How to “take the keys away” when parent legally makes own decisions

[Anonymous]

Looking for BTDT advice. 83-year-old mother had stroke last year, was completely paralysed on her right side (she is right handed) initially and has regained some but not all functioning. We all assumed she’d never drive again, she sold her car to me. She has now decided she is “so much better “ and is looking at buying a car again, assumes with a shaky right hand, partially mobile right foot and fine left foot she can drive safely. She clearly cannot. Under no circumstances should she be on the road. She lives in New Hampshire and there is no official process for drivers license review per DMV website. Maybe she’ll just be car shopping online forever and this won’t go anywhere, but if she starts taking action my sister and I don’t know what to do. My sister has said she will go no contact with her if Mom pursues this course over our objections. Id like to just make sure she never gets on the road. Call police? Ask her PCP to intervene? Beg DMV to require a new drivers test? Has anybody navigated this?

[Anonymous]

No advice…but hopefully this is the last generation thinking driving is the greatest thing ever.

Hopefully since we use Uber and now have driverless cars coming that we don’t care
About driving ourselves vs having the freedom to call up a car and still travel independently.

[Anonymous]

1.) Discuss concerns with her and see if you can reason with her. Always give them a chance before going behind back.

2.) Let her doctors know. Even if she has not signed a release for you to share info back and forth, you can tell them, so they talk to her, but they cannot follow up with you

3.) Contact the DMV with facts-list all the reasons you do not feel it safe for her to drive. They work very slowly, which is why I would also...

4.) Contact Adult Protective Services to share concerns and see what they can do anonymously. Sometimes they will visit the person and also contact the DMV so the DMV requires a driving test.

It's worth doing this because you may not only save her life, but also the lives of others.

One of my doctors got into an accident with an 80-something year old woman who ran a red light. She was in the hospital for over a month and had to leave work for over a year for rehabilitation. She has never been the same since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1.) Discuss concerns with her and see if you can reason with her. Always give them a chance before going behind back.

2.) Let her doctors know. Even if she has not signed a release for you to share info back and forth, you can tell them, so they talk to her, but they cannot follow up with you

3.) Contact the DMV with facts-list all the reasons you do not feel it safe for her to drive. They work very slowly, which is why I would also...

4.) Contact Adult Protective Services to share concerns and see what they can do anonymously. Sometimes they will visit the person and also contact the DMV so the DMV requires a driving test.

It's worth doing this because you may not only save her life, but also the lives of others.

One of my doctors got into an accident with an 80-something year old woman who ran a red light. She was in the hospital for over a month and had to leave work for over a year for rehabilitation. She has never been the same since.

OP - great ideas thank you. I hadn’t considered the APS angle and then possibly being able to work with DMV.

[Anonymous]

per google: a doctor can report a medical condition to the DMV that may lead to license suspension or revocation. If a doctor believes a patient's medical condition impairs their ability to drive safely, they may be legally required to report it to the DMV.

[Anonymous]

after his stroke, my 80 yr old father agreed to be evaluated by his doc (I think in connection with his physical therapists) and has some motor skills and other testing done. To everyone's shock, the doc passed him to continue driving.

[Anonymous]

Docs told my mom after a stroke that she could not drive again without approval from a doc to the state. For her it was a minor stroke, and/but, she's took it to heart and has given up driving. Says she is getting good with Uber, and I play driver frequently as well.

In your case, I would talk with her doctor and have them examine her and see if they will give approval for her to drive again. If the answer is no, her doc will tell her and if the answer is yes, it's out of your hands

[Anonymous]

My mom is extremely frugal and scrimped and saved her whole life for a modest estate. What worked for her was me explaining that she was one accident away from being sued for everything she had. That scared her enough to stop driving. You need to see what motivates your mom and work from that angle.

[Anonymous]

In my province in Canada medical personnel are required to report anything that can impact driving to the Ministry of Transportation. That includes eyesight and medication never mind a stroke. The Ministry then takes over and basically pulls your licence until you can prove you are not a safety risk. At age 80 you have to go every 2 years and pass an eye test and a cognitive test.

None of this self reporting and drive forever and put the onus on the kids. Public safety comes first.

[Anonymous]

Why does she want to drive? How has she been living with no car? Does she have options like Lyft/Uber? I think if older people have real options to maintain their independence, driving isn’t as much of an issue. Find a way to give them what driving means to them.

I remind my dad he could kill someone, it’s not just his own safety or desires that matter.

[Anonymous]

Per a friend, if she gets a new car, get the key fob and take the battery out.

[Anonymous]

Just hide the keys. There is no reason to reason with her.

[Anonymous]

I would call the New Hampshire DMV instead of relying on their website.

[Anonymous]

Do you think she is willing to be reasoned with, but just not by her children, look into a driver school evaluation of her driving (in the Northern Virginia area the company idrivesmart does these). Having an impartial certified driving instructor evaluate her driving skills may help convince her to not drive.

[Anonymous]

Good advice to say you are one accident away from getting sued and losing everything.

I am in the same position as the OP. My elderly mother recently had a stroke and wants to drive again. I found some good advice and this helpful video: How to Get Back To Driving After Stroke https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe5asWMiUWo

Here's my plan

- Go with my mother to her next appointment with PCP. Tell the PCP that Mom wants to drive again and ask for advice. Is she medically cleared to drive? Any cognitive, vision, physical concerns that need to be evaluated and addressed first? Share my concerns about slow reaction time, stiffness, weakness, mental and physical fatigue.

- Ask PCP for prescription for evaluation by a "OT driving rehab specialist" (here is a list of them in Virginia https://www.dmv.virginia.gov/sites/default/files/documents/cdrslist.pdf)

- Press PCP to tell my mother that she cannot drive until she passes the OT evaluation or else the doctor will report her to the DMV. The OT might decide my mother should never drive again or my mother could possibly drive after some rehab.