Bf left for a few days and I am thrilled-bad sign?

[Anonymous]

Bf recently moved in and while we love each other very much and we work well together (this has been the most mature and calm relationship I’ve ever had), I am not very happy with how the move went overall.

He decided to move things over little by little, leaving my, now, our place in a state of « in between » that’s just lasted too long (it’s been two months). I am off for several weeks this summer and working on a masters thesis. My goal was to focus on that, my health, making dinner, etc…I have zero issues taking on more on the domestic front while I’m off work, but the move has had taken up a large chunk of my « free time ».

I am a bit upset that he didn’t take any time off to take care of the move, even a day or two to do it all at once, instead he’s moved things over at night and weekends. I have been organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff (mine and his) off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. It has really taken a lot of time.

I voiced to him that I feel my personal time has come as a collateral to his refusal to take time off for the move. Some background here is that he works for himself, is kind of a workaholic, struggles with taking vacation, etc.

He got a bit defensive and said that’s why I « should pay someone to complain to ». He mostly does get defensive when the topic of time off/vacation time comes up.

I don’t need any « break up » response because overall this is a great relationship. Outside of this move, it’s great, he actually was at my place for 6 months before moving in with no issues regarding sharing domestic responsibilities.

He just left to visit his parents for 4-5 days for his dad’s bday and I am thrilled to have the time off since I have felt a bit suffocated lately by the move. I also politely pointed out recently that i wish he would take time off for us.

I wonder if me being happy he left for a few days is a bad sign. 😞

Should I just get over it? Or try to discuss this further?

[Anonymous]

Sooo you man moved into your home on the low without a proper conversation?

Then leaves your home a mess and tells you to pay to discuss your issues over it all with someone...

Girllllllllllllllll This is a NO Also, why did he move in to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he wants a new bang-mommy and you’re it.

I would take this time to consider the long term. He’s a workaholic who won’t take time off to do HIS own tasks and expects you to. YOU are selling his stuff, YOU are meeting his buyers. When you asked for help he told you to pay someone to complain to, so he brushed you off and dismissed your concerns. He won’t even ATTEMPT to have a conversation with you about your life together.

You just aren’t very important to him it sounds like. He puts himself and his priorities first, and keeps you around to do all the sh!t he doesn’t want to. Personally I see a ton of red flags here and wouldn’t want this relationship for myself. You say everything is great, but these are major issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bf recently moved in and while we love each other very much and we work well together (this has been the most mature and calm relationship I’ve ever had), I am not very happy with how the move went overall.

He decided to move things over little by little, leaving my, now, our place in a state of « in between » that’s just lasted too long (it’s been two months). I am off for several weeks this summer and working on a masters thesis. My goal was to focus on that, my health, making dinner, etc…I have zero issues taking on more on the domestic front while I’m off work, but the move has had taken up a large chunk of my « free time ».

I am a bit upset that he didn’t take any time off to take care of the move, even a day or two to do it all at once, instead he’s moved things over at night and weekends. I have been organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff (mine and his) off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. It has really taken a lot of time.

I voiced to him that I feel my personal time has come as a collateral to his refusal to take time off for the move. Some background here is that he works for himself, is kind of a workaholic, struggles with taking vacation, etc.

He got a bit defensive and said that’s why I « should pay someone to complain to ». He mostly does get defensive when the topic of time off/vacation time comes up.

I don’t need any « break up » response because overall this is a great relationship. Outside of this move, it’s great, he actually was at my place for 6 months before moving in with no issues regarding sharing domestic responsibilities.

He just left to visit his parents for 4-5 days for his dad’s bday and I am thrilled to have the time off since I have felt a bit suffocated lately by the move. I also politely pointed out recently that i wish he would take time off for us.

I wonder if me being happy he left for a few days is a bad sign. 😞

Should I just get over it? Or try to discuss this further?

The move-in process is not the issue. You bringing up that you're no longer comfortable with him relying on your unpaid labor to make his life easier and being met with "pay a therapist to whine to, I don't want to hear about it" is the issue. If you cannot communicate about a real problem in your relationship without him dismissing and attacking you, this is not a "great relationship."

[Anonymous]

The entire situation sounds like a hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have kids with this guy unless you plan to do every kid related thing. He isn’t going to take of from work when the kids are sick, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bf recently moved in and while we love each other very much and we work well together (this has been the most mature and calm relationship I’ve ever had), I am not very happy with how the move went overall.

He decided to move things over little by little, leaving my, now, our place in a state of « in between » that’s just lasted too long (it’s been two months). I am off for several weeks this summer and working on a masters thesis. My goal was to focus on that, my health, making dinner, etc…I have zero issues taking on more on the domestic front while I’m off work, but the move has had taken up a large chunk of my « free time ».

I am a bit upset that he didn’t take any time off to take care of the move, even a day or two to do it all at once, instead he’s moved things over at night and weekends. I have been organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff (mine and his) off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. It has really taken a lot of time.

I voiced to him that I feel my personal time has come as a collateral to his refusal to take time off for the move. Some background here is that he works for himself, is kind of a workaholic, struggles with taking vacation, etc.

He got a bit defensive and said that’s why I « should pay someone to complain to ». He mostly does get defensive when the topic of time off/vacation time comes up.

I don’t need any « break up » response because overall this is a great relationship. Outside of this move, it’s great, he actually was at my place for 6 months before moving in with no issues regarding sharing domestic responsibilities.

He just left to visit his parents for 4-5 days for his dad’s bday and I am thrilled to have the time off since I have felt a bit suffocated lately by the move. I also politely pointed out recently that i wish he would take time off for us.

