I don’t want to talk to his manager, and admittedly I’m not good at direct conflict. Wwyd? |
Anonymous
| ^ btw I otherwise like this guy. I don’t know why he gets like this with me at times. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, I had a boss like that. He couldn’t work for anyone else and had to start his own company. His emotional regulation ability is pretty low, has rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and can’t read people well. He should have had access to medication but that never happened for him. I think his ADHD was very damaging to him.
Despite all that, he’s a good guy and is very capable. Ultimately though, his challenges were simply too much and I had to move on. Survival tips? You’re not going to like it - feed his ego. |
Anonymous
Not a terrible idea. I do try to be extra nice in response. ‘Oh maybe I’m mistaken but I thought you’d X Y Z…’ And I do like him one on one. He just seems to often get snippy, and he’s usually wrong and hasn’t taken the time to review things carefully before responding. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't feed his ego. He sounds like not a very good expert on his area of expertise.
I'd say "Is there someone else I can get this information from?" |
Anonymous
| Talk to Hr. |
Anonymous
Oh for Pete’s sake. HR is not everyone’s personal therapist. OP for one thing you stop ascribing mental conditions to people that you work with. You have no idea if he has ADD and so what if he does? You have your own issues to worry about. The second thing you do is grow up and recognize that there are always going to be people like this in every workplace. You keep doing what you’re doing. Document, be pleasant and professional and quit whining. |
Anonymous
Don’t do the “maybe I am mistaken…”. It’s so disingenuous and shows a lack of confidence. You can be nice without resorting to that. |
Anonymous
| Just sounds like you don't like him, what's ADHD got to do with it? |
Anonymous
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lol I think you are describing my boss.
If so - we’re all extremely short staffed and other divisions continuously interfere in our work. So trying to stay out of our lane if at all possible is your best course of action. Don’t ask him questions unless you have to. If you have to, set up a meeting. Do your part and resolve issues quickly. |
Anonymous
I had wondered about that too. My child and partner have ADHD. It also strikes me as strange when someone writes “my ADHD boss” or “she is ADHD.” Seems somehow unfair to reduce someone to that |
Anonymous
I get it though. I have a mom with severe ADHD (diagnosed) and a kid with ADHD. The emotional dysregulation part plays a massive role in how they interact with the world. My mom could only hold down certain jobs because of it, even though she’s a hard worker. But, if OP is just guessing a diagnosis, I agree with PPs. |
Anonymous
| Why are you asking him questions that you can dig up the answer to? This is a you problem. |
Anonymous
+1. I have adhd and I hate these threads that associate adhd with just being a jerk. I don’t know if he has adhd. I don’t know if that contributes to him being a jerk. But your issue is that he’s a jerk, not that he has a medical condition. |
Anonymous
Yes, please go to HR and tell them that your frustrations are from this persons' ADHD. This will set them up for a lawsuit. |