Helicopter parent and ADHD kid

[Anonymous]

Any advice or parent training for us? DH is total helicopter parent. He also has ADHD. As our ADHDer enters puberty their conflicts are increasing. Maybe this is a couples therapy thing? Guessing someone in this board has dealt with a SN kid and helicopter parent. How to help him let go? Especially now that the ADHDer is medicated and in a good place (and really never needed the level of involvement and protection in the first place)?

[Anonymous]

What exactly is he doing? Where’s the conflict? What changes do you think should be made?

[Anonymous]

My DH wants to be a helicopter parent, and it’s a manifestation of their anxiety (DH has ADHD and anxiety).

I just have to shut down DH when he starts doing it. He knows why I do it - we have a gently reminder phrase and then I get more direct.

It hasn’t hurt our marriage because DH accepts that most of his helicoptering is because of his anxiety. Sometimes we have a real difference (not anxiety) and I remind him that DC needs to learn by making mistakes.

At some point (especially with school stuff) DH has just stepped away from learning about it directly. He doesn’t look at grade or report cards or check homework because he couldn’t without helicoptering. I “supervise”(?) those for DC and just let him know if there is anything we should talk to DC about.

If your DH thinks the helicoptering is good/helpful, perhaps a marriage counselor or family therapist would be helpful.

For DH, his mother was a helicopter parent and while he hated it, he associated it with caring/love/support, so it’s hard to stop. But his mother still does it (as an adult!) and he really hates it now, so he doesn’t want to be that parent.

[Anonymous]

So the kid and the dad both have ADHD?

Look, speaking as someone who has ADHD and also has ADHD kids. It's genuinely difficult to have had ADHD long before anyone knew what it really even was (you were just "bad" or "lazy"), to have learned all these lessons the hard way, and THEN to watch as your kid is struggling with the same. It's really hard. Speaking personally, I just want to have learned the lessons for my kids -- and it's frustrating and anxiety-producing that it doesn't work this way.

All that said, your husband's experience and lessons-learned will be of great benefit when your kid is ready. That is, thee things COULD be of benefit, as long as the relationship remains intact. So y advice to your DH? Focus on the relationship, not the fixing. In every moment where DH starts to get triggered/agitated/frustrated, he should pause and ask himself, "if the only thing that really mattered here was the long-term relationship, what would my move be?" Just asking the question can shift things, and open up the kind of dynamic where a kid is able and willing to hear what a parent has to say.

[Anonymous]

What kind of helicoptering does he do?

If he's constantly hassling the kid, I agree it's anxiety and a lack of impulse control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH wants to be a helicopter parent, and it’s a manifestation of their anxiety (DH has ADHD and anxiety).

I just have to shut down DH when he starts doing it. He knows why I do it - we have a gently reminder phrase and then I get more direct.

It hasn’t hurt our marriage because DH accepts that most of his helicoptering is because of his anxiety. Sometimes we have a real difference (not anxiety) and I remind him that DC needs to learn by making mistakes.

At some point (especially with school stuff) DH has just stepped away from learning about it directly. He doesn’t look at grade or report cards or check homework because he couldn’t without helicoptering. I “supervise”(?) those for DC and just let him know if there is anything we should talk to DC about.

If your DH thinks the helicoptering is good/helpful, perhaps a marriage counselor or family therapist would be helpful.

For DH, his mother was a helicopter parent and while he hated it, he associated it with caring/love/support, so it’s hard to stop. But his mother still does it (as an adult!) and he really hates it now, so he doesn’t want to be that parent.

This is closest to our situation. A lot of it stems from anxiety and not being treated for ADHD until 35. His mom sidestepped and handled things when he was overwhelmed. Now he doesn't want to see our ADHD son struggle. But I think he gets way too involved and works too hard to remove possible challenges. The parent kid conflict comes from husband smothering kid.

[Anonymous]

I hate posts like this, you ask for help but can’t actually say what he is doing wrong.If you just want people to commiserate with you then you should say that.