I wonder if me being happy he left for a few days is a bad sign. 😞

Should I just get over it? Or try to discuss this further?

The move-in process is not the issue. You bringing up that you're no longer comfortable with him relying on your unpaid labor to make his life easier and being met with "pay a therapist to whine to, I don't want to hear about it" is the issue. If you cannot communicate about a real problem in your relationship without him dismissing and attacking you, this is not a "great relationship."

This.

You care about his well being and want him to feel settled in.

He does not feel the same way about you.

He is flat out telling you he does not have your best interest in mind.

Think about if that’s what you want in a life partner and proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

You are setting a really bad precedent here. Why are you, and not him, organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. His stuff. His responsibility. Give him a deadline after he returns to finish the move, stick with it and you focus on your tasks and have him do his own domestic tasks. If you don’t turn this ship around, you’ll forever be the one doing all the domestic and administrative tasks at the expense of your leisure time, work, and academic pursuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bf recently moved in and while we love each other very much and we work well together (this has been the most mature and calm relationship I’ve ever had), I am not very happy with how the move went overall.

He decided to move things over little by little, leaving my, now, our place in a state of « in between » that’s just lasted too long (it’s been two months). I am off for several weeks this summer and working on a masters thesis. My goal was to focus on that, my health, making dinner, etc…I have zero issues taking on more on the domestic front while I’m off work, but the move has had taken up a large chunk of my « free time ».

I am a bit upset that he didn’t take any time off to take care of the move, even a day or two to do it all at once, instead he’s moved things over at night and weekends. I have been organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff (mine and his) off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. It has really taken a lot of time.

I voiced to him that I feel my personal time has come as a collateral to his refusal to take time off for the move. Some background here is that he works for himself, is kind of a workaholic, struggles with taking vacation, etc.

He got a bit defensive and said that’s why I « should pay someone to complain to ». He mostly does get defensive when the topic of time off/vacation time comes up.

I don’t need any « break up » response because overall this is a great relationship. Outside of this move, it’s great, he actually was at my place for 6 months before moving in with no issues regarding sharing domestic responsibilities.

He just left to visit his parents for 4-5 days for his dad’s bday and I am thrilled to have the time off since I have felt a bit suffocated lately by the move. I also politely pointed out recently that i wish he would take time off for us.

I wonder if me being happy he left for a few days is a bad sign. 😞

Should I just get over it? Or try to discuss this further?

So would you expect him to help you in the same way if the situation was reversed? If he has a job why can’t he move after work? No one want to use limited vacation time to do that.

[Anonymous]

« what is this crap? »

[Anonymous]

I get that you don't want to break up, but this is a red flag. He isn't willing to compromise. He isn't willing to hear that the way he handles something causes a big mess for you and he should change. He just wants you to acclimate to his ways. He isn't respecting your home or your feelings. Writing a thesis is very stressful and his move has created a TON more stress on YOU. Not on him.

If I were you I'd stop helping with his move at all. He is a grown man with a business - he can take time off to move, to organize, sell, etc. And I'd seriously think about long term is this what he'll be like any time you're upset. You say it's great, but this is a huge crack in the structure of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP - how much is he contributing towards living expenses, rent etc at your place ? If he’s the breadwinner then it’s reasonable to expect you to give a hand with some domestic things.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s hard to have someone move into your space when it was just yours. I moved in with my wife then GF for a year and never felt like it was my space. Once we bought a place together it was much better. He may be feeling this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - how much is he contributing towards living expenses, rent etc at your place ? If he’s the breadwinner then it’s reasonable to expect you to give a hand with some domestic things.

No it’s not. It’s HIS sh*t, why shouldn’t he be fully responsible for that? It’s her house and he’s taking advantage. Stop justifying sh*tty lazy behavior from men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bf recently moved in and while we love each other very much and we work well together (this has been the most mature and calm relationship I’ve ever had), I am not very happy with how the move went overall.

He decided to move things over little by little, leaving my, now, our place in a state of « in between » that’s just lasted too long (it’s been two months). I am off for several weeks this summer and working on a masters thesis. My goal was to focus on that, my health, making dinner, etc…I have zero issues taking on more on the domestic front while I’m off work, but the move has had taken up a large chunk of my « free time ».

I am a bit upset that he didn’t take any time off to take care of the move, even a day or two to do it all at once, instead he’s moved things over at night and weekends. I have been organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff (mine and his) off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. It has really taken a lot of time.

I voiced to him that I feel my personal time has come as a collateral to his refusal to take time off for the move. Some background here is that he works for himself, is kind of a workaholic, struggles with taking vacation, etc.

He got a bit defensive and said that’s why I « should pay someone to complain to ». He mostly does get defensive when the topic of time off/vacation time comes up.

I don’t need any « break up » response because overall this is a great relationship. Outside of this move, it’s great, he actually was at my place for 6 months before moving in with no issues regarding sharing domestic responsibilities.

He just left to visit his parents for 4-5 days for his dad’s bday and I am thrilled to have the time off since I have felt a bit suffocated lately by the move. I also politely pointed out recently that i wish he would take time off for us.

I wonder if me being happy he left for a few days is a bad sign. 😞

Should I just get over it? Or try to discuss this further?

The move-in process is not the issue. You bringing up that you're no longer comfortable with him relying on your unpaid labor to make his life easier and being met with "pay a therapist to whine to, I don't want to hear about it" is the issue. If you cannot communicate about a real problem in your relationship without him dismissing and attacking you, this is not a "great relationship."

+1 I have a hunch you are glossing over other things, even to yourself. This doesn’t sound great at all.